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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

selfish behavior

29 replies

ThelittleBee · 28/11/2024 03:46

DH and myself don't have any kids, but we do have a puppy. I work shifts and all I ask is that DH comes home from work on the days Im doing nights and walks the pup so I can get a couple hours sleep before my nights. Lately he has been late from work and says things like 'will be an hour or so late, busy day'. However he returns home in his gym clothes and when I confronted him about the fact I have been averaging 4 hours sleep over the last three days because I cant sleep with a yapping puppy in his pen during the time I need to grab a couple of hours he lies. Yesterday I called him out when he was 2 and a half hours late and said that I saw him car at the gym while at the shop
(calling bluff). He got mad and said he had only been there for 5 minutes and came strait home which is a blatant lie. We both enjoy the gym and find its like therapy for us but I have barely had time to go due to having to pick up pup and juggle shift work. I told him I found it completely selfish that he finds it more important to get a work out in and lie to me about being at work then the fact that I am totally sleep deprived and also have to get up again at 11 after finishing work at 7am. He didn't apologies, and has gone as far as calling me petty when I today told him he can take the dog to work (He has an office the dog can stay in) and drop him back off on his break as I will have more sleep. I feel like my needs are being put on the back burner because he wont sacrifice a couple of days of gym when I am exhausted. The alternative would be for him to go early but he wont do that as he stays up playing games until late. I am lucky to see the gym twice a week while the pup is so small and yet he still managed to go 5 times a week and gets a solid 9 hours sleep a night. I don't want to go mad because he just shuts down but I want him to understand my side.

OP posts:
DPotter · 28/11/2024 03:54

Please note I'm not a dog owner and never have been. However I think given your situation with you both working out of the house full time and on shift work, you are not in a position to care for a dog, therefore you need to give it back. Your partner clearly does not want the dog enough to re-arrange his commitments to accommodate the poor thing.

In every family I know who has a dog, it's the adult female who cares for the dog, when often they didn't even want the dog.

Give the puppy back
Get rid of the man

marcopront · 28/11/2024 03:57

Was it a joint decision to get a puppy?

balzamico · 28/11/2024 03:58

⬆️ and do not have children with this man

MumChp · 28/11/2024 04:09

What do you get from this relationship? Certainly not respect.

pikkumyy77 · 28/11/2024 04:12

DPotter · 28/11/2024 03:54

Please note I'm not a dog owner and never have been. However I think given your situation with you both working out of the house full time and on shift work, you are not in a position to care for a dog, therefore you need to give it back. Your partner clearly does not want the dog enough to re-arrange his commitments to accommodate the poor thing.

In every family I know who has a dog, it's the adult female who cares for the dog, when often they didn't even want the dog.

Give the puppy back
Get rid of the man

Seconded.

HideousKinky · 28/11/2024 04:22

you are not in a position to care for a dog

I agree with this.
A puppy is very demanding.
Everyone in the household needs to be on board with having one.

ThelittleBee · 28/11/2024 04:23

DPotter · 28/11/2024 03:54

Please note I'm not a dog owner and never have been. However I think given your situation with you both working out of the house full time and on shift work, you are not in a position to care for a dog, therefore you need to give it back. Your partner clearly does not want the dog enough to re-arrange his commitments to accommodate the poor thing.

In every family I know who has a dog, it's the adult female who cares for the dog, when often they didn't even want the dog.

Give the puppy back
Get rid of the man

We don't both work full time. The dog has possible an hour alone in his pen around twice a week so its not a case of not having time for caring for the pup. Its the fact that I am bending over backwards to accommodate the care yet he's blissfully unaware that he also needs to make accommodations to his routine to balance the load out. We both agreed to get a puppy and I pick up more nights so the puppy doesn't have any time alone being so young. However my problem is that skipping a couple of gym days or going to bed earlier to gym before work is not a priority for him and he would rather stick to his usual routine and leave me to pup sit 90% of the time. We love having a dog and the dog gets plenty of attention and exercise but just feel the balance is way off and he seems to close down when I confront him.

OP posts:
MumChp · 28/11/2024 04:32

ThelittleBee · 28/11/2024 04:23

We don't both work full time. The dog has possible an hour alone in his pen around twice a week so its not a case of not having time for caring for the pup. Its the fact that I am bending over backwards to accommodate the care yet he's blissfully unaware that he also needs to make accommodations to his routine to balance the load out. We both agreed to get a puppy and I pick up more nights so the puppy doesn't have any time alone being so young. However my problem is that skipping a couple of gym days or going to bed earlier to gym before work is not a priority for him and he would rather stick to his usual routine and leave me to pup sit 90% of the time. We love having a dog and the dog gets plenty of attention and exercise but just feel the balance is way off and he seems to close down when I confront him.

He is not unaware. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is a grown up. Taking a free ride.

pikkumyy77 · 28/11/2024 04:38

Your explanation makes no sense. Your work/life balance is non existent because of the puppy and because your partner won’t do his fair share of agreed upon care. You dont both love snd want the puppy. And you don’t actually have a working arrangement where you can trust him to pull his weight. He wanted and enjoys the puppy as long as you do all the work and he doesn’t give one single shiny shit if you can’t sleep and are exhausted by his refusal to do his part.

