To not be interested in pursuing counselling

[rainonthefield]

This is specific to me and I’m not saying for a moment I think this applies to everyone; obviously some people find it very helpful. But a friend suggested counselling for some marriage problems I’ve had recently and when I said it wasn’t really for me / us she seemed really shocked and to be honest a bit angry.

(it wasn’t the case that I’d been confusing in her and she was a bit fed up of hearing it, I just had to mention it briefly because I hadn’t been able to go to a previous event because of it.)

So I was wondering if anyone else felt like me or if my view is perceived as ‘wrong’?

I'm with you OP. My ex husband wanted us to go for counselling, I couldn't see the point. I was done, I wanted out, nothing was going to change my mind and the only thing that counselling would have done is potentially hurt him more.

It's just not something I see value in.

Well I guess your friend thought that counselling might help you both to move forward in some way. Do you want to work through your problem and stay in your marriage, or do you want the marriage to end? Either one requires a big change, and that's not always easy to achieve on your own, or in a relationship

I’m not doubting her good intentions, just that she seemed so shocked and a bit annoyed when I said it wasn’t for me that it made me wonder if most people see it as something that will help, not might (or might not.)

Counselling is like snake oil. Anyone can say they are a counsellor and sell it to you. If your marriage is over - no amount of “counselling” is going to fix it. Don’t waste your time and money.

Were you using your friend s a sounding board about the problems in your marriage?

Could her annoyance over the rejection of her suggestion have been because she would prefer you take your marriage issues to a counsellor rather than have it taint your friendship?

I'd suggest personal counselling rather than relationship counselling.

I do explain in my OP that this wasn’t what wa happening (I was desperately trying to change the subject in fact; I really don’t want to talk about it at all!)

I don’t want either.

It seems a bit daft to me to dismiss something you know nothing about, but you do you, obviously. A friend and his wife saw a couples therapist when it was pretty clear they were at or close to the end of their marriage, and I think found it very helpful as a way of seeing it was definitely over and moving civilly towards separation and divorce.

I had counselling before and didn’t find it helpful. I think it is just not for everybody. It’s also very expensive and it takes time and since lack of both are one of my main sources of stress at the moment it seems silly to add to this!

I wonder if this is a case of a person who gets arsey when you don't take their advice. Some people take it more personally than others I think.

I think when you've had counselling (I would always say with a qualified psychotherapist) and found it really helpful, it is something that you naturally suggest for other people.

There are a couple of people in my life who I just wish would go to therapy because I can see that they're stuck in the same patterns and difficult ways of thinking and I really do feel it would help them. I also find their reluctance to go a form of arrogance in some ways - as in, there is a whole industry out of this, so many people say it helps them, why do you think your problems and your brain is so unique that you wouldn't benefit.

But, ultimately I have to accept their choice - it's their life to deal with as they see fit and perhaps a form of arrogance on my part to assume I know what is best for them. So in my opinion YANBU (but as a caring stranger I would gently encourage you to really think about it).

It’s not for everyone. I’ve tried in numerous times over the years (not for relationship issues) fully engaged with the process and ultimately found it useless. But then some people find it invaluable so…

I think I see it differently. I think seeing it as arrogance is in itself a form of arrogance - you think you know so much better. Different things help different people but there is a definite refusal with some people to accept that counselling might just not be for everybody.

I've lived through a separation and divorce, well before counselling was standard. The both of us as adults were able to come to a civil agreement. I'd expect I could do the same now should I need to, without counselling.

Then add that in toxic relationships counselling is not recommended, and I'm unsure why in such an unregulated area we are pushing couples and singles to counselling, it smacks of paying someone to be your freind and tell you the hard truths.

I should have counselling for current issues but they're not really my issues and I cba to pay loads of cash to sort out other people's stuff that just happens to be impacting me.

You do you.

YANBU. Its over prescribed IMO. It only works for people comfortable with the idea opening up and who want to engage with it. It's always recommended on here, but it's not the only solution to interpersonal difficulties.

No good relationships counsellor would accept a couple with an abusive dynamic. Bully for you that you were able to deal with the end of your marriage civilly. Not everyone can.

It's not for everyone and the time isn't always right for people. I was a therapist way back.

Yes, I get that.

I suppose I'm coming at it through my own perspective of having been reluctant to engage with therapy (problems weren't bad enough, wasn't for me) and then finding it life changing and wishing I'd done it years sooner.

I guess I'm also talking more about individual counselling than relationship counselling, which is a completely different beast. But again, I'm grateful that I did couples counselling through the end of my relationship - I felt like it really set the tone for a mature and kind separation. I'm really proud of the way we both handled such an awful period and I attribute that in large part to therapy (but then again, maybe we would have done well without it as the intentions were there).

I come back to it's your life so you know best (but golly as a believer it is hard not to push it! Maybe this is how pushy religious people feel!). Sorry to hear you're having relationship troubles and wishing you all the best in resolving them however you find best.

I think I do see it a bit like that. It’s like a cult and if you believe you push it. But I don’t want it pushed!

It's your choice to make and not her place to suggest it.

You obviously have strong feelings about it. It's not like a cult though. By saying that it seems to me you don't actually believe it helps anyone. It does help people.

I know it helps people. The cult comment wasn’t relating to people who go to counselling and find it helpful and move on, it’s people who refuse to accept it isn’t for everybody and keep pushing it. As it says above I come back to it's your life so you know best (but golly as a believer it is hard not to push it! Maybe this is how pushy religious people feel!)

I can totally understand not wanting relationship counseling and particularly if you aren’t committed to staying in the marriage.

Being dogmatically opposed to it under any circumstances seems a bit intransigent and silly though. You can’t know if it’s going to benefit you until you try: why wouldn’t you give yourself that chance?