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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that the girl my dh kissed should not stand gawping at me in the playground?

81 replies

cheesesarnie · 29/04/2008 16:02

i just need a little rant-none of friends are about and im wound up!!
i posted (as moljam)last year saying about my dh kissing a 16 year old girl.she started being where ever i was and generally doing my head in.dh and i had lots to work though but work through it we did!anyway-today she was in the playground at pick up time again.today i must be looking fab as she couldnt stop starring(maybe i had something on my face).is it unreasonable to want to pick up my dc without a stupid little girl who likes other peoples husbands/partners who are much older than her to stare?

sorry rant over

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 17:20

The girl was 16 so she is a slag? So, what if she was 15 still a slag or the DH a peadophile? It sounds like she has issues, i dont know how old the DH is, he should have known better - i dont care how drunk my DP was, there is no excuse for that sort of behaviour, and for this young girl to be throwing herself at older men (if indeed it was her that did the throwing) it sounds like she has some serious issues.

Just ignore her, chances are she still has a crush on your DH and thinks you are the devil incarnate. You have your man, she doesn't - be the bigger person. If it irritates you that much have a word, but best leave well alone - i can understand why it would upset you though.

mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 29/04/2008 18:10

well ITA with what everyone else has said about Ignore. There is nothing more infuriating for someone trying to wind you up than if they are ignored - takes the wind out of their sails

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 01/05/2008 14:15

lucyellensmum-id say she certainly does have issues.no self respect for one thing.

OP posts:

Oliveoil · 01/05/2008 14:18

Good Lord, shouldn't you all be in school?

you sound about 14

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 01/05/2008 14:22

me?

OP posts:

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 14:29

cheesesarnie, both you and dh are the adults here but it seems to me that neither of you are not acting like one. I assume you are both older than 16?

At 16, this girl is just a child. If anything, she deserves to be pitied. Not called a stalker because your dh acted pathetically by kissing her (what was He doing??? It makes no difference to this girl whether or not he was drunk). And then you turn around and say SHE is doing your head in because she is now possibly infatuated with your dh.

Oh my. Can you be dignified about this and just let it go and hope this poor girl moves on with minimal damage.

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 14:30

neither of you are not acting like one

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 01/05/2008 14:36

i dont understand why im not acting like an adultyes i am most defiantly over 16.
she kissed him too!!both of them my dh and the girl.she is doing my head in by being everywhere i go-why should i have to see her wherever i go-why should i feel uncomfortable when picking my children up?obviously they dont know what happened but they do know that mummy and daddy had problems recently.
i am being dignified about this!i am not going round shouting and screaming at her etc.i posted on here because i was stressed and finding it hard.

how comes i am suddenly the bad person?my dh and the girl did wrong-not me!please explain why i am the immature,undignified person your thinking i am?i really am confused.

OP posts:

batters · 01/05/2008 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 01/05/2008 14:42

theres only her mum.her mums reasponce was to threaton me.not sure why it was my fault but i didnt respond.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 01/05/2008 14:44

concentrate your energies and effort on what really matters eg your relationship with DH.hopefully his stupid dalliance is history and he has figured out what is important too.

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 14:48

cheesesarnie, I am sorry you have having problems with your dh. I understand a bit more about your perspective now.

I do think the age of this girl is vital. 16 year olds can be silly and immature - it goes with the territory. And if she has lack of self-respect, that is so sad IMO.

There is no forgiving what your dh or the other fathers did. Her actions are the result of his exploitative actions. You should take it up with him and him alone.

And you should continue to leave the 16 year old alone (as you have described). Rant if you wish. If you want to pick a fight, pick on someone your 'size'.

mum2taylor · 01/05/2008 14:51

blueshoes - i think the whole point of the op posting here was that she wanted to vent her frustrations without confronting the 16 year old....it is the 16 year old who is being aggresive towards her by continually staring at her everytime she sees her!

I agree with what you say as regards to the girls age but I also think the girl needs to take some responsibility for her actions...at 16 we were all young and naive but it is the taking responsibility for your actions that makes you grow up and if the girl does not see firsthand the hurt she has caused to people by her actions then she will never learn from them.

