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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contemplate a 7 year gap?

43 replies

AshCrapp · 02/12/2024 00:12

I feel like I'm at the last possible year to decide on having a second baby, but am put off by the 7+ age gap there would be between my (currently only) DC and any new baby.

I had always thought I'd have DC in my early 30s, but accidentally became pregnant with DC1 at 26. Now I actually am in my early 30s and I'd like another baby. Circumstances aren't ideal. I'm on a temporary contract and wouldn't get much maternity leave, and it would damage my chance of turning it into a permanent contract. But if I wait any longer (for example, for my contract to end and potentially be renewed) then the age gap would be more like 9 years - and I might just be starting a whole new job anyway. I rent a house I adore, but it's only two bedrooms, and houses in this area for 3 bedrooms are rare and unaffordable. So I would have to move.

But despite this, I can't shake the feeling that I'd like to try for a baby. Is it crazy to go back to nappies and sleepless nights after 7 years? I'm worried that I don't have the energy anymore, and I'm enjoying the return to myself and my own time now that DC is at school. I'm worried that I've left it too late, and DC wouldn't get the benefits of a sibling. I'm worried that DC is old enough to remember life pre-baby very well, and that he will resent having to move house, having to accommodate a much younger sibling, the dent on finances that would mean no holidays, the attention elsewhere. But I also worry about him becoming an adult alone, without any extended family and no-one to share life's difficulties with, especially surrounding my and DP's old age and death.

So please tell me, If you have a 7+ year age gap between DC, what's your life like? Do you regret leaving so long between children, or has it worked out? What was going back to the baby years like? How did your elder DC adapt? I really don't know what to do!

Poll for the sake of it...

Yabu - don't do it, too much of a gap
Yanbu - have the baby, the gap's fine

OP posts:
HolyPeaches · 02/12/2024 00:20

If you’re only worried about a 7 year age gap - then you’re massively overthinking this. A 7 year age gap is absolutely fine.

You need to be more concerned about finances, and if you and your partner equally want a second child and can afford it.

tackychristmas · 02/12/2024 00:20

I have a 7 year gap with my sister. I think it’s a really lovely age gap and I’m really glad that it’s a little bit bigger than the average age gap (I also have a 10 year age gap with our youngest sister).
I was desperate for a sibling so I was so excited when she was born and quite hands on. We didn’t really play together as we liked different things but I would play with her if that makes sense.
When she was a teenager and I moved out I was able to do fun stuff like sleepovers or meals out.
As we’ve got older the age gap has got less noticeable and we’re extremely close now. She’s one of my best friends, and although I would’ve had more holidays and attention if she wasn’t born I wouldn’t change her for the world (or our other sister!).

Garlicwest · 02/12/2024 00:26

In your early thirties, it's unlikely you're at last chance saloon.

Sort your career out, go for a 10 year gap.

BeardieWeirdie · 02/12/2024 00:28

Go for it! I have a nearly 6 year gap and my eldest has always been so good with the youngest, will read to her, get her breakfast, helps with spellings. They really love each other and there’s no jealousy. I see friends who have toddlers and a new baby and it looks so scary - the toddler can’t be trusted not to bash/drop the baby if left unsupervised while you go to the loo, and the toddler feels like they’re usurped. I wanted a smaller gap but both babies were years in the making but I’m so glad that things worked out the way they did in the end.

LisaD1 · 02/12/2024 00:30

I’ve got 8 years between my DC, they’re incredibly close and I have zero regrets.

PartyOFive · 02/12/2024 00:35

There is a larger gap between me and siblings -next one up is 8 years above me and I have more who are older still. it's fine from our perspective, we all get on well and as a pp says the difference does get less important as you get older.

I also have a a gap of around 7 years between my eldest children and youngest child. It does make things feel tiring as dealing with different stages all the time. But I love the way they interact and I found the longer gap much easier than the shorter gap between first two, you really cherish the baby stage when you know how quickly it goes.

You're not old, though, I wouldn't rush into anything

PenelopeSkye · 02/12/2024 00:40

No experience as a parent, but my siblings are 6 and 8 years older than me. I adored them growing up, and we are close as adults.

Original poster
AshCrapp · 02/12/2024 10:26

Thank you everyone!! This is making me think that I should just go for it. You're right about the age not meaning much as they grow up... I imagine that at 16 and 9 they wouldn't be very close, but as adults they might well be.

This is melodramatic but I'm haunted by the idea of me and DP dying or having dementia, and DC having no one who remembers the good times of his childhood with him, or of him being alone at Christmas and so on, no safety net or emotional support if things go wrong in his life.

OP posts:
lifeisforlaying · 02/12/2024 10:30

I have a 19 year old, a 13 yr old and a 5 year old (different father for this one) so I can say I left years between each of mine! It's worked out fine, well my eldest cried when I fell pregnant with my youngest but as soon as she was born he was changed his mind and is the apple of his eye. Everyone's different though, you can have siblings born closely together that don't get on. Also you mentioned the sacrifices you as a family would have to make, but kids don't always need the holidays and extra treats, they want love, support and family around them so I wouldn't worry too much.

Original poster
AshCrapp · 02/12/2024 10:32

HolyPeaches · 02/12/2024 00:20

If you’re only worried about a 7 year age gap - then you’re massively overthinking this. A 7 year age gap is absolutely fine.

You need to be more concerned about finances, and if you and your partner equally want a second child and can afford it.

Thanks, this is helpful! I think DP has always wanted more. Not enough that he would push it with me, but he'd be up for it if I suggested it.

