About visitors?

[Flowerspowerss]

Our newborn is a few weeks old. Tomorrow extended family are visiting, along with MIL who has already been multiple times and held the baby on each visit. Happy for immediate/close family to hold baby. There is an aunt coming who I don’t know particularly well. She is visiting from the other end of the country and is going to want to hold the baby- I don’t want her to. I know I probably sound PFB but she is a smoker and I can’t particularly trust she wouldn’t smoke beforehand. We will see them again at Christmas which isn’t too far away. Baby has also been sneezing a few times today and I am wondering if she has a little cold.

Is it reasonable to have them over to see us but hold my baby the whole time and not pass her round? Should I tell people these are my intentions beforehand so nobody comes with expectations, or just make an excuse if they ask to hold her?

I wonder if a good alternative would be to meet them out the house or for a walk, then it’s easy to spend time together without that expectation.

I hope when my nephews are older they consider me close family. YABU.

I'm very anti smoking (asthmatic) but my FIL smokes and has always cuddled our babies.

An aunt you'll see a few times a year isn't going to do any harm, very different to a parent smoking.

When you say there is 'an aunt' coming, whose aunt do you meant?

YABU

Just ensure that anyone who touches or holds your baby has thoroughly washed their hands.

No exceptions.

It’s a bit over the top!

Let her hold the baby.

What's going to happen in the five minutes she might hold your baby?

I think you're being a bit silly (as most of us are with our first babies). No harm is going to befall her from being held for a few minutes by a smoker who is not smoking at the time. She'll benefit more from being loved by another doting relative than she will from being protected from a virtually nonexistent risk. I know you feel fiercely protective, but unclench a little.

Ask her to wash her hands well prior to holding baby (as all visitors should).

she’s traveled a long way to see you and I’d be thrilled if my niece had a baby! I’d want to celebrate. I take it it’s your husbands aunt not yours and so ‘worth’ less in the family in your eyes.

dont be mean! The fact someone wants to celebrate you and your baby is wonderful . They can’t be loved too much and I am sure she will either refrain from smoking or wait until afterwards

Not unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t want a smoker holding my newborn.

either let them know before hand if you don’t feel confident to say it on the day, go out, or have her in a sling so people don’t expect a hold. You could say you don’t think she’s very well so don’t want her being passed around if you don’t want to single out the smoker. It’s your baby. You do what feels right

I was very anxious about this with all my babies. And not because they were relatives of DH, mine also. Midwife’s told us to make sure any smoking visitors to smoke outside, to change top and wash hands before touching/holding baby.

Myself and DH find smoking vile. We were both on the same page. We told people of these rules before hand. Also made it clear no kissing baby on the face. Youngest DC is almost a year and the kissing thing still bothers me. My auntie and MIL are obsessed with kissing DC on the lips and it makes me cringe. Why do people think this is normal.

You sound hard work! Just het people to wash their hands

It’s not just the smoking that would put me off, it’s peak season for all kinds of nasty bugs and viruses. Flu, covid, there was a V&D bug in the news the other day. I wouldn’t be passing my newborn round just to satisfy an adults desire for a cuddle.

I felt the same. It's tricky as new mothers face a barage of scary warnings. There's no clear solution. Just get them to wash hands and whisk baby away asap. Most of the time I clung to mine unless they requested.

My niece had a baby recently. First in next generation after many years. I didn't dream of asking to hold her and l am not a smoker. This whole thing of holding people's babies is over l think . Just say she has a little cold and it's best no one holds her. They may not even ask.

As much as I hate stinking smokers I'd be more concerned of any of them kissing baby on the face so I'd be saying "I'm following advice of my midwife as there are so many bugs going around so I'd appreciate it if you'd wash your hands before a cuddle and please don't kiss the baby". Very reasonable request and sets out your expectations clearly. Hopefully fag ash lil will be more sensible than to turn up stinking!

It's over?? Why's that?

Well as long as she isn't smoking when holding the baby I personally wouldn't worry!Absolutely lovely she is visiting.
My lovely Mum was a smoker and my children are fine. All fit functioning adults.

Since when was skin contact with a smoker dangerous? What do you expect to happen? You are going to hurt a number of people’s feelings for no real reason OP, try having a sense of proportion.

I think you're in the minority there. Most people want to cuddle a newborn family member, and most new parents don't mind as long as everyone behaves respectfully and doesn't take the piss.

I feel sorry for new mums these days. It’s so easy to become a paranoid wreck with all the rules that are circulated on social media. Babies survive and thrive from being held by family who love them and who love their parents.

I think you are the exception there.

My niece had a baby a little while ago and is very appreciative of all the love shown by her family and her husband's family. She quite naturally asks if visitors want a cuddle.

Indeed, I've met a few new babies in the last few months that I'm not even related to (friends of my adult dcs' babies) and they have all been happy to let me have a cuddle (they offered, without me asking).

@Flowerspowerss I think YABU as you are asking.
Seems very rude to me to say to an Aunty that 'you can come to my house but not touch my baby'.

YABU

I get it OP, I was anxious and overwhelmed at times as a new mum of a newborn.

Realistically though, unless someone is contagious I don't think you can allow only certain visitors to hold your baby and not others without causing offense. Especially if they've made a special effort to visit. You can ask visitors to wash their hands first though.

I felt very uncomfortable with my son being 'passed around' as a baby as it clearly agitated him and I wish I had advocated for him/myself more when it happened on a few occasions.