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 14:54

Tbh, cheesesarnie, to have to live amongst the people around you (the dhs for their disgusting exploitative behaviour and the others for egging you on to confront a 16 year old), now THAT would do my head in.

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 14:56

mum2taylor: "I agree with what you say as regards to the girls age but I also think the girl needs to take some responsibility for her actions...at 16 we were all young and naive but it is the taking responsibility for your actions that makes you grow up and if the girl does not see firsthand the hurt she has caused to people by her actions then she will never learn from them."

I totally agree that someone needs to point out to the 16 year old her inappropriate behaviour, if anyone has the guts and diplomacy to do it sensitively and taking her age into consideration. A witchhunt is not the way to go.

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 14:59

I did not get the impression from cheesesarnie that the staring was aggressive. Was it? Or was it just curiosity and possibly awe?

skeletonbones · 01/05/2008 15:01

I think you should be angry at your husband for putting you in the situation rather than the girl herself, if she had made advances towanrds your partner and he had said 'no thanks' she wouldn't have anything 'over' you as it were.
If she keeps following you around tell him to sort it out by explaining that he made a mistake and she is far to young. Its his mess not yours and he should deal with the fall out.

mum2taylor · 01/05/2008 15:02

the impression I get from the OP was that the event happened a while ago and she has never confronted the girl for what happened...which I agree was the best course of action, but at 16 years old the girl probably thinks that the OP is "too scared" to say anything to her and this may be why she feels the need to stare at her every time she sees her. Bearing in mind this is happening every time OP goes to pick up her kids I think this is out of order as they may pick up on this and start asking questions. Her own childrens feelings will come before that of a daft 16 year old.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2008 15:03

cheesesarnie - are you okay? it is so stressful for you to have to be in the proximity of someone who contributed to your pain

as i said focus on the here and now
publicly ignore the girl

this is about front she is probably feeling she has to some how face you off, be cool or whatever

PUBLICALLY
be serene
be dignified
be the gutsy lady you are

private
MoAN
RANT
TO supportive good friends

take care

minouminou · 01/05/2008 15:06

just my 2p's worth
as part of my job, i hear a lot of girls of this age and younger asking about whether "such and such will leave such and such for me?"
the next week (or whenevr) it's a different guy they're trying to prise away from their partner
it seems that it's the act of "stealing" a man from an established relationship that is important, rather than the relationship itself
i can only assume it's zero self esteem which does this - they're desperate to bolster themselves by "beating" another woman - they're so magnetic and gorgeous that men will risk everything for them etc etc
dunno if it's a new thing or not, but i don't remember all this stuff when i was that age

bananaknickers · 01/05/2008 15:13

Sadly, my mum went through this Sarnie.My dad was 36 and she had just turned 18. She knew what she was doing and he was very flattered.She used to be fancinated by mum mum and then ring her up all the time.

Lots of girls like this have low self estem and are looking for some kind of father figure.

Just ignore her adn don't let her see it bothers you.

blueshoes · 01/05/2008 15:59

minou, I don't remember thinking like that, at ANY age! Likely to be insecurity, low self esteem and lack of aspirations at work.

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 01/05/2008 21:05

mum2taylor-thanks.you make a lot of sense

minouminou-youve described her to a 't'and the sad thing is everyone in the area knows this.so at 16 she is making a bad reputation for herself before her lifes even started.ofcourse my dh and any other men shes been with are also understandably getting a reputation.(and theyre families-im the idiot who put her children first and took him back)

bananaknickers -thats so sad

scottishmummy -im fine.i was just having yet another stressful day.but today is a new day.she was there today but she didnt see me.-being small has its advantages!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 01/05/2008 21:10

you are no idiot!you are trying to make the best of a dreadful situation, please don't be so harsh on yourself. you were unwittingly caught in this debacle

i hope your DH appreciates you

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 01/05/2008 21:12

i make sure he does.

OP posts:

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