To be unsure how to manage situations like this

[makeamincepie]

Yesterday DS was at a light show and he had a glow stick he was waving around and nearly knocked an elderly lady over as he knocked into her walking stick.

A lot of the time he seems oblivious to other people and while he doesn’t shove or push intentionally he has hurt others before just by not ‘seeing’ them.

I am just wondering what to do.

@Brightredtulips i do realise that but honestly what do I do, avoid crowded, noisy places because there might be an elderly person there with difficulty walking?

@Brightredtulips PTSD is really hard to manage. I hope you are ok. I have found EMDR to be really good.

Tbh, in a busy, noisy, crowded place I would t have given my dc glowsticks - the light show is enough.

it is up to you to keep on top of your dc’s behaviours (and I say this as parent to 3 autistic dc), and if you know your dc can be a bit unaware of surroundings then you minimise potential problems. This could be visiting at quieter times, or making sure you are a little aside from the main crowd, etc.

Bumping into people at softplay is to be expected.

At other places that are busy and crowded, it is your responsibility to keep them close by - usually by holding their hand. Presumably it was dark ig you were at a light show and he had a glow stick? He should be close by your side at all times then. Especially in a busy place. That is your responsibility, not his.

So, you get his attention beforehand and explain your expectations to him. You explain to him that it can hurt people if he bumps into them. Most children don't want to hurt other people instinctively. You explain to him that, if he bumps into someone, he has to say, "I'm sorry,' and explain to him what that means; why people say it.

You explain the consequence to not meeting your expectations. Eg, if he runs around and bumps into someone and doesn't say sorry, then you will take him somewhere to sit and calm down or go home. And you stick to it.

You don't use a place being busy as a reason for not doing so.

thanks for that, the lady seemed really annoyed and gave me a filthy look which made me feel awful!

Yes, she gave you a 'filthy look' because, at that age, his behaviour is your responsibility. She understood that he is a very young child which is why she did not give him a 'filthy look'.

At that age you need to be supervising and giving a bit of a running commentary, mind the dog poo, look out for the lady with the walking stick etc etc. they need to be listening to you as well, no free ranging if they won't listen.
Agree with PP, you do the apologising to the victim and sanction the child appropriately with removal of "weapon"

Don't give him things that he can hit other people with in crowded places ? Try staying by the edges or the back so it's less crowded ? Try talking to him before you go in and remove him if he becomes too rough?

4 can also be nearly 5, in which case there would be very different expectations. I stated it more for clarity around developmental expectations than because I thought you didn't know!

Running over a child in a toy car is probably something he should have realised was going to hurt but the other two things are completely within normal parameters for his age. He's still learning about the world, other people in it, and his impact on it.

If you want ideas on how you can develop his awareness, look up proprioception which is, essentially, development of the awareness of yourself as a physical being in the world. There might be some tips.

This is a combination of him developing an awareness and you parenting him appropriately.

But, yes, it's completely normal for his age.

I would be holding close hands with a three year old out somewhere at night waving a light stick around, even if he didn’t typically bumps into people without saying sorry!

I’d have his eyesight checked as well!

There are appropriate places to play and run around... a noisy, crowded, dark place probably isn't one of them!! You have to decide what toys and what amount of control (hold hands or run about) is appropriate to each situation you put him in and teach him!

I think be careful with anything extra and unnecessary like glowsticks. Just don't buy/take them.

And yes those of us with easily overexcited children do avoid busy, crowded places where possible - makes sense right?!

Planning ahead is definitely your friend here. And the odd white lie. "Oh dear, I forgot my purse."

It was an accident and no-one died

You just need to work out a few rules OP to help in the situations where he has accidents like this. Eg….

No running in crowded places.
No running indoors.
No rough movements at soft ply. Be kind to smaller children and look out for them.
You must hold mummy’s hand in crowded places.
No carrying sticks or dangerous items when other people are around. No running with sticks or dangerous objects.
You must look where you are going when out and about.
Give a wide berth to elderly people when you pass.
We always apologise if we cause an accident. Mummy will help you to do that.
No driving the toy car if other children are milling around.
We never hurt other people and must very hard not to hurt others by accident.

Talk to him about these situations in a calm and friendly way where he knows you two are a team together. Then gradually teach him responsibility for his own body, actions and movements. Little sport classes can help children learn self control and help them finesse their movements. Or you can go to the playground whenever you can to help him explore his movements, increase his large motor skills and learn balance.

Next time you go to soft play, pull him close to you and point out the risky areas where he could get into trouble. Talk him through what he should and shouldn’t do ..eg no going down the slide unless the previous child is well clear.

Similarly next time you go to the busy shopping mall, pull him to one side and point out the risky areas where he needs to be especially careful of what he is doing.eg look at the elderly person over there, she is frail and trying not to fall over so that’s why she is using a stick to help her - be very careful when you walk past her and look where you are going.

Teach him how to steer his car or bike or scooter away from other children and never ever towards them…only towards an empty space. Be aware that some children can’t pedal AND look where they are going at first so it’s your job to give guided practise until that skill is developed fully.

A three and four year old needs specific lessons to pin point these dangers and you have to repeat and repeat until they understand your point and can repeat it back to you with full understanding. Until then, they can’t be responsible for themselves and you have to be responsible for them.

If he doesn't apologise, the natural consequence is the glow stick goes away because he's not playing nicely with it. He's old enough to say sorry and to understand we acknowledge when we may have hurt someone else, even if it was an accident.

I’ll be brutally honest. You sound like a lazy parent You can’t possibly do anything about your son hitting someone with a stick because it’s noisy, dark and crowded? Then don’t give him a stick. He does this that and the other but refuses to apologise. Then don’t let him do those things until he learns. It’s not rocket science.

Any chance he might need glasses OP?

What do you do? You parent your child.

hold his hand in busy places so he can’t go bumping into people. For unwanted behaviour he has consequences (like the refusing to apologise) for example, removing the glow stick.

There wouldn’t be any consequences for knocking into someone.

There would absolutely be consequences for refusing to apologise. Absolutely. Glow Stick would be gone and if he kicked off about it, we’d be going straight home.

This. You’re going to have be right with him at all times and basically spot problems before they happen, eg note how close he is getting to others and steer him away.

He never apologises when it’s an accident, I think it’s borne from nerves and thinking he’ll get in trouble. I had read that you shouldn’t force them but maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know.

@ThatShyRoseViper i honestly think that’s a bit unfair. Someone gave him and all the children the glow sticks, it wasn’t as if I was wanting him to go rogue with it. Just catching up with the other posts now.

Maybe not wanting him to but the fact remains you were letting him. Then you ask people what to do. In future, if he gets a stick and can’t be trusted, you take the stick.

What school of thought doesn't make kids apologise?

Sounds like a terrible idea. How are you expecting him to learn to apologise?

It’s true we probably shouldn’t have gone but it was for children and they were dancing so it wasn’t a stand still and hold my hand sort of situation. There was loud music and DS nearly knocked the lady whilst dancing enthusiastically to jingle bells.

I don’t think hand on heart he did anything ‘wrong’ or that I did really and I’m the first to admit when we have. It’s more the fact he doesn’t seem to be aware of other people I was worried about but others say this is normal.

@GreyCarpet i know there is a massive difference between nearly five and just four which is why I was specific about he’s four next month. Three but right on the cusp of four, as there is also a huge difference in just turned three and nearly four.

You were in the right place, don't stress about that.

He did do something wrong. Not intentionally, but he did. So you have to equip him with the tools to deal with the situation.

Would you not apologise for accidentally bumping into someone?