I'm having some issues with my mum currently and really unsure which way to go with this. For context, I'm the middle of 3. I have an older sister and a younger brother. We are all well into adulthood. I have a husband and 2 small children, one of which i'm on maternity leave with and still breastfeeding. I live a 50 min drive from my home town. My sister lives 15 min drive from my mum, and my single brother, roughly 10 mins from her. My sister and husband have 3 children who are much older than mine.
Towards the end of my most recent pregnancy, I was so happy that my mum excitedly mentioned that she could come visit each week to see us and also support me with my newborn and small child. She talked about how she could look after baby so I could still take my daughter swimming to spend some one on one time with her etc etc. It sounded great and it stuck in my head that i'd have a day a week with the kids grandma and they'd develop their bonds. She's retired and allocates a day a week to see my brother, a day for my sister and a day to pick up her eldest grandchild from school, so not unthinkable that my family may get a day of her time too. This didn't materialise. She visited or I would take the kids to see her (I'm more than happy to go to her, it's actually easier to get out of our house sometimes!) every 2-3 weeks in the beginning, and then it trailed off further and transpired the day she'd allocated to us was also the day of one of her fortnightly clubs. Recently she's only been available every 6-8 weeks. She's retired, she's social, she's living her life, I totally get that side. When struggling to find a day to meet, I asked a few weeks ago if there was another day of the week that she has more availability on (totally not expecting a weekly thing), she ignored this and said she would move our conversation to the group chat we have with my sister. Since then she has only messaged me via that group chat, which I've found really upsetting, because why? Why does she need my sisters presence to communicate with me? It's not like she's messaged my sister in that chat recently, just me. It's very odd and triggering of some previous events throughout my life.
Today I bravely asked, after she messaged again on there asking something about the children, if she only messaged my sister on there too. I knew it was provocative and my intention was to draw her attention to the difference in the way she treats us. My sister gets direct personal communication and weekly visits for her and her family, I get impersonal group communication and scraps of her time. My sister barked back saying i'd upset mum by the comment and did it really matter how mum contacts me? But to me, it does matter, and it has upset me for weeks.
Going back a little bit, my first child was born in a lockdown where it was permitted for families with a baby to bubble with another household. I used to have a weekly call with my mum throughout pregnancy and lockdowns. After I gave birth, that stopped and she barely got in touch, almost radio silence. I got a call from her when my daughter was 5 weeks old to say that my sister wanted to visit us so my mum would come too. She said it almost exactly like that. I just felt that was really heartless and I cried for days about that (also postpartum hormones contributed), but ultimately I accepted it because as a middle child, you accept any attention you can get. In contrast, when my sister had her first child my mum was present in the hospital, and even supported feeding baby through the first night they were home. Just polar opposite experiences from a mum who has always denied treating us differently.
I rarely get invited to my mum's for Christmas, she usually spends it with my sister's family. Last year was a bit of a blow because I was totally exhausted heavily pregnant with a toddler and my husband was recovering from bunion surgery with his foot in cast. My mum invited my sisters family and my brother that year 🙃. I thought I'd get ahead this year and invited my mum to ours early. I was amazed when she said yes but thought well maybe as it's baby's first Xmas. I found out later it was because my sister had told her she is going away this year. My mum then stipulated she would only come if my brother comes too. I accepted of course but on reflection, I'm feeling very low in the pecking order after that interaction.
So so many of these things have occured throughout my life. I'm well aware I have middle child syndrome, but I'm also of the belief that it's justified. My parents (divorced) have often commented on this, as though the problem is me being irrational. I'm so confused now, perhaps it is.
To be honest, I think I need therapy to work through this. Something about having a second child has triggered some feeling and fight in me to protect myself as the second child I once was, and to protect my children from being second best to their cousins. And I'm really not sure how justified it is to take this up with my mum, or if there's any point. Each and every time I've ever made comment about it to her in person or over telephone I'm either hit with flat out denial or ridicule/deflection (e.g. you've always been jealous of ....) especially in front of others. She's taken great pleasure in telling others how I was so jealous when my brother was born that I faked having headaches and she was told by the doctor that I needed some attention. Her interpretation of this has been that I'm a total anomaly and mine that I'm clearly defective for doing this. But since seeing my daughter struggle to accept her baby brother and understanding now how normal and painful it is, I feel so much sadness for myself as a child and adult that I felt I needed to fake headaches to get noticed, and have been publicly ridiculed for it ever since.
Sorry for the essay, but am I actually going mad and blowing this out of proportion? Does it sound trivial to you and should I just try to shelve it to keep the peace? Or do you think I'm justified in standing up for myself now? AIBU? I don't know what to do.
I'm meant to be meeting them on Sunday, I really don't want to go, but if I don't then I'm the bad guy.