To question how other parents make it look

[Saveme100]

So easy. My almost 7 year old son is hard work. I am seriously thinking he may had adhd but the school said he's too reserved at school for it. He's a good kid. Full of character. Very affectionate. But he is impossible on days out. Or out shopping. Everything's a headache with him. It's like his ears stop working. He can't keep still. He can't concentrate. He's annoying. To the point I just can't be bothered planning much with him and my 9 year-old because I know how he will be.

Today was straight forward. I was popping in a couple of places and we picked up decorations for the tree. All day (understandably) it's been can we do the tree. Can we. Can we. I bought a game for us to play first. He would not listen how to play. Which resulted in all of us bored and fed up. 9 year-old wanted to get stuck in but he kept spoiling it.
I want to do the tree. But it's touch touch touch and I'm abit rubbish with lights etc and can see it being fiddly and him being dead impatient.

I tried hard to plan this weekend so they'd both be happy and have fun. But they are both currently sad and sulking because I need to sort stuff and have some calm before I will even entertain the tree.

Why is parenting so stressful when it should be nice.

I agree. We’ve just been out to chose a tree and it was a fucking disaster. I honestly don’t know why we bother spending money or trying to do nice things. Same with the Xmas market earlier in the week.

We don’t do too much, carefully plan days around rests/ snacks/ all of their needs so they aren’t hungry/ tired/ cold. The children are easier and happier plonked in front of a tv all weekend. I feel such a failure. I honestly hate family time.

I am trying so hard to raise balanced kids. I dont spoil them but I try give them more than I did. I just want them to be happy. Not hyped up. Just happy. I hate taking them both into shops. My 9 year-old has her moments but my son is often just ruining everything for her. It's not fair.

He sounds like my youngest.

People make it look easy by not having kids like them. I made shit look soooooo easy with DS1&2. Not because I was a better parent, just because they are laid back, happy lads.

My only advice would be lower the expectations, DS3 can't manage a shop without me being close to tears. He wouldn't manage a sequence of events like that. Wouldn't manage a game before the tree. Maybe a game sat under the tree afterwards but definitely not before.

It's hard for the whole family, everyone gets frustrated / upset, he ends up beating himself up and we all feel awful.

I'm sorry it's hard, I hope you all find a groove that you can feel comfortable in.

I feel the same. It's so hard.

I just feel so drained. A day of simple tasks can end up with everyone in tears.

The constant "can I have, can I have" is relentless.

We are going to see Santa tonight. The 8 year old is excited but totally grilling me, trying to "catch me out" that he isn't real.

I suspect ht knows he isn't real but is kind of half clinging to a hope that he is.

In which case....pleaeeeease stop grilling me. You want to believe, i want you to believe, I've said he's real so now just please fucking drop it.

The Santa we go to is in a garden centre and they sell the kids favourite cakes. So they will get a cake. They will probably also get a chocolate from Santa.

We were in Aldi this morning and they were both crying for sweets. Just stopppppp, please! They are getting sweets tonight, but it's like nothing is ever enough for them, they just want more more more.

They are lovely kids, honestly. But oh my god they are exhausting.

Don't give him the option and then take it back? Make it clear from the beginning that he can help hand decorations on it, but you're going to set it up and do the fiddly bits- make it clear it's boring. Or only take him decoration shopping when you've already done the tree- when he's asleep or at school for example. Then he doesn't have to wait around for you to be bothered to do it

You've basically waggled the carrot under his nose and then taken it away. Be firm and explain your reasoning, don't mess him about poor kid!

They are a very entitled generation in general I think. I dont blame them to a degree. They see so much more in terms of social media and tele. You tube etc. They are taught to over consume. Our brains as children didn't get the exposure. I can only presume that's where the entitled behaviour comes from in modern day kids. I dont recall my parents ever doing stuff for me. Like planning a day for me. It was very much walking around fish farms and garden centers and behaving. We didn't even go in cafes as my parents weren't like that. I'm 36 so not that old. But I often feel baffled as I've always put the boundaries in place.

Its just not fun is it. You do things to bring them joy. I find the age gap with mine almost 3 years is really obvious at the moment.

I hope santa goes well and the kids behave for you. X

Ahh yes. Good advice. Make sure I do everything his way and set him up to think in life everything is waiting for him there and then.

I 'make it look easy' ~ because I got luck of the draw and, at this stage, I have a very laid back, well behaved child - so it IS easy. I can tell you now, it's not my parenting, and it's not my genes - I always feel like a fraud when someone compliments my parenting or his behaviour, because it's not me 😂

If it was more challenging, I'd be tearing my hair out. I already struggle when DS has more boisterous friends over for a play date! I have upmost respect for parents I see out and juggling multiple kids who are energetic/dashing around, because in that situation Im not sure I'd actually take them out for many fun things at all!

