To resent that my husbands macho-ness is rubbing on to my sons

[ThrowWyNov24]

So, 10 years ago I (then 37) met a guy on holiday in the Middle East on a business trip. He was a manager at one of the airlines, a bit younger than me. I had issues with luggage and was at my wits' end with the bureaucracy, and let's just say he helped me out, and we stayed in touch.
Three years later, he moved to England for work, and we started talking. Talking led to coffee, coffee led to meals, and before long, we were an item. He proposed three months later, and we married, despite some concerns from his family.
His mother is Christian, his father Muslim, and he takes after his dad, though in a more relaxed way... Anyway, moving on to the present. I have two 14-year-old twin sons from a previous marriage to a shitty ex who is now out of our lives. My sons really look up to my husband, and he is very close to them. They go cycling every Saturday morning, he takes them swimming twice a week, and we also do a lot of family outings together.
However, I'm starting to feel like his way of encouraging them to be 'men' is rubbing off in ways I’m not sure I’m comfortable with. He often tells them to "fight back," "be a man," or to toughen up. He’s not abusive or anything like that, but his approach is very focused on masculinity—especially when it comes to discipline, schoolwork, and things like cleaning up.
It works in the sense that they’re motivated to get things done and they’re thriving in all sorts of ways , but the whole 'toughen up' and ‘man up’ attitude feels a bit outdated, and it clashes with my own very North London lefty liberal feminist worldview. And it’s changing them too as they seem I don’t know… just different from their cousins etc.
I don’t mean to undermine him or all but I would really appreciate your thoughts?

Have you talked to him about it and your views?

In what way do they seem different?

Telling them to toughen up is getting them to suppress their emotions. This might mean they become withdrawn.

He sounds like a wonderful influence to me.

But it was your choice to introduce this man into your children’s life? You’re just as responsible, what did you expect to happen?

Can't really tell what the issue is as you haven't really given examples.

Your DH encourages them to clean up? Among other things that don’t sound extreme and quite character building? That is very good news, id nothing elsd they will have better relationships as a result, look at these boards with all the cocklodgers and men who can’t do any tidying up without being told.
well done you DH i’d say.

There’s psychological research out there that shows it’s good for boys to have that male influence, and also that men nurture and raise children in very different ways. They’re more likely to do rough and tumble and be disciplined, less tolerant. There’s a place for it

Or that it’s teaching them resilience, which might mean they become determined and ambitious.

Fine line, yes. I love cats too

As long as it's balanced with talking about their own feelings and caring for others (your influence perhaps), there's nothing wrong with mental strength, standing your ground, speaking up, developing good discipline for health and work.

Perhaps see how you can yin and yang it so your children grow up with the best of both worlds.

I know what you're getting at but honestly he doesn't have to do things the same way as you. It's good to have diversity of views/ personality.

Does he encourage them to be respectful to women in how he speaks to you and about other people?

He sounds like a pretty decent guy and a good role model for teen boys. Aren't you glad he's bonded with them and takes an interest in their development as people?

He might feel it doesn't do teens any good to indulge them in moods/minor problems. I guess if something more serious occurred like if one of them was struggling with bullying or depression and he was still unsympathetic that would be a problem but it doesn't sound like it's quite there.

He sounds great. be careful what you wish for..

Did he ever show signs of disrespecting women in the past. I am sure he thinks he is bringing up his sons properly and in the way his father would like even if it goes against your way of thinking. I don't know whether it's OK to mention religion on here but Islam used to expect men to feel superior to women or at least to believe they know better. Could pleasing his father be relevant?

It might not be the ideal wording, but the idea is right and he is doing a fantastic job!

He is teaching them to be resilient which is a skill that so many youngsters are lacking these days!

I'm sure they'll learn at school what the correct wording should be and will therefore understand that he is just using some outdated language.

Is this just a bit irritating to you, OP or is it a 'marry in haste and repent at leisure" scenario?

You need to give examples.
If he is just telling them to toughen up in terms of being resilient, and not moaning about everything that can be a good thing. I am constantly shocked by the snowflakes at work, and I do tell my own kids to get a grip, and go and do their sports training even when it's cold outside, etc.

If the cleaning example is that he is telling them as they are boys they shouldn't clean as women will do it for them, that's very different. But presumably, you would see that play out at home - if they see him contributing to the house, and doing his share then they will do the same. If he treats you like a skivvy, that's different, but then the issue is in your relationship, not what he says to them.

I think if you have conversations with your sons, and also ensure you (as a women) are treated very respectfully at home, they will copy that.
I think you need to give more precise examples.

I see being macho as having an attitude of dismissiveness to women , having a fragile ego and so taking offence to anything that makes you look silly and having to look superior and in control all the time.

it doesn’t sound like this.

Do the boys respect you less? That would be the issue for me

Tbh men are men - I've found men in liberal circles to be worse than men like your husband

If he's having a positive influence and the boys are good, respect women and treat you and others well, I think you're okay

I sometimes say to my dd, you're a girl, we've are strong etc, positive female attributes

If they're looking up to Andrew tate and saying misogynistic stuff, then you should worry! x

Yes, maybe 😺😺😺

Agree, the ‘liberal’ ones are usually the worst misogynists.

They're boys who are turning into men...they should be allowed to embrace their masculinity if they want...it doesn't have to be toxic. Your north London liberal type of thinking may not actually suit them entirely....shock horror!

I would’ve had words with him the first time he told them to ‘toughen up’, especially if it is something he wouldn’t have said to girls.

If he ignored me, I wouldn’t have stayed with him.

Im surprised a North London lefty liberal feminist married someone with such old fashioned views on masculinity

I think he sounds quite nice. But as you say, your views don’t align.
If you want to stay married, make sure you’ve been open with your own view, as he is.
Don't try and fight his opinions, balance it out with your own.
If your kids are able to see that opposing views are respected and discussed, they are more likely to naturally have a more balanced attitude.

I don't see the harm so long as it doesn't drift into sexism and misogyny

I think most young people these days need to toughen up and be more resilient whether they are male or female

Hard to tell from what you've said. Resilience and discipline sound like very good things to me. Sometimes in life you do just need to toughen up and get on with something, even if you don't fancy it.

If there's disrespect towards women or they're starting to suppress emotions completely that's a different story.