Goldbar · 28/11/2024 04:39

You are default and he waltzes on with his life unchanged. Not taking responsibility is a choice he's making. I hope you weren't thinking about having kids with him?

EveningSpread · 28/11/2024 04:54

I can’t believe your partner doesn’t care about you getting enough sleep, and lies to you. That’s absolutely awful. You deserve better.

We have a 5 week old and do shifts with her at night. I have to set an alarm to wake me up, because my DP lets me sleep as long as possible, sacrificing his own sleep. I didn’t wake up til 3am this time, and there he was with the baby, just waiting for me. Then he offered to make me a cup of tea before going to bed. Men like this exist.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2024 05:06

He's a dick. Don't get pregnant whatever you do.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/11/2024 06:02

As soon as l heard stays up late gaming l knew you were on to a loser. Unless ye are both 20 and he will grow up eventually this won't change as he is basically selfish. I would say puppy has to go back unless he fully steps up even if you enjoy having him as working nights on little sleep is hell. And actually dangerous if you have to drive.

Catza · 28/11/2024 08:32

As heartbreaking as it is, you need to give the dog back. He is not prepared to take care of it and you can't. So that's the end of the matter.
I would then think about rehoming the partner because, unless you want to do round two with your children at some point in the future, this relationship is a non starter.

ByHardyRubyEagle · 28/11/2024 08:36

Given you work shifts that make you passing ships in the night, why did you get a puppy?? They are basically like having young children, need regular walks, attention etc. if you don’t have time for this then it’s not practical IMO. I suppose it’s sometimes a good practice run for having children, and if your partner is too lazy to do his bit then that is somewhat of a red flag. Maybe he’s too selfish.

CosyLemur · 02/12/2024 14:54

junebirthdaygirl · 28/11/2024 06:02

As soon as l heard stays up late gaming l knew you were on to a loser. Unless ye are both 20 and he will grow up eventually this won't change as he is basically selfish. I would say puppy has to go back unless he fully steps up even if you enjoy having him as working nights on little sleep is hell. And actually dangerous if you have to drive.

Why do you equate gaming late to being a loser?
I'm a single parent to 3 SEN kids, and work full time I have been for over 10 years, but I stay up late gaming most nights - it's my me time!
I'm certainly not a loser!

BuildbyNumbere · 02/12/2024 14:57

Might have been an idea to consider all this prior to getting a puppy.
Doesn’t sound like the wisest decision given your circumstances and says a lot about why there are so many dogs sat in rescue centres!!! Irresponsible.

BuildbyNumbere · 02/12/2024 15:01

CosyLemur · 02/12/2024 14:54

Why do you equate gaming late to being a loser?
I'm a single parent to 3 SEN kids, and work full time I have been for over 10 years, but I stay up late gaming most nights - it's my me time!
I'm certainly not a loser!

But does your gaming mean you can’t get up early in the morning to sort your kids?
His is obviously affecting his ability to help the following day, I.e can’t go gym early so can’t get back for puppy.

ScarfsAndHats · 02/12/2024 15:20

He doesn’t want a puppy and your (plural) work and hobbies mean you’re not able to look after a puppy.

CrayonCritic5 · 02/12/2024 15:25

You need to sot down and split your duties as a couple 50/50. If he’s not willing to, consider this a relationship break until he does.

lessglittermoremud · 02/12/2024 17:48

I have dogs, and I would say it’s mostly me that organises their care especially exercise.
its not the end of the world as its me that is the big animal lover, have worked in the animal care industry etc however one of our youngest dogs we only got after a lengthy discussion about who is going to help. He goes to work with my OH but he doesn’t walk him etc.
A pup should be ok to be left for an hour or two without it making a fuss, once all its needs are met, I’m assuming you’ve had it awhile if it’s going out on walks.
In the long run you’ll be doing yourselves no favours for constantly having it with one of you, so I would gradually build up the time it is happy to be left whilst you both go the the gym.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 17:52

Your explanation makes no sense. The puppy isn't only left alone for one hour otherwise you wouldn't have an issue.

Your OH doesn't want the responsibility of a puppy/dog. So do you want to deal with all puppy issues or should you rehouse it ASAP.

Whaleandsnail6 · 02/12/2024 18:01

Im afraid I agree with other posters ... sounds like your partner liked the idea of having a dog but now the reality of having to make changes to his routine and give up things he likes has hit, he isnt willing to do that

He is massively unreasonable but I think you need to sit down and discuss if it would be best if the puppy went back to the breeder whilst still young enough and not attached to have a home where all owners are ready to be responsible for it.

WoolySnail · 02/12/2024 18:12

Disney dad in the making. Don't be daft enough to have kids with him thinking it will be different as they'll be his babies and not a dog- it won't be!

GFBurger · 02/12/2024 18:28

I am just here to echo other people’s comments.

He is perfectly happy to lie to you and make your life harder over a couple of gym sessions, and then get angry at you for it! That is not only selfish, it’s nasty.

If he doesn’t change his behaviour rapidly and appreciate how horrible he has been, then you need to get rid.