Struggling with my wife’s past infidelity – don’t know how to cope

[TheLivelyBlueDreamer]

Hi everyone,

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m a 61-year-old man living with ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis), which has made life incredibly difficult over the years. On top of the constant exhaustion, brain fog, and physical limitations, I’ve now found myself grappling with something I never thought I’d have to deal with: betrayal.

I recently found out that my wife, who is now 59, had an affair back in 2014. She met this man – no, boy – online when he was just 16. They struck up some kind of connection over three years, and then, when he turned 19, they met and slept together. The age difference is staggering. At the time, she would’ve been 49. Nearly 30 years older than him.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I keep asking myself: Why? Why would a woman in her late 40s, someone I’ve loved and trusted for decades, go out and do something like that? Was it the thrill? Some sort of midlife crisis? Did I stop being enough for her?

The worst part is how she handled it afterward. From what I’ve pieced together, after they slept together, she completely ignored him. She just dropped him like he didn’t matter. That coldness has really shaken me because it’s a side of her I didn’t think existed. How could someone I thought I knew so well be capable of something like this?

I can’t stop picturing her with him – some young guy, barely more than a boy, with his whole life ahead of him. And here I am, struggling to get through the day because my illness leaves me drained of everything – energy, joy, hope. Maybe that’s what pushed her away. I’ve always feared I was a burden to her because of my health. Maybe I was right.

She says it’s in the past and that she loves me. But how can I trust that? If she could hide this from me for so long, what else don’t I know? And how do I stop these feelings of inadequacy, anger, and humiliation from eating me alive?

I want to forgive her. I really do. But I feel like a shell of myself – physically, emotionally, mentally. I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough, like I’ll never be enough.

Have any of you been through something similar? How do you move forward? How do you look at someone you thought you knew, someone you built your life with, and not see them in a completely different light?

Sorry if this is rambling. I’m just lost. Any advice would mean the world right now.

Thank you,
Iain

That’s a brutal set of revelations, understandably you feel betrayed and don’t recognise her behaviour
What do you want? Going forward how will you manage the anger,doubts as it’s impacting the here and now. Her past actions are impacting you adversely now

Couple therapy?individual therapy? Do you want to undertake this

I still love her, but she did groom a 16 year old. She bought him video games, clothes etc. Its really taken its toll on me, I'd like her to get therapy if she needs it.

Crikey, like you say, she groomed that boy. She didn't break the law but I would be really uncomfortable with knowing that about her. Not sure what my advice would be but I don't think I could look at my husband in the same way if he talked to a 16 year old, buying her gifts etc and then ultimately slept with her. I'm so sorry she has done this :(

When I confronted her, she said he made her feel lovely, beautiful wanted, everything I used to make her feel. 35 years of marriage next year too. Two kids.

Agreed it’s inappropriate and grooming
Shes response for her behaviour, not you. She sought out the young man that’s wholly her
If you cannot get past her behaviour you’ll need to decide realistically can you remain together

Well she slapped me when I called her a peadophile in the heat of the moment. We probably can't, but the kids don't know about it, while they're grown now, it'll be a hard thing for them to understand.

She hit you. You’re in mental turmoil, and can’t see a way to live with her behaviour. Frankly it’s over
You will be obviously asked for a reason, I wouldn’t lie for her or facilitate her lies
If it comes out what she’s done that’s on her, not you

Her cheating ten years ago is maybe something you could move on from. But to groom a teenager, that's something else. I could not and would not forgive this.

She'll know why. She blamed him a lot too. Still does.

She blamed him for being groomed?

For being clingy. Kept telling him, she isn't his girlfriend, that she's married etc. Its why he messaged me. He couldn't handle it any longer.

I can't offer much advice but please do not let her shirk the responsibility that lies solely on her head here. If that young man was my son your wife would be feeling my wrath in a way she could never imagine possible 😡 she doesn't need therapy she needs locking up. She groomed a child. She's a paedophile and she hit you for pointing that out because she knows it's true

Yeah. I did think she may have been. She said one of my daughters friends was "beautiful" in his primary school picture. I brushed it off as maternal but now, I think Eurgh.

I’d be offsky in your situation. She’s predatory
You deserve happiness with non predatory partner who doesn’t abuse you
Time to protect yourself

Thank you. I'm going to get to work on it.

Thank you. I'm going to get to work on it.

Don’t tell her in advance. Gather all paperwork,see a solicitor. Get this thread deleted
Report any DV to police get a CAD number
Report to MN ask it deleted to protect your privacy

I will. Good idea actually.

Delete your browser history too
and best wishes

Christ Almighty what a sick and nasty fucker she is.

Get her out of your life OP - and don't hesitate to tell anyone who knows you exactly why.

She deserves all kinds of shit thrown her way.

I will. She puts on the nice nicey scottish wife act, But she's a nasty so and so.

Cheating is one thing and many do get past that (not sure I could but to each their own)

what I could not ever forgive is the grooming of a child.

your wife should be reported to the police and let them deal with her. Then divorce her.

Unforgivable.

I cried when he showed me the screenshots of the messages, There could be a way I could report her, I just looked through them, She did send him photos. And not clothed ones. When they first met, so he was only sixteen.

This is a duplicate thread - we're closing it and direct you to this one instead: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5220902-struggling-with-my-wifes-past-infidelity-dont-know-how-to-cope