Financially, it's difficult to say. We can afford it in the sense that we have enough money to care for two children. My job is unstable (temporary contract based) but I have good references and don't struggle for work. The difficulty would be in not staying in one place long enough to carve out the goodwill and understanding that then enables flexi work or part time hours for a few years. A new contract would demand 100% right from the start.

Financially, we'd be fine day to day but would have to give up some of our nice yearly things, like holidays abroad, the pricier days out, and the maternity would wipe out my savings, which I'd earmarked for a mortgage. Right now I think I'd rather a baby than a house, but it's a difficult call, and one that impacts the whole family.

OP posts:
JollyGreenSnake · 02/12/2024 10:36

There's seven years between my eldest sister and me, and five years between my middle sister and me.
Growing up, I felt more like an only child than the relationship I saw between my two sisters, as we've always been at very different life stages.

anonny55 · 02/12/2024 10:50

I have a sibling with a 8 year gap. It does feel big, we're in completely different places in life and not as close since I moved out from home. However when I lived at home we were very close..I see him as my baby as he's the youngest sibling! I adore him so much and he brings so much joy to my life!

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 10:52

I have a 9 year gap between mine. It was great. It was like being a first time mum again but with all the knowledge I wish I had the first time round. Plus there has never been sibling rivalry because the gap is too big to compete at an age when it would have been unpleasant. Now as adults they are obviously competitive but there has never been any underlying jealousies. And they are great friends too.

brbg2g · 02/12/2024 10:52

My oldest and youngest are 7 and a half years apart and are the absolute sweetest together. It's a beautiful age gap. Older child is able to help, no competition between them etc. go for it OP.

ChristmasWitchy · 02/12/2024 11:03

I have been in this position and decided to stay with 1. I'm older at 38 and I just don't have the energy now for a newborn. When he went to school it was a big turning point. Dh is an only child and has no issues with this so hopefully ds will be the same!

Tohaveandtohold · 02/12/2024 11:11

We have 6 years between DC1 and 2. Then we had another 4 years after so it’s 10 years between DC1 and 3 😊. They love each other. It was hard starting nappies again with DC3 but we were in a very good time in our lives, finances, house with enough room, good jobs, etc that nappy and sleepless nights didn’t bother us. We knew it was only for a short time.
If you want another child, 7 years or even 10 is not a massive age gap as you’re still early 30s. I think you need to think of finances, your job, etc first as that’ll make it more relaxing and have less of a negative impact on your 7 year old

Colinswheels · 02/12/2024 11:13

I have a 6.5 year age gap between my 2 DDs (not by choice). There are positives and negatives although now they are 12 and 6 and in completely different life stages. I'm still glad I have 2 though.

Didimum · 02/12/2024 11:14

AshCrapp · 02/12/2024 10:26

Thank you everyone!! This is making me think that I should just go for it. You're right about the age not meaning much as they grow up... I imagine that at 16 and 9 they wouldn't be very close, but as adults they might well be.

This is melodramatic but I'm haunted by the idea of me and DP dying or having dementia, and DC having no one who remembers the good times of his childhood with him, or of him being alone at Christmas and so on, no safety net or emotional support if things go wrong in his life.

You should have another child because you want one and your circumstances and environment can provide it with a good life, not as a means of support to your other DC.

fiftiesmum · 02/12/2024 11:28

Once the baby/toddler stage is over the gap will rapidly shrink. And as adults will disappear completely - how soon will your job become permanent so you have maternity leave?

RaraRachael · 02/12/2024 11:34

There's an 8 year gap between me and my sister - it just doesn't work for us and we've never been close. We grew up like 2 only chidlren as we were never at the same school together and when I got to high school, she'd left home etc.

Maybe we wouldn't have been close even with a smaller gap.

user2848502016 · 02/12/2024 12:02

Go for it, a 7 year gap isn't that much especially when they're older.
My friend has a 9 year age gap with her sister and they're really close now as adults.
It's got to have advantages too, your eldest will be at school all day and not need constant supervision at home.

GottaLoveTheGuineas · 02/12/2024 14:07

You say in your last post that right now you'd rather another baby than a house... I think there's nothing wise about that statement.

If your son's quality of life is going to decrease (no savings, less days out, no holidays abroad, less family income as a whole) I would seriously reconsider having another child.

Your employment is also not stable, another reason to seriously reconsider bringing another child into the world.

You also mention your son not being alone if he needs to care for you, or when you have both passed on. Having another child doesn't guarantee a supportive sibling relationship for your DS.

I have a sibling who is 6 years younger than me. We have never gotten along, she has been nothing but horrid and abusive to my parents and I am NC because of her treatment of them, life would be so much easier without her in it and when my parents die, I can only imagine how difficult she will be to deal with over wills, arrangements etc.

Tdcp · 02/12/2024 14:11

In 3 months I'll have a 10.5 year age gap. I was 10 years older than my brother as well. 7 years is a good gap OP :)

YouLookinSusBro · 02/12/2024 14:13

I had 6.5 between my oldest 2, was perfect! Had 14 between DC2 and 3, also works, albeit in a different way.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 02/12/2024 14:25

JollyGreenSnake · 02/12/2024 10:36

There's seven years between my eldest sister and me, and five years between my middle sister and me.
Growing up, I felt more like an only child than the relationship I saw between my two sisters, as we've always been at very different life stages.

I had a similar experience to this, youngest of 3 with my sisters being 6 and 4 years older than me. I felt lonely and left out a lot (and is a big reason we're stopping at 2 children and went for a closer age gap), however this may not be as much of an issue with only 2 children and a bigger age gap.

Edit to add we get on pretty well as adults now, visit each other a couple times a year during which we go out together and play online together weekly.