Mum won’t leave

[SUVW]

So long story short my mum had to move in with us 2 years ago, due to losing her home.
It was always stated that this was only a short term solution for her as we don’t have the space (she’s been sleeping in our teenagers bedroom and they have either bunked in with their older siblings or slept in older siblings bedroom when they’re not home).

During the last two years I’ve had to push my mum do things ie it took her nearly a year to start to look at rental properties and apply to the council for housing, and due to the circumstances around her losing her previous home the council will not house at the current time. So she’s in a bit of a sticky situation and I think the only way she will get help from the council is if I tell them we are making her homeless (which my partner is telling me I have to do), but I’m concerned that if I do that she could be put anywhere and as a result may not be able to get to work!
The whole situation is causing a lot of stress and friction between my partner and I and my mum isn’t doing herself any favours by being completely oblivious to the issues she is causing, on top of this she’s never offered to cook a meal, do any cleaning and my teenagers room is a complete state, I’ve asked her numerous times to clean/sort it out and to not buy anything else as she keeps buying stuff too, so literally myself and my teenager can’t actually get to any of their stuff and I just think it’s really unfair.
I’ve spoke to her about this and her response was ‘yeah I know what that’s like’ (for context most of her belongings are in storage).
she has heard arguments between my partner and I, and I’ve told her that the situation is causing a lot of problems/tension, but yet nothing has happened and she doesn’t tell me anything either and when I ask questions she either fobs me off, diverts the question or outright lies to my face and will completely ignore messages at times.

I’m completely exhausted if I’m perfectly honest and have days where I don’t want to come home as I know I’ll be moaned at and will purposely ‘miss my train’

AIBU wanting her to leave?

She will ruin your life if you let her.

You've already had a close shave with your uni course. Your kids are fed up, how your partner hasn't totally lost his rag i have no idea.

She is not a child. She is an adult and you can't be responsible for her life. After Xmas give her 28 days notice. Where she goes after that, is up to her. But she cannot live with you.

It's awful, but she is making it untenable to stay through her own behaviour. She is ungrateful, lazy and entitled.

I would get advice from Shelter immediately.

Does your mum have diagnosed MH conditions and has seen a psychiatrist?

If you are deemed to be a fit and healthy adult, then even if you are homeless, they do not have a statutory duty to put you up in emergency housing, only if you come into one of the additional risk categories, and MH is one (others are things like children or pregnant, care leaver).

Get advice from Shelter on what to do, as the local council don't sound like they will allow her to take a longer-term tenancy of the type she would normally be entitled to, and as I say, I'm not clear on the emergency housing (hostel, B and B) type provision.

Your poor kids, and poor dh, particularly your teen who must feel as if neither her mother nor grandmother actually give a shit about her If you can't evict her, then I would suggest that your dh and dc move out tbh. This is so unfair on them - you and she are totally ruining their lives, and they are powerless to do anything about it.

Yes sorry but you have got to give her a date to leave. I’m guessing you won’t want to do it before Christmas but something like mid Jan sounds good and more than enough notice for her to sort herself out.

TBH I would stop doing stuff for her other than perhaps getting her to the GP, I think she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. So she can get to shelter/ get on to the council. All you need to do is to be 100% clear that from mid Jan your teen will be back in their room and her stuff needs to be out.

Don’t tell her this in advance but if she was genuinely about to sleep on a park bench, of course she could come and sleep on the sofa but she wouldn’t have her own room and it would be on the basis that she brings an overnight bag and nothing else.

She was the cause of being evicted

She's now fucking up your life and your home

She needs to go

You need to tell her explicitly that she must leave.

She is an adult and adults need to face the consequences of their own actions.

It is not for you, your children or your partner to suffer because of her poor life choices.

You've done more than could be reasonably expected of you and at great personal cost. It's not selfish to put yourself and the needs of your own family first.

I can't believe your DH and children have put up with this for so long. If I was your DH I would have issued an ultimatum months ago.

You need to be firm OP. Pack her stuff up and take her to the council offices. It will be hard but worth it. If you don't the outcome won't be good for you or your family life long term.

Good luck.

If she has been evicted for the reasons you say, the council won't rehouse her unless she has solid proof that she is unusually vulnerable (eg due to mental health issues) That means she has no guarantee of emergency/temporary council housing because even if they deem her to be vulnerable (and single adults rarely are) once they do their assessment and deem she was evicted for those reasons they would end her offer of emergency accommodation.
Temporary housing through the council is only for the duration of their assessment or if, following assessment, they deem you eligible for rehousing and therefore you stay in the temp accommodation until you secure permanent.

Being evicted from social housing is serious, it's s long process and she would have been given many chances to get support or work with services, it would have to be a bomb proof case to override that. She needs to get private housing or a houseshare. She may qualify for a houseshare with a supported housing charity though it depends what provision is local to you.

So that’s why local council won’t house her she’s either got to go private or house share, not sure what happens if I declare her homeless?

It is not your problem what happens to her when (WHEN, not if) you make her homeless.
First, get the keys or access to her storage. Then take a weekend to move ALL her stuff out of your home and into the storage, bar an 'overnight' bag of minimal clothes and toiletries. If there is not enough room in the storage, you bin the stuff - take it to the council tip / recycling centre.

