To be so unhappily married

[Tryingtodobetter82]

I know I am being unreasonable, so please don’t judge me too harshly.

My husband is a lovely man, and we have two beautiful kids together, and I do love him but I’m not in love with him anymore.
I would like to separate but I am a SAHM, where my little boy is in nursery two days a week from 9.30 - 2.45 and I am studying to go into a different career. And i don’t have any money of my own at the moment 😔

We have been together for 15 years and married for 11, but there is no passion - wasn’t even any on our honeymoon. I had been turned down by him a few times before so my self esteem was too low to get turned down again.
He has never once told me I look nice when we very infrequently go out, will make the joke of “aren’t you going to get changed” which he thinks is funny and I have to tell him each time that it’s not.

sometimes he is great with the kids other times he will lay on the sofa on his phone for the afternoon and let the kids do what they want.
He isn’t abusive, defensive and sometimes gaslighting but not abusive. And he isn’t out all the time with his mates so he is always around just isn’t “present” a lot of the time.

i do the most of the cleaning, all school / school club pick up and drop offs, washing. Which is obviously a given as I am not the one bringing in the money to our household.

I just feel like I’m living in a celibate, last time was 7 months ago, before that it was a year. And loveless marriage.

I had an old friend message me a little over a year ago telling me I was really beautiful and I still looked the same. But I shut it down immediately.
I couldn’t believe him though because my self esteem is rock bottom.

Sorry the post is long & thank you for reading this far.

Have you tried asking him of her is also unhappy?

In what way is he “a lovely man”? He sounds quite lazy and gaslighty.

So you love him but aren't in love with him anymore????? That sounds pretty normal for a couple with very young children. I appreciate that the sexual side of your marriage needs addressing but that can be worked at.
I think you have unrealistic expectations OP. You described your husband as a lovely man, please tell him how you feel.
As for the old friend messaging you, I appreciate that you need to feel loved and it is lovely to be told that you look nice/attractive but some people are better than others at that.
You have been together for a long time. To me, it sounds worth working at.
Take care OP

Thank you everyone.
He is a kind man but can be very cruel at times also.
I have raised how I feel and it gets flipped - “I’m a terrible husband” comments.

raised about the sex issues many many times and nothing ever changes.
I love him and our family, but I can’t live another 10 years in practical celibacy, so I have very carefully brought up the idea of an open marriage.
I’m not sure if that aspect of our marriage was out of the way, there might not be so much resentment about never having affection.

i don’t really know what to do 😔

But I also feel like I should not be even thinking like that being a mum.
kind of like my feelings should go on the back burner until my children are older x

I’m of that perimenopause stage where I am horny every day so it’s hard to ignore these feelings x

Do you try and initiate sex, what happens?

Kind men aren't cruel. Ever.

I'm sorry you are in this mess. It sounds really hard.

He doesn't sound lovely if he keeps making the dame unfunny and insulting "jokes" even though you have told him you don't find it funny.

He doesn't sound lovely if he is ever cruel.

He doesn't sound lovely if he habitually lays about on the sofa when you are busy with the kids etc.

And if he doesn't desire you and doesn't even show you affection, he doesn't sound like much of a husband to be honest.

He can still be a good father to the kids if and when you have stopped him being a shit husband to you, by sacking him off from being your shit husband and demoting him to ex husband.

I think it’s over op
its sad and I don’t think you can leave yet until you get a job and some money together so don’t rush the decision but quietly make plans

I did used to and he would always have ED or if we could it would be over in less than 1 minute.
other times he just wouldn’t be interested, would say “in the morning” but it never happened.

so I resigned myself to asking him over text to come up for sex and he pretends he fell asleep on the sofa or didn’t read it until the morning.
just last week we had planned to have sex at the weekend and it never happened, same for this weekend and nothing.
it’s so disheartening, I brought it up last night and he said tomorrow night (as we hadn’t planned for it last night) 😔

Leave him asap

Is it bad that I’m not even upset that it might be over b/w us.
but I still want to give my kids the life they deserve and on any salary I get that won’t happen. 😔

Thank you.
I think maybe I said cruel too loosely, he wasn’t understanding and very shouty when I went through PND.

Are you attracted to him now? Were you originally attracted to him? Do you like having sex with him when it does happen? Does he seem to enjoy sex once it’s started?

If the answer to any of questions is no, it might be harder to salvage…

The non-sex stuff seems more fixable. If he realised you were truly considering leaving over it he’d probably start complimenting you. Sounds like he recognises when you make the effort but is too awkward and repressed to compliment you so he makes his stupid joke instead.

Just read your updates. It doesn’t sound good. Do you think he wants to split too?

I think he is quite unhappy but I do try to take all the burden off him for home life.
I’ve never said no for him going out to do his hobby and staying over night.
I think he might have a bit of depression, I did bring it up once (it was in an argument so heated discussion) but he said “I wonder whose fault that is”

I am recently divorced.
sounds fairly similar except my EXH was absolutely horrid over the last year or so of our marriage, blowing up infront of the kids to the point they were stood behind me scared.

I don’t know what my advice is but I spend half my time without my DC now which I obviously hate. I wish we could have found a way.

If he had have been nice enough I might have had an affair and had the best of both worlds.

No easy option

Good luck!

This might be it to be honest. He uses humour in weird ways sometimes.

We were mad for each other at first, and he does seem to enjoy it once it starts, so do I, but it’s over so so quickly that it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the effort and he doesn’t do foreplay.

I honestly don’t know.
I think because we have our family and we are so financially intertwined we are both staying because of that more than the love for each other. 😔

Is there any possibility he is gay? I'm only asking that because he's clearly never been interested in having sex with you so I wonder why he wanted to get married. What's it like on the odd occasion you do have sex?

I’m so sorry, I hope you are ok, that must be so tough only having them 50% of the time. This is one of my biggest fears.

we have had all out rows in front of the kids, but I do have to repeatedly tell him to not shout in front of the kids.

i think if he would turn a blind eye to an affair then I could live with life like that, but it would only be helping me not my children or the home life.
it’s so hard.

It is funny you say that. I have wondered that quite a bit before. But genuinely I think it’s just a really low low drive, he’d be happy to live a life of celibacy, but he can’t choose that for me.

Alot of people stay together for those reasons and things can work out in the end
No easy answer

What did he say when you mentioned open marriage?