Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to visit my aunt who won't even recognize me?

30 replies

KITTENSOCKS · 29/04/2008 09:33

She has advanced dementia and lives in a nursing home 280 miles away. Although I love her dearly, I cannot face seeing her in that state. Her son and two daughters do not keep in touch with me other than Christmas cards. One of the daughters only lives 18 miles away from me and she doesn't keep in touch as she once used to, although interestingly it seemed I was always the one to phone her. She didn't even tell me when her first grandchild was born I found that out from a friend of their family. No-one has actually said "we are disappointed that you haven't been to visit mum", so I presume they see no reason to stay in touch for the sake of our parents, who are now dead, apart from my aunt.

OP posts:
belgo · 29/04/2008 09:36

It depends solely on the relationship between you and your aunt. CAn you justify it to yourself if you don't visit her?

Tommy · 29/04/2008 09:38

this one is entirely for you to decide!

If you're not going because you're cross with your cousins then that is a bit silly IMO.

If you're using the "I don't want to see her in that state" argument then, personally, I feel that is a bit like not facing up to the situation.

If you love her - go. Simple isn't it? You might regret it when she dies.

maryz · 29/04/2008 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 29/04/2008 09:48

Hmmmm, difficult.

My dh nan passed away last year. We only see them every so often as they live an hour and a half away.

When she was in hospital he arranged a day with his brother to go and see her even though they knew she wouldn't be the nan she used to be, iykwim.

I desperately wanted to go as I hadn't seen her for a couple of months and knew that she didn't have long left. I was told it was just hubby and his brother which was fair enough until his brother turned up to collect him on the day and his bro's girlfriend was in the car. Petty I know but I felt that I knew 'nansy' more than bro's girlfriend as they hadn't been seeing each other long whereas I had been part of the family for 8 yrs. That upset me greatly and dh doesn't see why. I also NEVER got to see her after that and I still regret it to the day.

I know that you say she won't recognize you but she is still your aunty and you will regret it. Maybe deep down she does recognize you in a small way, or at least recognize that you are part of the family and is holding onto the hope that she will see you soon.

Original poster
KITTENSOCKS · 29/04/2008 09:57

Yes, belgo I can justify it to myself in that I have no reason to travel to that part of the country any more, I don't want to see her in that state, and, if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't expect my cousins to do it if it was my mother.
I will not do it because they expect it of me, I have spent my whole life doing what other people want, a people pleaser, and now I have simply had enough.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 10:38

Im a bit lost, they dont contact you so why are they expecting you to visit?

I would base this soley on your feelings for your aunt. If you think she will benefit from your visit then please please go and see her. Dementia is a funny thing, parts of the memory are still alive where others have gone - she may well recognise you and get great pleasure from your visit. She might not recognise you but still get pleasure from a fresh person to talk to.

My father had alzheimers and I hated seeing him that way, only his sister visited him from his family - he got alot from those visits where sometiems he didnt register me.

If you were close to your aunt, go - if you were as close to your aunt as i am to mine - dont go. It is a long journey, maybe you could phone the home and see how receptive she is to visitors. Of course, it all depends if you feel you are going to get a good reception from the rest of the family. I dont hardly ever see my cousins and they live in the same town, if i see them in passing and we just say hello thats quite an achievement. Never see cousins or contact from my fathers side.

Original poster
KITTENSOCKS · 29/04/2008 11:24

Lucyellensmum, it gets better; they didn't give me the address of the nursing home! I only found it out from someone else at Christmas and had to look up the map, directions on the computer (multimap type thing) Whenever I asked if there was any thing I could do to help/send things for my aunt, they said no.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 29/04/2008 11:31

This has nothing to do with your cousins - it is to do with your relationship with your aunt.

If you love her as dearly as you say, could you live with yourself if you never saw her again before she died? If you feel that you would live to regret not seeing her, then I think you should go and see her.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2008 11:39

Dementia is a cruel disease,you have considered your emotional reactions and responses to visiting your aunty.no one can compel you to to undertake something you will find harrrowing

Whether or not the others chose to visit is imo another (seperate) issue. avoid being drawn into vompetitive politics who is the best/better relative that is toxic

essentially you are an adult woman coping witha harrowing illness that upsets you.Many people chose to reduce visits and remember the person in their own way. this is a
coping strategy and no one should judge you for that

crumpet · 29/04/2008 11:44

Would it give your aunt comfort to have a familiar visitor, even if she did not fully recognise you?

scottishmummy · 29/04/2008 11:45

what about the discomfort is causes kittensocks?

crumpet · 29/04/2008 11:53

well, setting aside the issue with the cousins, if I was in Kittensocks shoes I would weigh up the balance between the discomfort for me and the comfort it could bring.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2008 12:09

yes we are pontificating someone else moral dilemma.it's not clear cut issue.she has said it is difficult for her

crumpet · 29/04/2008 12:17

? SM have I offended you? Kittensocks talked abouther issues with her family and the practical and emotional difficulties, but all I asked was whether or not she knew if it would bring any comfort to her aunt. If her aunt is so far gone that any visit wouldn't register, then that is one thing. If it would bring some comfort to her aunt, then it is another factor to think about in making her decision. Not sure why you jumped down my throat.

