Mum won’t leave

[SUVW]

So long story short my mum had to move in with us 2 years ago, due to losing her home.
It was always stated that this was only a short term solution for her as we don’t have the space (she’s been sleeping in our teenagers bedroom and they have either bunked in with their older siblings or slept in older siblings bedroom when they’re not home).

During the last two years I’ve had to push my mum do things ie it took her nearly a year to start to look at rental properties and apply to the council for housing, and due to the circumstances around her losing her previous home the council will not house at the current time. So she’s in a bit of a sticky situation and I think the only way she will get help from the council is if I tell them we are making her homeless (which my partner is telling me I have to do), but I’m concerned that if I do that she could be put anywhere and as a result may not be able to get to work!
The whole situation is causing a lot of stress and friction between my partner and I and my mum isn’t doing herself any favours by being completely oblivious to the issues she is causing, on top of this she’s never offered to cook a meal, do any cleaning and my teenagers room is a complete state, I’ve asked her numerous times to clean/sort it out and to not buy anything else as she keeps buying stuff too, so literally myself and my teenager can’t actually get to any of their stuff and I just think it’s really unfair.
I’ve spoke to her about this and her response was ‘yeah I know what that’s like’ (for context most of her belongings are in storage).
she has heard arguments between my partner and I, and I’ve told her that the situation is causing a lot of problems/tension, but yet nothing has happened and she doesn’t tell me anything either and when I ask questions she either fobs me off, diverts the question or outright lies to my face and will completely ignore messages at times.

I’m completely exhausted if I’m perfectly honest and have days where I don’t want to come home as I know I’ll be moaned at and will purposely ‘miss my train’

AIBU wanting her to leave?

OP - the fact you can even ask that tells us how dysfunctional your familial relationships are.

Of course YANBU - but how you approach it is tricky. I doubt you have the ability to pack her stuff up and drop her at the council but this is the kind of thing you may have to consider.

She has been with you for two years OP. You have definitely done your bit to support her. If you don't do something now then she is going to be with you forever! I think you should be prioritising you and your family, DH and DCs and not her (as you have already done this for the past 2 years.) Also I imagine your DCs would like their own space back!
I'm not sure how the process works but Citizens Advice may be a good place to start in terms of getting her housed. The council would have to find her somewhere (I believe?) which could be a hotel room or hostel type place for a while. But this is not your responsibility OP. She is a grown woman who works (you mentioned her working) so she is not completely incapable.
Enough is enough. If you don't move her out then it sounds like it might be your DH who moves out instead.

https://www.gov.uk/homelessness-help-from-council

You give her one week notice of eviction and then a week later drop her off at the council office housing with a few large bags.

She is funding storage fees for her belongings so she can stump up money for accommodation.

Want her to leave?

Amazed your DP hasnt ejected her already!

The fact you said she lies is bad enough. Terrible.

Op just a thought but isn't your Mum Eligible for the over 50's /retirement accommodation. IME it's much easier to get a flat in one of these HA blocks .

Yes she should qualify for over 55s sheltered housing also you could be a 'family connection' so she could get one in your area.

I would just tell her we need to do this, declare her homeless or whatever the council need you to do, also tell them of any health problems as that might help, and go from there.

Honestly OP she's taking the piss.

How old is she and why won't the council house her?

She's working. She's had 2 years to save up for a new deposit and a lot of rent in advance. She can move out to a private rental while she's waiting to get somewhere with the council. With the amount of money she's saved living with you, she can use 6 months' rent in lieu of a reference which it sounds like she doesn't have. Or you could be her reference to get a private ll and just get her out!

She has to go

Who's more important?

Your DP and children, or her? You won't get to keep both

And why did she lose her home?

She’s had more than enough time to save for and look for somewhere to live.

Give her until the end of the year to find somewhere else and if she doesn’t give the bedroom back to your child and pack her bags and ship her to a hotel.

You need to be firm or she will never leave.

Is she paying you rent?

She may have saved nothing if she’s needed to be told to stop buying stuff.

Absolutely shocked it’s

1/ been 2 years
2/ she’s not been cooking and cleaning
3/ she’s a hoarder in your poor child’s room
4/ she knows she’s causing unhappiness and hasn’t done anything about it
5/ your poor partner. My husband hates my mum coming over for more than 2 days!!!

You are being very unreasonable - to your husband and kids. Get her out as quickly as you can, if you need to make her homeless so be it.

Thank you, for all of your responses.

so to answer a few questions, she was evicted from a council property due to breach of her tenancy (eg it was in a very poor state, council hadn’t been able to come in and do repairs/rewire, due to her hoarding tendencies, despite the fact I had cleared and cleaned her kitchen twice before and both times it went back to how it was previously, my partner and I had cleared her loft out and took various things to the tip due to her being a non driver. So that’s why local council won’t house her she’s either got to go private or house share, not sure what happens if I declare her homeless?
when she was evicted I spent a week at hers packing and cleaned the house top to bottom when her stuff went to storage.
I was physically and mentally exhausted and in the middle of university placement, which I nearly failed luckily I had a really supportive practice educator “who let me work from home” that weekand the uni were also very supportive.
I ended up on antidepressants earlier this year and nearly failed my final year of uni (I was so lucky to have support from my tutor and some truly amazing friends.

Get her out op, she will ruin your house, your family and your MH, you've done what you can, take her to the council with an eviction notice and change your locks.
You can help her more once she is house AWAY from you.

With the new information I would make a referral to adult safeguarding and say she is a risk to self because of mental illness causing self neglect - hording. That this has lead to becoming homeless and is continuing at your home and she cannot stay there.

I would also take her to the council to do a homeless presentation and be very clear that she was evicted due to self neglect in the form of boarding, not something she had any control over or could stop without professional intervention and is ongoing.

I would say to your Mum after Christmas you are going to have to find a new place ( don't act as guarantor if she hoards)
then on 2nd january officially hand her a months notice ( 28 days is considered reasonable for a lodger) so she needs to be out by February
you must only do this if you are actually prepared to go through with it. You need to do this for your kids and partners sake you need to prioritise them now you helped your mum in a tight spot that is passed now they need to ome first and have their room back

Tell her you'll be having a chat.
Sit down with her and a cuppa and tell her that you're giving her (however long you decide) notice.
Don't get drawn into where she'll go, what she'll do or how she'll manage.
She's putting all responsibility onto you and your family and taking none herself.
You've gone over and above what is reasonable, so don't feel responsible or guilty about taking back control and putting yourself, your DP and your kids first.

You need to boot her. She will destroy your marriage and your children have had enough. You're hanging on by a thread with this. Tell her to pack a couple of bags, you'll deliver the rest to her or her storage facility, but you're done. You're taking her to the council offices first thing tomorrow and they can provide her with emergency housing.

TBH your main mistake was having her to live with you in the first place - did you really think this would turn out any other way?

Bit late for that now though, and the chances of her taking the initiative sound nil, so it's either put up with it (which is deeply unfair on everyone else) or tell the council she's now homeless and mean it

You can’t fix your mum. She has MH problems that are beyond your skill set. She needs to go. Her MH problems are causing MH problems for the rest of you.You know what you have to do. She is being very selfish continuing to stay and acting oblivious to the distress her choices are causing

YANBU

You need to put your children and husband first

Your poor children and partner putting up with this shit. It's absolutely insane.