Going NC with Ex again

[Booskiepoo]

i contacted an ex after a long time , for a benign reason as the break up was bad , he was a player who didn’t treat me well and I thought it might be helpful for my mental health

the conversation went a bit left field as I wanted to understand why he’d done some of the things he had done , but he wanted me to get back with him and said always missed me loved me etc

I did love this guy a lot so that was a difficult conversation and I explained that I’m married , never called to get back with him and that my DH knew about the conversation.

some of the stuff this guy said was really deep and he seemed depressed, he hadn’t found happiness and was lonely , I said let’s be friends and keep in touch but I’m not available and married

he’s now gone NC, which I’m not sure I wanted to do , but also think it’s the right thing

AIBU to feel sad and worried about him , and have a whole host of feelings.
the honesty from him did stir up some feelings I think

Today I cried . I know the NC is the right thing to do but I also care a lot and I’m struggling with my emotions

AIBU to feel like this

He ghosted you when you declined his advances. No jiggy,he’s not interested
Stop trying to save him. Focus on you,not sepia toned notion of oh maybe he’s changed, maybe he’s a nice guy nice. Don’t go looking for trouble ,why would you do that

He wanted sex. You weren’t giving it up and he’s not wasting another minute on reconnecting.

Promise me you won’t waste another tear on him.

Once a player…

First you said you contacted him for a benign reason. Then you said you are asking questions as to why he did some things, sorry that was your first mistake. You said he was a player and didn't treat you well. So to me, even if he gave you reasons, I doubt they would be answers you want to hear.
Best just to stay no contact.

I don't understand why you contacted him unless it was unavoidable.

He's done you a favour going NC. Block and delete him.

I said let’s be friends and keep in touch but I’m not available and married

You’re married?! 🤔 why are you contacting an ex looking for reasons why they were horrible to you? How will that help your mental health?

omg listen to yourself the bloke treated you like shit and you've contacted him when your married. i can guarantee he doesnt love you or care about you what he said to you he has probably said to loads of other women. And because you've said no to his advances he has blanked you. that is not love that is a trauma bond. you should block him on every social media account, get some counselling for your self esteem which i think is low. think how you would feel if your husband did this to you with another woman. sorry if this seems harsh but these men ruin womens lives

The stuff he sent me seemed really raw

I love you , I wish your children were ours , I would be with you in a heartbeat , I fucked up , etc etc . I’m never going to marry anyone else , you were the only one I wanted I miss you etc etc

He was never like this before and it turned out he never did settle down after me

I felt so bad

It seemed raw in the moment but you know now it’s not real, right?

Please don’t fall for this silliness. You’re married with children. Seriously put down the phone and be with your family.

Editing to add… he never settled down after you because no one else would have him. Don’t get that mixed up with you being the great love of his life.

Look just stop. Stop romanticising his heartfelt attempts at getting you back in his bed
WTF are yiu feeling bad about? You say He treated you appallingly? Do you want second helping.? Go back try save him
This has the potential to be a hot boiled mess and you’re ohh and ahh at his it was only ever you lines

Surely,you’re not that stupid?

I must be stupid

Your judgment is impaired. You’re only remembering nice him and now you’re unrealistically exploring what if and oh he’s changed… only one he said

Maybe hearing all the words I’d have wanted to hear before has made me weak and stupid , he seemed so genuine, tearful at times , saying he’d give anything to be with me , he didn’t care that I had children and he would take care of them too , that he would be gutted if I said no , that he hates his life it’s empty , he should have had children with me , that the children I have should be his . It really got to me I know

Players always know what to say. That’s how they get away with it.

look,you have the here and now. Your husband, your children. Your fantasising & reminiscing an imperfect relationship with a man who didn’t say all that at the time. Didn’t marry you,didn’t commit.

Stop all this mushy revisionist nonsense. You and him you’ve had your intense moment, he treated you badly , that is fact

He also apologised for everything he did to me before and I think he is depressed . Saying he hates his life , he’s alone and he would wait days weeks or years , and does not plan to commit to anyone else aside from me . Yes it was intense but I did say no thank you , so maybe I’m not that weak

Thanks zonelondon I just think I need you ladies to keep me on track and i appreciate all your advice

block him. Delete his details. Leave it in the past

Wasn’t it lucky you called him then so he could pour his heart out. Phones work both ways 🙄

He didn’t have my number . I changed it so he couldn’t call me and I disappeared from all networks and social media to get away from him even quit my job

That’s pretty decisive and indicative of the threat and emotional pain he caused you

U guys are right whatever it was genuine or not it’s not my problem x

OP you fancy this ex, you long to have intimate relationships with him you want him to be your husband who loves you and fathered your children. But the cold hard fact is he isnt and never will be. He is an ex who you had fun with he treated you like crap and you moved on. He offered it to you on a plate you declined he ghosted you. He doesnt want to be your friend stop trying to save him. If he is having serious problems tell his family let the ones who do love him be there for him.

This is not a game this is the lives of your own family you are playing with.

He sounds a sad sack. Why would you want someone with such a sad, empty life?

He said he'd wait years but then went no contact as soon as you said no thanks.

Think about it, he is a liar. He will do anything to reel you in and then dump you, to make himself feel better.

If he had wanted you he wouldn't have messed you around and treated you terribly.

You do realise he didn't settle down with you either, right? So him not settling down with anyone after you doesn't mean you were the love of his life, it means he remained true to type as a player.

That’s really helpful I feel miles better today