To resent that my husbands macho-ness is rubbing on to my sons

[ThrowWyNov24]

So, 10 years ago I (then 37) met a guy on holiday in the Middle East on a business trip. He was a manager at one of the airlines, a bit younger than me. I had issues with luggage and was at my wits' end with the bureaucracy, and let's just say he helped me out, and we stayed in touch.
Three years later, he moved to England for work, and we started talking. Talking led to coffee, coffee led to meals, and before long, we were an item. He proposed three months later, and we married, despite some concerns from his family.
His mother is Christian, his father Muslim, and he takes after his dad, though in a more relaxed way... Anyway, moving on to the present. I have two 14-year-old twin sons from a previous marriage to a shitty ex who is now out of our lives. My sons really look up to my husband, and he is very close to them. They go cycling every Saturday morning, he takes them swimming twice a week, and we also do a lot of family outings together.
However, I'm starting to feel like his way of encouraging them to be 'men' is rubbing off in ways I’m not sure I’m comfortable with. He often tells them to "fight back," "be a man," or to toughen up. He’s not abusive or anything like that, but his approach is very focused on masculinity—especially when it comes to discipline, schoolwork, and things like cleaning up.
It works in the sense that they’re motivated to get things done and they’re thriving in all sorts of ways , but the whole 'toughen up' and ‘man up’ attitude feels a bit outdated, and it clashes with my own very North London lefty liberal feminist worldview. And it’s changing them too as they seem I don’t know… just different from their cousins etc.
I don’t mean to undermine him or all but I would really appreciate your thoughts?

I don’t mean to undermine him or all but I would really appreciate your thoughts?

What do you mean, you don’t mean to undermine him? He is not your children’s parent. He is your husband. You are their mother. If you feel that he is poisoning them with toxic masculinity then you have a responsibility as a woman and their mother to put a stop to it. This means telling your husband that he is not to say things like ‘toughen up’ or ‘fight back’. And correcting the damage already done to your teens at a time when they are very vulnerable to toxic male influences like Andrew Tate et al. Children should not be told to toughen up and fight back!!

It’s fine if he’s asking them to be resilient.

It is less fine if he’s saying: “boys do X” and implying that girls don’t. Or suggesting that housework is the domain of women. I would very very quickly put an end to that. I wouldn’t for a second worry about undermining him- no son of mine (and I have two) is growing up thinking that housework is not his responsibility. I would absolutely call him out on that.

If he’s inculcating work ethic and discipline, good for him. As long as he’s not suggesting to them regularly that they are superior to women, by virtue of having a penis, discipline per se is not a bad thing.

I would also worry that his approach to masculinity is about appearances- appearing tough (as opposed to being tough and having resilience) which in the long run will be counter productive. The most resilient people I know have the ability to manage their emotions and disappointment in a healthy way.

Is he the only male influence in their lives? Do they see their uncles very often? In what ways are they different from their cousins?

I think it's tough. The rules for boys and men are different in society and unfortunately being overly nice and passive isn't going to help them in a lot of situations, whereas standing up for themselves etc will.

It's also difficult to know if he is going too far purely off what you've just said.

It's triply difficult because they're more likely to listen to other men unfortunately.

I can't see the problem. Your'll have to give examples.

Agree but also bring nice and passive as a woman doesn’t do you any favours either.

Regardless of sex it is important to have resilience and to know to speak up when required.

Honestly OP, I was a single parent to boys who had very little male influence (absent father, grandfathers dead and no uncles). They really struggled with their male identity and it caused a lot of problems (I know this from discussions we've had since - they are ok now but the teenage years were very difficult). Your DH sounds like a positive influence (combined with the influence you will also be having but may be less obvious to you). As long as he's not misogynistic or bullying I'd be leaving him to it - boys are really not the same as girls.

You thought highly enough of this man to marry him so I don't really understand why you have this issue.
If you're against this much masculinity then why did you choose this man to marry and how would you like your sins to be?

Do you mean that he’s encouraging them to think discipline, schoolwork and clearing up are masculine? - in which case - good on him.

He sounds great with them and like you’ve all fallen on their feet. He’s super involved. While a lot of teenage boys are spending all hours online he’s taking them out 3 x a week to do sports - so much more productive and better for their health.

Personally, I think fight back, toughen up are lessons women should learn too.

Though this vote said you were being unreasonable, I don't think many Mumsnetters are aware of the religious aspect. If we were just thinking about your average British couple, same religion for generations if practicing at all then our advice would probably be valid but in your case that's quite different. Your husband comes from a cullture where a father/brother/husband's word is the law under his roof. He is bringing his sons up the way he was raised and if you object, I don't think he will take it nicely. Making a big fuss would probably be disastrous and cause a rift which nobody wants. If you can tell him you'd rather he didn't mould the boys into macho men, he might understand that aspect??

Well, tbf being taught to fight back is probably less likely to see them being bullied than being a lefty liberal feminist lol.