Those with a Friend with benefits

[WWY]

I need some advice.
I knew a guy 12 years ago. We messed around a bit and had fun but it was never anything serious. We just drifted apart naturally.
Now, suddenly last weekend he sent a message on fb and it was a literal blast from the past!
First of all it's just general, how you been etc and how's your life now and so on.
Then he tells me he's now divorced and would love to take me out for dinner and just hang out as possible friends with benefits.
Charming, I know!
I'm 39 he's 42 for reference.
A big reason I'm considering this is because I appreciate his honesty. I used to really like him and we spoke all the time. He's also aesthetically very pleasing and conventionally gorgeous. 6'5 the whole typical lot!
I know that shouldn't influence me but I'm not going to lie, it does a bit, I'm very attracted to him. Also, secretly flattered that he finds me attractive too...
So, my question really is for other women who have FWB. Do you enjoy it? Does it become too much of a headache?
I'm a very liberal person so I'm ok with a more casual approach on the whole and I do love a more adventurous life. But, I don't know if it's wise to go back after so many years?

Hmm I think the problem with FWB is that many women start getting feelings after sleeping with the guy. Especially if you’re saying how hot he is etc… you’re attracted to him so that attraction is likely to deepen and that’s fine if it happens for him too, but if not then you could be left feeling rubbish.

If he’s simply looking for a casual hookup then go for it by all means but it’s very likely you could end up wanting more than he can give.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Gross, I wouldn't as he obviously doesn't respect you, you are nothing but a vagina to him.

I didnt like the casual approach but it seems he's sexy enough to get away with it 🤭

I dont have a fwb but have been single for so long 😄😄, i say Go for it, why not, have some fun

6"5 😍😍

And he doesn't need to be anymore than a Penis to her. Win win.

@Tink3rbell30 well that's true in essence but that's what I want him for too.
We used to go for dinner and out etc. It wasn't just wham bam thank you ma'm

He might have dressed it up nicely but essentially, it's a case of he's horny and you'll do.

Imo, FWB only works where both people think they can do better and are unlikely to ever want anything more than just sex.

For example, if you find him attractive but he has the IQ of a potato or he finds you attractive but thinks you're boring.

If no one cares about the reasons you both think you can do better, it works. Otherwise it's a disaster.

If you just want sex and don't care about anything else, go for it. If not, you most likely we'll end up catching feelings and getting hurt.

@Duc ugh, I know. That's what I'm worried about. But I was fine with it last time and if I know the intentions up front it should be fine too 🤷‍♀️ . I don't know

Also, secretly flattered that he finds me attractive too...

He hasn't seen you for 12 years.

He's found you on Facebook and asked you straight out for sex.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go for it if that's what you want, but please don't be 'flattered' by it.

He's horny and you two have a history, you like him - just make sure you know what youre getting yourself into.

@MumOfOneAllAlone 😅 honestly... so tempting 😂

I'm not sure about the fetishising his height bit, but if it works for you then go for it. Is your situation the same as then eg not looking for a partner to have kids with etc? It sounds fun!

@GivingYourHeadAWobble you are right and I'm under no illusion. I was the one who pulled away from him the first time as he wanted more but I was young and not fully into it. So he was always attracted to me. It's not a sudden attraction. I suppose I meant I'm surprised he's still attracted to me.
But yes, ultimately I know he's looking for a fuck. That's why I said friend with benefits.

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 I don't expect any long term plans with him no.
I think the height fetish thing is definitely a thing for a lot of women. Not all I know.
But when we used to go out women would be coming up to him and flirting outrageously with him right in front of me.
Another guy I dated was 6'6 and the same thing. He even said to me 'I don't think I'm even that good looking. My height just does a lot for me'.
So yeah. Some women do love a tall guy.

Yes, I used to have one of those and it was fun. It was FWB in its true sense. Friendship first and foremost with a benefit of sex not some seedy booty-call situation when one of us is drunk at 3am. We went out, socialised, went to events together or had a quiet night with a bottle of wine and a movie. We knew each other inside out and had plenty of dates which didn't lead to sex. We supported each other through hard times life friends will. We would never work as a couple and, eventually, both found people we wanted to date seriously. It was lovely but, I think, these experiences are very rare.

I think it’s fine, so long as you won’t be upset when he finds someone he wants to be exclusive with and ends it with you, it can be quite a slap in the face.

Give it a go, what have you got to lose?!

It sounds like you’re going into it with your eyes open.

I'd say go for it. As long as you're happy that's all you want from him. Beware of getting feelings, it's a common thing with FWB, especially if you spend the night together etc. Keep an eye on that but you can always end the arrangement if you find it's no longer working for you.

Have you actually set eyes on him in 12 years , and vice versa ? You might meet and have changed a lot in those years and now not attracted to each other .

I had a friend with benefits years ago, it was just after I left a very very physically abusive relationship, and he had left a long term relationship that ended badly. We had been friends since high school, we’d always been attracted to each other physically, and loved each other as friends-but it didn’t go any deeper than that.
We had a great time, we managed to maintain the friendship side of things throughout, we both then met other people, fell in love and got married-then naturally just drifted apart. Haven’t seen him or spoken to him in years now, I still very much care about him as a friend and I’m happy that he’s happy. We both got what we needed at the time and then moved on.
It can work, in rare circumstances, as long as you’re both in it for the same reason and nobody falls any deeper

You don't need to make a decision immediately

Go out with him and see how you feel

If you're both into each other, then why not enjoy some good times with an attractive man

The great thing about FWB situations is that you're not making any commitment and it shouldn't be anything other than enjoyable.

You can agree to his suggestion as it sounds like you're tempted, and he's hot. And if you find it doesn't work for you after the first, second, third, fourth or whatever times... you can stop it and move on. You're agreeing to fun casual sex, not making vows for a long-term commitment.

FWB situations shouldn't be overthought. If you want to do it, go for it. If it stops being fun, that's when to stop it.

I don't believe in FWBs. Women act like they're empowering when they're not. They just allow men to behave badly and have their cake and eat it. Think long and hard before you agree to this kind of "arrangement".

Basically what he's saying you're good enough to shag but not good enough to contemplate having a LTR with.

Done it a few times but don't anymore. I make it to about 6 months before the thoughts of "we get on so well and the sex is electric, we should be in an actual relationship" start up. The guy has admittedly never been up for this but I can't help it. It's how I'm wired.

You're basically a placeholder so they can get their dick wet whilst waiting for someone that they do deem is relationship material. Pretty depressing really.

I have had a few similar relationships one was with an ex which was great fun, another was also an ex but I moved away so ended up in a LDR - we are still friends but sadly no benefits as he has grown older

Do you not think women can have their cake and eat it as well?

I don't think any of my past FWBs behaved badly (apart from in the ways I wanted them to).