About visitors?

[Flowerspowerss]

Our newborn is a few weeks old. Tomorrow extended family are visiting, along with MIL who has already been multiple times and held the baby on each visit. Happy for immediate/close family to hold baby. There is an aunt coming who I don’t know particularly well. She is visiting from the other end of the country and is going to want to hold the baby- I don’t want her to. I know I probably sound PFB but she is a smoker and I can’t particularly trust she wouldn’t smoke beforehand. We will see them again at Christmas which isn’t too far away. Baby has also been sneezing a few times today and I am wondering if she has a little cold.

Is it reasonable to have them over to see us but hold my baby the whole time and not pass her round? Should I tell people these are my intentions beforehand so nobody comes with expectations, or just make an excuse if they ask to hold her?

I wonder if a good alternative would be to meet them out the house or for a walk, then it’s easy to spend time together without that expectation.

This whole thing of holding people's babies is over l think

Perhaps in your culture, but certainly not in mine.

YANBU, imo. Second hand smoke still comes out of peoples lungs for quite some time after the cigarette is put out.
Your baby, your rules.

This is so weird to me. Holding babies, cuddling babies, it is just never going to be "over". It is not a fucking fad, it is an inherent drive of humans (though mostly female humans probably). Noone is entitled to hold any baby, but it's v weird for most families if noone is allowed to touch the baby.

One wonders how the human race survived for so long, with all the cuddling babies that went on in the past…

Ultimately if you don't want to pass your newborn around , you don't have to!

Since we know more about the consequences of third hand smoking

www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-impact-of-thirdhand-smoke-on-kids

I hate babies being passed round like parcels. Nobody 'deserves' a cuddle. I'd be inclined to day she's a bit under the weather and so she'll be staying with you/wherever she sits/sleeps during the day. You don't do baby wearing do you, that's one way to stop folk trying to pick baby up!

It ended with Covid l feel. . Obviously no one wanted anyone near their baby so it became taboo. So ever since l notice there has been a shift towards not asking for a little hold. Maybe l am too influenced by what l read on here but l would never ask now and l noticed my niece didn't offer. Mom's are more aware of the impact of cold sores, of smoking, and generally more assertive around their babies. There is no way l am having anyone say no to me so l will never ask now.

Third hand smoke is a thing. You're not unreasonable. My father came in from smoking once and I refused to hand him the baby when he asked. He reeked, having freshly smoked. I didn't want to be near that smell let alone be a poor baby forced to be right against it. It wasn't my first baby either. It was my sixth.

I think we should all show zero interest in babies it is all too needing a contract to read and sign before your presence is allowed anywhere need a baby

Why is life so complicated these days

People saying it's unreasonable don't understand how bad some smokers stink. My step mum chain smokes and even though she smokes outside and washes her hands me and my baby both come back smelling and I have to bath and change his clothes. It lingers on people's clothes and transfers when a babies being held.

It would be really unkind to refuse to let someone hold the baby when they’ve come to visit. She is your partners family and won’t do any harm.

Just ask visitors to wash their hands first and all should be fine. If you're anxious then request no-one kisses baby or touches their hands or face, due to seasonal cold viruses going round.

People on mumsnet are always surprisingly blasé about others holding newborns, in my opinion. A baby which is a few weeks old does not have a developed immune system and shouldn’t be passed around. It’s one thing for your and your husband’s parents to hold her (after washing hands and assuming they aren’t symptomatic with viruses) but this expectation that a tiny baby is a parcel to be handed around adults is strange and dangerous.

I think that to avoid awkwardness you will have to have a consistent rule that nobody holds her on this occasion. Say she’s coming down with a cold so you’re being extra cautious, then just keep her with you. A sling is a very useful contraption in these circumstances.

Well, for a start, lots of it didn’t. The infant mortality rate in 1800 was 329 deaths per 1000 live births…

(and no, I’m not saying the reduction in infant mortality is exclusively down to people no longer passing their babies around, but this is such a silly position to take when we know for a fact that in the past a significant number of babies used to die due to poor hygeine and preventable illnesses).

Exactly. A smoker is not going to harm a baby unless she is actually smoking at the time she is with the baby.

I don’t agree with these comments saying you’re being unreasonable.
She’s your baby & if you think she may be unwell & you don’t want her being passed around then don’t let them.
The advice was always for smokers to change their clothes before holding a newborn? But even so.
We took our daughter to a wedding when she was two weeks old and I decided I didn’t want her being passed about so I kept her in a sling - could you do that? Say she isn’t well and so won’t be passing her around. End of.

Well that simply isn't true...

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5716630/

Third hand smoke has been shown to cause damage. How about being kind to the poor baby whose face will be shoved in the stink? My father came in smelling so strong always. My father has a choice to smoke and stink. My baby has no choice so it's my job to be kind to them and advocate for their health and comfort.

Doesn't matter if she even was being precious about it. Her baby, her decision.

I even told my father, "No, you chose smoking over holding the baby, so not today."

I never hold anyone else’s newborn, I find it respectful to wait until they are older. I do t think you are being unreasonable at all. You are being a mother who is naturally protective over her baby. It doesn’t matter if you do it differently to the next person 1 we are all different. There are no wrong answers. So do what makes you comfortable- you are not playing pass the parcel.

I think this attitude is setting families up to fail.

If you don’t want anyone to hold your baby you’ll regret it when 2 and 3 come along.

They are there to love and support you - surprising how family will fall away with this attitude.

Not my experience. I continued to advocate for the health and comfort of my babies all the way through to #6. No family fail.

Why do you even have an aunt coming to your house who you don't know particularly well? It irritates me how all the relatives come crawling out the woodwork when there is a baby involved,despite never bothering before or later

Do you have any evidence of this?

In my experience, people are far more interested in newborns than toddlers in general.

The ones who are still interested in my son now he's a toddler are the ones who clearly respected our decisions as parents when he was a newborn. Such as; waiting to be asked if they want to hold him, passing him back when he cries, not visiting when poorly.

I understand your point of view and was PFB myself. I remember going to a shop with my mum and coming back from picking something up and a stranger was holding my baby - my mum knew her face but not her name. I was so annoyed (after this lady had left) but I'd ruined this moment where my mum was a proud grandma showing off her granddaughter which wasn't something she'd get to do as we lived far away.

My auntie was also PFB and we drove miles to see her as a family and the baby slept in a cot in their room the whole time. We were not allowed to go in and she would not bring her out. When she did wake up only her mum and dad held her. My mum and gran were heartbroken and still mention it 16 years later.

This aunt will have travelled a long time to see you all and will be looking forward to the new arrival. To do anything other than let her hold her with washed hands and not just after a fag would be unreasonable. This will not harm your baby but it would harm your relationships.