Return the bedroom to a fit condition for your son and he moves back in there.
She can sleep on the sofa for X nights, e.g. 3 or 5 nights, and not bring ANYTHING else into your home. If she tries to bring anything into your home, you put it straight into the bin, whatever it is.
Then after the X nights, you change the locks.

If you don't do this, your marriage is dead, your mental health is wrecked, and what is worse your children will resent or even hate you.

She’ll destroy your house with her hoarding. Sorry to be brutal, talk to Shelter, kick her out. Your dc deserve better, as do you and your dp.

I feel for the OP, this is really hard. My elderly dad is / was also a hoarder and we thought he was going to get evicted from his sheltered housing flat.

they let him keep it in the end but we had to send him elsewhere and gut the place, they even had to out new flooring in, he got referred to social services and finally got a social worker. He has a dementia diagnosis and it in his late 70s though, maybe they were kinder due to this?

His housing warden helped me with with a letter to apply for attendance allowance, he got carers in and a twice weekly cleaner (would not be an option for your mum if working) he is now in a rehab hospital and waiting for a care home place.

however in your mums case, she is still working, she seems to be more 'with it' than dad and also might be able to afford private accommodation (?) such as a room somewhere. I wonder if a referral to local services due to the hoarding / possible mental health could be appropriate, but possibly not given her seeming capacity / working / younger age.

• to clarify I meant the AA would probably not be an option as it is a benefit like PIp but for those of retirement age, unless she is that age of course.

Being evicted from social housing is serious, it's s long process and she would have been given many chances to get support or work with services

That's why I suggested there was never any hope of her behaving differently at OP's, @Wimberry; if she wouldn't step up when faced with the loss of such a secure tenancy there's no way she'll do it in her DD's home

As you say it'll have to be a private rental or house share, but god knows what's she'll do about references if there's not a charity to help
In some ways - if it comes to this - a hospital admission may be no bad thing, as that could force some sort of provision as a condition of discharge

What was your mother like when you were a child? As well as being a hoarder, she sounds manipulative and selfish so I would imagine that your childhood was difficult.

You need to put your husband and children first and evict her. She has absolutely no incentive to leave. She is hoarding in your home, she has her own room (as your teenagers have been evicted from their room) and does no cooking or cleaning. Does she pay you any rent?

You are deliberately missing your train to avoid her. Imagine how your husband and children feel.

All Hoarders are manipulative and selfish. That's how they manage to Hoard.

I think her only solution is renting a room privately so she will only have her 1 room to store her Hoard, plus she can pay for storage.
Don't pay storage for her, whatever you do.

Sorry you're in this nightmare OP, but please, PLEASE get her out in the near future.

I thought hoarding is a mental health problem similar to OCD? And usually associated with loss / trauma of some kind.

So I have spoken to her and told her that she needs to find a place of her own, as this cannot continue. I’ve laid out my reasoning and pointed out it was only meant to be short term, as well as I can’t get to any of my Teenagers stuff (which also means they can’t either , which is totally unfair).
I’ve also told her the financial implications for my family and that she has to get some support from CAB/shelter to seek accommodation.

I’ve done what I can to support her but have felt like she’s taking the piss for a little while now, the blatant disregard for my sons room and our home in general. The fact she knows it’s causing tension between my partner and I.

further to this I know she’s lied to me about certain things and has withheld information and generally being manipulative, as she often backtracks on previous conversations when I question further.

So thank you for confirming what I already knew was the right thing to do or be doing in this situation!

what was her response to 'the talk'?

You have to make her homeless.
Then the council will step in.
Getting to work is her problem to solve.

Did she agree to the plan though OP?

Your mother is not your responsibility.

Please read about FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) which often clouds our judgment when it comes to difficult parents and toxic family dynamics.

She has to present as homeless at her local housing department. They have a duty to house her. Pack up her stuff and get her out of your home. She will be causing untold damage to your own family dynamic, especially your teenagers.

It is not your responsibility to facilitate your mother's life, including how she gets to work, and what arrangements she makes about her own living circumstances.

OP, I'm glad you have told her to go. My late husband was a hoarder. It actually made me unwell, mentally, having to deal with his hoarding on a daily basis. It took me a year of solid work to sort his stuff after he died. For your own sakes, do not allow her to manipulate this situation. If she wants to live in squalor that's her choice, but she has no right to do that to you.
Even if she has no rights under homeless legislation to be offered temporary accommodation, she still has the right to be offered advice by them to assist her to resolve her homelessness. Give her a date to leave, tell her to contact the homeless unit and ask for advice.
I hope you have some peace and quiet soon, you have suffered long enough.

The thing is, and I know I'm probably "projecting", you simply never do this.
Once the "loved ones" have their feet under the table, it's almost impossible to get them out.
(My parents were emotionally abusive).

You totally need to make sure she knows you are serious. Set her a clear deadline to leave op.

In all the programmes I've watched about Hoarders they listen to the adverse effect on their loved ones, bit it doesn't sink in, like water on a ducks back.

They can just switch off thinking how they may be hurting others. They don't register that they are being unfair. They may say the right words, but it's literally just lip service.

It is absolutely a mental illness, but there's very very little chance of improvement.

There's been some very sad stories from families of Hoarders on here over the years, and I have never heard of a successful ending.

Know what you're up against OP. I'm so sorry.