I am beginning to loathe winter family time. My 3 bicker and argue over the teeniest non thing, or else they decide to "play" but it's ends up with wild screaming and running around the house (but take them to the the fucking park and they have to be actively forced to go and run around!). It's a constant barrage of them wanting something from me. They cannot go 5 minutes without some kind of intervention being needed. They make a mess, they complain of being bored.

I made the mistake of letting the older two play Fifa earlier. 10 minutes they argued and shouted and they were on the same fucking team. So the console is banned.

Thankfully 2 out of 3 of them are going to a party soon and I'm going to sit and drink tea whilst they are someone else's problem for an hour or so (it's an activity party so I know I'm going to get an hour!!)

Mine are better out of the house but they are too young to do anything by themselves so anything we do out of the house involves me. DP works most weekends and I'm quite jealous.

Makes me want to bin the tree and decorations which I've dragged down from the loft to put up tomorrow.

Edited to add mine is definitely a numbers game. Individually they are delightful. Even taking one out of the mix (and it doesn't matter which child it is!!) makes life a lot easier.

Haha yeah I understand my daughter is adapabtable and well behaved in shops. She's always been a joy to walk with. She will walk miles. She doesn't moan. My son hates walking too. I have 2 very different kids.

I hear you OP. Our youngest is now diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. Yesterday, she was poorly at home and talked at me for 4 hours without stopping between 4pm and 8pm.She followed me around the house doing it. 🤯

At 7, unmedicated she was exactly as you describe with your son. We gave up on most days out (unless very active/climbing trees) and I learned never to take her shopping (she used to run across roads with no warning) or on errands. Baking/cooking at home ended in the kitchen being destroyed. We don’t play board games unless they are very simple as instructions get ignored. It just gets too stressful.

My advice would be work out what works for you and stick to it. If you seriously think your DS is neurodiverse, pursue this with GP.

@WasThatACorner so what did you do with DC3? Did it ever get to a point where it was enjoyable and night just a fight all the time?

I am suspecting PDA in mine but she is only 4. She’s not “just a 4 yo” tho. She is just so difficult every day life is miserable and we/ she can barely function.

before anyone asks , yes I’ve read “how to talk so little kids will listen”.

i think that’s the other thing isn’t it, when you moan about, everyone just says really stupid basic shit like “have you tried offering choices?” Like yes fuck off NOTHING WORKS.

Yes mine are the same. 9 year-old want sher girly older time. She likes reading etc. She will still have her crazy days with him. In the summer they are outside and will find something to do together. But yes it's shouting and arguing here too or hyperactive play. Yep trips to the park. Get my arse on the bench and they come over for a packet of crisps or to sit. Or moan. Or they need a poo or a drink lol.

In My head it's going to be lovely.

Enjoy the peace and tea. I work weekends twice a month. I was so looking forward to my weekend off. But I actually wish I was working right now.

My kids were always pretty easy, they are teens now and still are. Ds is autistic but has always been quiet and follows the rules. Dd has always been a very easy going happy kid.

I'm laid back too though so if the kids wanted to do the tree we would just do the tree. A 'nice weekend' is doing was doing what the kids wanted to do not doing things for the sake of them because they should be fun if you know what I mean? Our home was always very child led so if they wanted to play games we would but if they'd rather put up the tree than what is the point in forcing people to play games and do other stuff first? You can't force people to have fun or enjoy certain activities.

The school really didn't agree with me. They say at school he's quite reserved and shy. At home he's like an angry t rex or a clown on steroids. With a very rare chilled day.

Honestly how does it feel medicating her? I feel almost guilty. Are there side affects? I feel I need to look into it though as I feel there's no signs of it getting easier.

If we go to a farm or the seaside its the same. Its exhausting. He may fixate on wanting an ice cream and that's it then. He can't hear anything else. If I say later. Or we will do this first. He just gets stressed. Then if I eventually tell him off he goes into a flap of trying to say sorry but he's still shouting and anxiously trying to get me to agree XYZ is still allowed to happen.