Kittensocks, I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you - it's a tough position to be in.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2008 12:22

i am merely acknowldehging this is a challenging moral dilemma.are you being a bitty touchy?

macdoodle · 29/04/2008 13:01

Sorry but I think you are both BU and selfish .....nothing to do with your cousins if she is your aunt and you love her then you make the effort (even if it is only once)....my beloved gran had dementia and moved into a nursing home near me - I visted her 2-3 times every week for 3 years with my DD1 - and it was heartbreaking to see her in that state BUT sometimes she knew me and my DD and those days will be in my heart for ever - sitting in the garden holding her hand watching my DD1 playing -with her saying "my lovely lovely girls" - don't tell me that it didn't make a difference to her because it did even if it was only one visit out of 20...my little sis came when she could to see her sometimes she knew her and was lucid sometimes she didn't and it was hard for sis but she came cos she loved her (and it was a nearly 400 mile round trip for her)...
my brother came once in 3 years and then said it was too hard for him to see her like that (yep sure or too inconvenient it was hard for me too because I loved her and because I had a busy life it was hard for my DD too but she loved her too and she learnt about responsibilty and doing the right thing even when it is difficult)....and he was quick enough to claim his inheritance
Sorry turned into a bit of a rant but sore point for me - this belief that just because people have dementia and don't recognise you most of the time that they don't deserve to be treated like a person and don't deserve any quality of life
Anyway just go you will feel better for it and maybe she will too

macdoodle · 29/04/2008 13:04

How can you choose to withdraw from someone with an illness because it is painful for you how horrible what about them .....

scottishmummy · 29/04/2008 13:20

macdoodle i have read both your posts VCarefully and it sounds harrowing for you.BUT KS need to protect and maintain her own mental health and well being this is not callous abandonment it is a complex moral dilemma.KS is not selfish, nor is she being unreasonable and i dont think anyone deserves such judgemental appraisal

thing about mortality and illness is it is so so painful and evokes such powerful responses

i guess i am saying clearly you dont agree but maybe you could empathise

brimfull · 29/04/2008 13:25

From the perspective of someone who nurses the elderly,it is lovely for them to get visitors regardless of whether she recognises you or not.
Gives her and the staff something to talk about,lets the staff see your aunt in another light.Breaks up her day.
I totally understand if you find it difficult though.

macdoodle · 29/04/2008 13:28

I know I came across as harsh and obviously I am too close ...but I just think if a loved relative had say breast cancer you wouldn't not go and see them to "protect yourself" so why is dementia any different - it is an even more horrendous disease in need of support from loved ones....it was heartbreakingly hard to see my once strong and independant gran reduced to nappies drooling agitated and mostly not knowing I was there - but she deserved my respect love and support ....I don't think it is a fair excuse to say it is "too hard" - if it is too far or too difficult practically then say that but not it is too hard to see them like that - it smacks of selfishness to me - the OP asked for advice I can empathise I truly know how hard it is but I still think she should make the effort to go - family politics and distance aside !

scottishmummy · 29/04/2008 13:38

one needs to balance their own mental health and wellbeing and ability to support a pt with any illness.in oncology carers/family also find it hard to determine when to visit or allow self permission when not to visit

illness impacts differently upon every individual - there is no one size fits all strategy.far from it

Original poster
KITTENSOCKS · 29/04/2008 13:59

Thanks all for your replies. Afraid my mental health is not at its' best at present. Guess I will have to go away and think about this again.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 29/04/2008 14:13

yanbu
My grandma has advanced dementia and is in a nursing home. I do visit, and come out feeling depressed and miserable. Other members of the family choose not to, and I can completely understand why. That sounds so harsh but unless you've experienced it it is impossible to explain.

StealthPolarBear · 29/04/2008 14:14

And I'm mentally healthy, if I wasn't there's no way I would put myself in that situation.

lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 17:01

I think that is a good plan kitten. Its almost a double edge sword really isnt it. I mean, if you are close to your aunt, seeing her unwell is going to be very upsetting for you. I suppose if its a duty visit and you are just visiting because you feel you should then it wont upset you as much.

Do what you feel - why not talk to the care home and find out how she is, whether she is able to recognise people etc. As i said, she may be really pleased to see you, or she may well not register at all. A thought i have just had is - could you send your aunt a letter, along with some pictures of you and your family - that might trigger her memory, you could ask the carehome to read it to her and tell you if there is any recognition. That way you would know if a visit would be at least worthwhile.

I should have made it clear that i can totally empathise with you. My father had alzheimers, he was my dad and i felt i had to visit. But it really took its toll on my mental health, towards the end i just couldtn cope with it at all and i didnt visit him hardly at all when he was in the hospital. Im not sure what my family thought, but it was the only way i could deal with it. I regret it deeply, however i really truly dont think he was aware - i have to tell myself that. Do what YOU feel you want to do.
Good luck

Swipe left for the next trending thread