To not want to let my sons dad see him at Christmas

[Rebelrebelcat]

Long story short as this same scenerio has happened before 2 years ago..

My 7 year olds Dad works in the army and sees son unreliably EOW. A week before DS birthday in September when I was picking him up his DF told me he was being posted abroad and wouldn't know when he would be back. Apart from a text on DS birthday I have had no contact from what so ever. However, as he has done this before I knew he was lying about working away.. He plays for a football team locally and he has been on the team lineup each week and scoring goals ect, even one on his sons birthday when he text wish he could see him! Now suddenly as soon as the christmas period comes he as text me asking to see son next weekend as he is 'back from working away this week and wants to see him'

During the time he's been gone and my son as asked about him I have just told my son daddy is working away and said he will see you when he gets back.. I have never told him the truth that his dad is actually just living his normal life and not wanting to see him, as this would hurt him... I've made plenty of plans throughout December and Xmas day and now his dad will expect to see son on Christmas day... But I'm thinking why should he get to see him when he's been lying about being away the whole time. Why should I cancel our Christmas day plans cause he suddenly wants to be a dad again??

I haven't replied to his text yet as I'm unsure what to do. I want my son to see his dad but I also don't want the dad to think he can just pick and choose when he sees him and lie....
Thank you for any advice... X

What a wonderful example of a devoted father 😵‍💫🙄😒

Do you have a court order? I would be tempted to be petty and ignore his message until he gets in contact again

I would tell him I knew but haven’t told DC to spare their feelings. Unfortunately you now have plans due to his lack of communication but I’m sure DC will be happy to see you on Boxing day (insert day that suits you).

Thanks for your reply.... No court order in place no.... He did message again at half 3 this morning with a '? ?'. To which I've left unopened. He played a match again yesterday 40 mins away and scored so he would have gone out drinking to celebrate I guess, hence the early morning text

I would tell him the dates that suit you for him to see him.

If you've made plans, stick to them. But be gracious and allow ds to see his dad. It doesn't have to be for long, a couple hours after school, a day on a weekend if you can. The evening of Christmas day or boxing day depending on what your plans are.

I have the same issue with my son's dad, cropping up a week or two before a date he wants extra time with ds and I've turned him down because I make plans. I've told him he needs to give at least a month's notice if he wants any extra time and anything closer than that is likely to be refused as I like to make the most of my weekends with ds.

Try and remember it's in ds's best interests to see/have a relationship with both parents. Facilitate it where you can without ruining your own plans otherwise that will become the precedent

I wouldn't be cancelling anything. I would send him a list of convenient dates and telling him we already had plans to go away 22-30 December and won't be at home.

Just send him a list of the couple of days that you don’t have plans for and say this is all the available time this month . I doubt he will get back to you .

I'd also be taking screenshots of the Facebook photos and dates of the matches so if it goes to court you'll have hard proof he was in the country

So you’ve not heard from him since September and it’s now Dec 1st, I would reply saying I will get back to you once I can give you some dates.

Or
DS and I are really into following ……….. football team and interesting to see someone with your name regularly plays for them, how strange a coincidence.

I’d defo tell him you know he’s lying. I would also offer to arrange a day he can see DS but not Xmas Day itself. Give a few dates and see what he says. Man’s a lying twat and a shit dad, but presumably your son does want to see him, so facilitate that without putting yourself out - if he cocks up, and he likely will, that’s on him.

Tell him you will be "working away" and he can see his son when you get back.

Or just ignore him completely and reply after Christmas. He's ignored his son for months.

Look up when his favourite football team is playing football over the Christmas period and say he can see his son then. I suspect he will miraculously be posted away again!

I bought him to your football matches...

Text back saying the days are convenient for you and your DS.
Tell him you already have plans for Christmas day.

Thanks for your replies. I'm worried if I say you can see him this weekend but we have plans christmas day that he won't bring him back!

@Rebelrebelcat can you go back on the internet and screenshot the team selections with his name and dates of matches?? send all the screenshots and ask for an explanation about how he could possibly play all those matches when he wasnt even in the country!!

Could he be arsed to look after him though, given his football and well, everything else in his life - takes priority over his child?

Don't let him see him at all if that's a genuine concern.

Ignore his texts, he can wait months for you to reply just like you waited months for any contact to his son. If he wants proper time, he can go to court.

I’d reply “new phone, who’s this?”

And then offer him a couple of days in Twixmas when you haven’t got plans.

I've taken screenshots. As I did last time to which his reply was he was in a bad place mentally and couldn't see son...... He just doesn't give a toss. Parents cant just abandon their children when they're having a rough time!

I'm thinking about sending him the screenshots of proof he has been in this country the whole time and adding 'I think you need to explain this before you see (son)

If you have the screenshots proving he's been local all along then I'd send them to him with a brief message, something like " What do you mean you're home, you never went away", then see what he says.

Would your son enjoy seeing him? Because if the answer is yes then I'd start from a point where I would allow a meet and work from there to make sure is happened in a way that had the least risk of disappointing DS, or of him not returning him. So a couple of hours at my house with me in another room on Christmas eve, maybe. Christmas day alone, no.

As others have e said, just give available dates if you want.

I wouldn't be able to help myself and say ' hey, I believe you got a cracking goal in last night at footy. You should get man of the season or something, ivevhears you've had plenty of good games over the last few months! However that would probably just cause drama.

I'd not bother mentioning you know he's not been working, just tell him that you have plans with your dc as you didn't know when he'd be back. But when he can see the dc over new years weekend. Bet your bottom dollar he won't as he'll want to be out on the piss.

If he challenges this, I'd then send him the screen shots and follow them up with a text telling him you know he's been lying about working and seeing his dc obviously isn't a priority so you're sure he won't mind waiting a few more weeks for contact.