My DC are grown up now but I had 2 DC who were ADHD. We waited until they were in bed on a Saturday then DH went and got a tree from homebase, and put the lights on it and then they could decorate it the next morning. When they went to bed Sunday night we'd reshuffle it a bit if necessary so it was balanced and not all baubles of the same colour in one area. I found it was just too hard taking them both to get a tree. I used to worry they'd grab at and break the baubles in the shop.

you are his parent - you know him best and lots of kids mask effectively at school.

do I feel guilty about medication? 1000% no. My daughter is succeeding in school. She feels
understood and supported. She has friends. She has been able to achieve a black belt on martial arts. Her self esteem as a result has rocketed and she has a level of self awareness from the diagnostic process that helps her understand herself. The medication allows her brain to regulate itself. I would no more deny her that than deny a diabetic child insulin.

it’s a journey to explore and understand a neurodiverse brain. My daughter is intelligent, clever, funny and affectionate with or without medication.

I remember a mum at school with twin boys in my son's class. They were a nightmare. If there was trouble either one or the other or both were behind it. When they came to our house for a birthday party with an entertainer even he had to tell them off. I overheard her talking in the playground. She was a lovely woman and I always thought maybe overwhelmed, but she said: 'I have two other kids who are perfectly well behaved. It's not me.'
And she's right - of course lax parenting can lead to a wayward kid but often it's how they are wired. Raise three kids the exact same way and you will not have three identical kids.
You just try your best, however disheartening it can be.
And you must know that the lucky family with well behaved children at some restaurant may well be in total chaos when it comes to bed time.
I must say it's only when I became a parent at the age of 41 that I finally appreciated what my mother must have gone through. She worked too. But three of us, the cloth nappies, no washing machine or dishwasher! No online grocery deliveries (even for me I can't believe the amount of wasted hours trudging around the supermarket with two alternatively cranky or overexcited kids). It must have been so much drudgery

We're suspecting PDA as well, waiting for the formal assessment.

Life is better than it was but it was definitely us that made the changes. We homeschool because he wasn't coping, solid routine, involve him in planning things even if it's to choose from 2 options that we have pre-approved.

We just had to accept that he works the way he works and go with that. Life is much better now but there are still moments when I just feel battered by all of it.

Was all this in one day? If so I feel like you're expecting too much and making things overly difficult.

Your childs only 7 and wants to do the xmas tree but you have messages to do and shops to go to and then wsnt to play a new board game that you need to explain. Meanwhile, he is expected to keep all the excitement in, sit still, concentrate and listen. It's too much, I'm getting tired just listening to all of that, most of it does sound so boring.

Boys just are not wired that way and although its generalizing there is a difference between boys and girls. Theres a difference between all children but I've found the more relaxed the parents, the more relaxed the child.

Essentially you do need to make allowances and work round him a bit more, hes 7. Pick your battles.

He was thinking about doing the tree and wanted to do the tree and then you got the game out to play and expected him to concentrate on it. He is 6yrs old and he probably isn’t developmentally at the stage where he can concentrate on one activity while he is excited about something else. It is a bit like expecting a baby to start walking before they are ready. They do it when they reach that stage and that stage varies from baby to baby. A lot of children get overstimulated on trips out unless it is the same formula each time. Routine is the key to a peaceful life.

Hm nope just treat him like the 6 year old he is and understand he doesn't have the self control of an adult and he's allowed to be excited about something exciting to him that you can't be arsed to do!

Do some research into the developmental stages of children and work out what your child needs from you

Yeah I think you're expecting way too much of him. Was the 9yo easy at the same age in comparison? I think that's your problem. If you'd have had the other one first you'd realise what a lucky aberration your 9yo was!

It sounds very boring to be honest. At 7 he should be off running around the playground and climbing trees, scooting around daily. Not sitting trying to play a board game and having to hold in his excitement to do the tree..!!!

Lesson learned for next year. If you're doing the tree you have to do it first thing of the day, they're not going to want to sit nicely and play a game first. We have an artificial tree, I get it out the night before and fluff up the branches in my own good time ready for chaos the next day. Also why put the tree up so soon? I know so many people opt for Dec 1st these days but way to much pressure. Also kids can't also be happy all the time, we all have sulky can't be arsed days kids included

Young children live in the moment. I think you very rarely have perfect days with them as they can't carry over all the nice things you do earlier in the day to later in the day - they're not wired like that. So instead of perfect days, I find it more helpful to think in terms of good moments. And quite often the whining or the tantrums come after we've made a big effort for them to do something special or it's been a big occasion like a birthday or Christmas, because not only can the big fun events be stressful because they're out of routine, but transitioning back to the everyday monotony from them is quite stressful too.

I think you were onto a losing wicket expecting an excited child to settle down to something requiring concentration like a board game. If you really needed a breather, you might have done better to stick the TV on.