To be unsure how to manage situations like this

[makeamincepie]

Yesterday DS was at a light show and he had a glow stick he was waving around and nearly knocked an elderly lady over as he knocked into her walking stick.

A lot of the time he seems oblivious to other people and while he doesn’t shove or push intentionally he has hurt others before just by not ‘seeing’ them.

I am just wondering what to do.

Three?!

If you said he was twelve, I would be concerned.

He's three! Keep showing him what's right and what's wrong and how you expect him to behave. That's your job.

Make your apologies to the adults concerned if he can't. Model good behaviour.

He does apologise Herc. But in those sort of situations where he’s knocked or bumped someone by accident and they get upset (another child usually) he also gets upset. So for example a couple of weeks ago he knocked another younger child over, complete accident, he didn’t do anything wrong but obviously the other child was upset. He just started crying when I tried to get him to say sorry. Or at home if that happens with one of his sisters he hides so I think he does feel remorseful but hasn’t quite got the social niceties yet. I actually mentioned it to the HV as she came to do his school readiness check and she said it was best to encourage but not force.

Jus to add, my son has autism and does this. I find it very frustrating but know he can't help it. We will be walking in a shopping centre for example and he will just walk into people or not move aside for people. So I have to hold his hand and manoeuvre him around when we are out. I'm constantly saying , watch out, to him or saying a quick sorry to someone that he has bumped into.

I’m so confused why this is such a huge deal, it’s literally the most normal thing children do. In fact it’s a normal thing all people do, we’re just a bit more mindful of our own being when we’re an adult.
Knocking a child over by accident and then getting upset and not wanting to apologise is normal. They are tiny humans with a lot of things going on in their brain.
Surely this is something every parent deals with day to day, and you just keep reinforcing and modelling the correct behaviour. Over and over again.
Some of the responses here are so OTT.

Do you mean that I’m making it a huge deal?

Why is asking a question on here a ‘huge deal’?

Kindly OP, you can't determine whether you child will or won't be polite at age 3-4. Far too young to be expecting consistent manners at that age, and they will be tunnel vision focused on their immediate surroundings - because that's what they do at that age.

All you can do is model good behaviour, pre-empt situations that may cause issues as much as possible and if he isn't able to apologise all the time (and at his age it wouldn't be expected) then you as the adult do the apology and move on.

People are entitled to expect that parents will keep an eye out and do what they reasonably can when out in public, but they also can't expect small children to be perfectly behaved 24/7.

If he won't apologise himself then I would model it by having him stand with you whilst you calmly and politely apologise on his behalf.

It does sound like you were in a tricky situation if it was dark and crowded with lots of different people moving about.

To me this is a non event. He got excited, it was accidental. Really you should have been managing his space better. Nice if he apologise but not something to force in that situation. You needed to apologise on his behalf and watch him more carefully.

With regards to apologising I'd keep working on it and role modelling the behaviour. Often apology can be an angry thing when they are in trouble which can cause resentment. Try to make apologising a positive part of making amends

Did you apologise to the elderly lady? Do you always apologise when he does these things? And do you then remove him from the situation/place and talk about things when you’re no longer ‘in the moment’?

That would be my approach.

What sort of glow stick?

If you're talking about the ones that are about 6" long and just waving that, I'd have told him to keep it down, or moved him to somewhere with more space. It's an accident and he can enjoy doing it, but give him space to do it.

If you're talking about the 12" ones, or swinging a 6" round on the string then I'd have stopped him doing it before he'd got to the stage of hitting someone (hopefully, obviously if he just did it, you may not have had time to react).

At that age you have to do the hazard perception for them, and tell them that their behaviour is potentially a problem. That's how they learn.

In either case, you apologise to the lady, and stop him doing it, or move him to somewhere where he won't hurt someone.

No but don't give him something to wave around when in a crowded place!

It sounds like this was some sort of mini rave thing where waving around glowsticks in the dark is the whole point to be fair.

Wasn't it just an Xmas light trail where there was a stall of light up toys?

And has a parent who isn’t parenting him!

something else that isn’t autism!!!
drives me mad on here!

Ti's is clearly something that is playing on your mind and that's fair enough.

I thinkost people are just trying to reassure you that this is completely normal at his age - 3 going on 4.

You just need to remember that, when babies are born, they know nothing beyond their basic survival instincts. Everything else, they have to be taught.

Think about just how much he has learnt since ehe was born. Blimey, when he was norn, he didn't even know he was a separate being from you. Or that he had limbs or even a body of his own. They learn so much in the first 5 years of life. More than they will ever learn in any other time in their life.

People have reassured you that it is normal and you've had some really good advice on how to develop his understanding and awareness of himself and his environment, along with explanations of parenting approaches.

But, rather than being reassured, you're picking and sniping at people because you don't like a particular turn of phrase they've used or their choice of words.

At that age it’s 100% on you. Not just because he might bash someone, because he could pet a dog, fall face down into a puddle, pick up and eat something random, rush into traffic etc.
He’ll become more aware but he’s not yet.

The not forcing an apology thing is more about not forcing them to do it when they are angry or dysreguated and waiting until they are calmer and have had chance to reflect.

That's the difference between them understanding and meaning the apology and them doing it because they've been forced which is pointless.

Also making sure that they have a safe space to admit mistakes and be guided rather than be/feel shamed and humiliated for it.

If you're in a busy crowded place (that isn't a specific child activity like a soft play) a 3 year old shouldn't be more than arms length away from you, and you should always be watching them.