Tell Neighbour's partner the truth?

[TeaAndCake28]

Long story short, asked Neighbour if they would help out with my son after school twice per week (20 mins). Said I would pay for their trouble. Wife said 'dont tell (partners name) you are paying me else he will want the money" so I havent said anything to the partner. This arrangment was happening over 3 months and all was ok. However, her partner has started asking me to do stuff for them like take stuff to the tip, collect shopping.... and I have not done so due to work (they dont work) - he thinks I am being selfish expecting them to look after my son while doing nothing to help them out in return. He has started being off hand and cutting me evils. I now dont feel happy taking my son over. All this because she won't tell him I am paying them to look after my son 2 afternoons a week for 20 mins. Shall I tell him and get her in trouble? I just dont want him treating me like this because he thinks I am expecting them to help me while not helping them.

Sounds like rather too much hassle to me. I wouldn’t be meddling in their relationship dynamic in case I’d be putting her in a really difficult situation, I’d just be looking for another option for childcare.

Afterschool club would be easier and cost less

You want to cause a massive row between the two of them, and you're happy for a man who 'gives you evils' to be around your children?

You'll need to make other arrangements.

Your arrangement is with the woman. Why should her unpleasant DH come between you and her and your mutually convenient arrangement? She certainly has a DH problem though it is up to her how she handles it, poor woman. Can you just ignore him?

I'd cancel the arrangement with her and tell her why.

Find another solution for childcare

You need to make alternative arrangements asap.

Why can’t he take his own stuff to the tip, hasn’t he got a car?

Why don’t they work, are they retired?

They are working age but don't work due to health conditions

Absolutely don't tell him. You need to have a chat with her about it. He sounds financially abusive

I wouldn’t have left my child the moment I heard that the woman was scared of her partner knowing about the payment.

Just tell her what you've said here and ask her to sort it?

I booked school clubs this week and said nothing to them. Instinct was to confront and clear the air, but something made me think it really isnt worth the aggro.

I'm sorry girl, i know childcare is hard

What has she said about it, does she know he's giving you evils?

You've been really decent, it seems like they are a bit weird

He seems weird - maybe he's secretly abusive, especially if he's giving you weird looks. I wouldn't want to escalate things either

Don’t tell him.

change childcare but do t tell him.

You could put her in danger by telling him.

This. Make other arrangements.

Yes so I think I will just let him carry on thinking I am a big a hole, but keep her safe.

No, I wouldn't tell the partner. Your neighbour may have a reason not to tell her partner about the money or her partner might have concerns about her spending, and you getting involved in their family dynamic might make the situation worse. I would probs make other arrangements for your son. You could keep line of communication open to the neighbour in case she needs a listening ear. Her reaction if you decide to make other arrangements might give you a clue why she asked you to keep the payment secret from her partner and, if she needs help, you could possibly signpost her to places that could help but you have to focus on your own family arrangements

Why is telling him the only option?

Why dont you tell her that you suspect he is put out that you arent helping them back and ask if she can help you resolve that? Im fairly certain if youre getting those vibes from him he will have been bad mouthing

Exactly. He has been bad mouthing me as their daughter told my daughter. Doesnt seem fair as I have done nothing wrong, just been caught up in a lie between them.

arggh posted too soon!

Having read tour update now I wouldnt leave my DC witht someone who was goving me evils and i suspected might be abusive in the home.

That money might be helping to fund her leaving because I don't know anyone who'd actually accept payment for 40 mins a week tbh, especially neighbours.

He sounds disgusting. You don't do a favour for a return favour. If its no hardship to help and providing your DC isn't eating them out of house and home or seeing how many heirlooms he can launch into traffic, I doubt he's any bother.

Yes they dont feed him or even give him a drink. He is a good boy and they have a son the same age. They pick up from school (2 minute walk) and take back to their house for 20 mins while I make my way back from the office only twice a week as the other days I work from home.