To feel hurt and mistreated by my mother

[JasmineCaru]

I'm having some issues with my mum currently and really unsure which way to go with this. For context, I'm the middle of 3. I have an older sister and a younger brother. We are all well into adulthood. I have a husband and 2 small children, one of which i'm on maternity leave with and still breastfeeding. I live a 50 min drive from my home town. My sister lives 15 min drive from my mum, and my single brother, roughly 10 mins from her. My sister and husband have 3 children who are much older than mine.

Towards the end of my most recent pregnancy, I was so happy that my mum excitedly mentioned that she could come visit each week to see us and also support me with my newborn and small child. She talked about how she could look after baby so I could still take my daughter swimming to spend some one on one time with her etc etc. It sounded great and it stuck in my head that i'd have a day a week with the kids grandma and they'd develop their bonds. She's retired and allocates a day a week to see my brother, a day for my sister and a day to pick up her eldest grandchild from school, so not unthinkable that my family may get a day of her time too. This didn't materialise. She visited or I would take the kids to see her (I'm more than happy to go to her, it's actually easier to get out of our house sometimes!) every 2-3 weeks in the beginning, and then it trailed off further and transpired the day she'd allocated to us was also the day of one of her fortnightly clubs. Recently she's only been available every 6-8 weeks. She's retired, she's social, she's living her life, I totally get that side. When struggling to find a day to meet, I asked a few weeks ago if there was another day of the week that she has more availability on (totally not expecting a weekly thing), she ignored this and said she would move our conversation to the group chat we have with my sister. Since then she has only messaged me via that group chat, which I've found really upsetting, because why? Why does she need my sisters presence to communicate with me? It's not like she's messaged my sister in that chat recently, just me. It's very odd and triggering of some previous events throughout my life.

Today I bravely asked, after she messaged again on there asking something about the children, if she only messaged my sister on there too. I knew it was provocative and my intention was to draw her attention to the difference in the way she treats us. My sister gets direct personal communication and weekly visits for her and her family, I get impersonal group communication and scraps of her time. My sister barked back saying i'd upset mum by the comment and did it really matter how mum contacts me? But to me, it does matter, and it has upset me for weeks.

Going back a little bit, my first child was born in a lockdown where it was permitted for families with a baby to bubble with another household. I used to have a weekly call with my mum throughout pregnancy and lockdowns. After I gave birth, that stopped and she barely got in touch, almost radio silence. I got a call from her when my daughter was 5 weeks old to say that my sister wanted to visit us so my mum would come too. She said it almost exactly like that. I just felt that was really heartless and I cried for days about that (also postpartum hormones contributed), but ultimately I accepted it because as a middle child, you accept any attention you can get. In contrast, when my sister had her first child my mum was present in the hospital, and even supported feeding baby through the first night they were home. Just polar opposite experiences from a mum who has always denied treating us differently.

I rarely get invited to my mum's for Christmas, she usually spends it with my sister's family. Last year was a bit of a blow because I was totally exhausted heavily pregnant with a toddler and my husband was recovering from bunion surgery with his foot in cast. My mum invited my sisters family and my brother that year 🙃. I thought I'd get ahead this year and invited my mum to ours early. I was amazed when she said yes but thought well maybe as it's baby's first Xmas. I found out later it was because my sister had told her she is going away this year. My mum then stipulated she would only come if my brother comes too. I accepted of course but on reflection, I'm feeling very low in the pecking order after that interaction.

So so many of these things have occured throughout my life. I'm well aware I have middle child syndrome, but I'm also of the belief that it's justified. My parents (divorced) have often commented on this, as though the problem is me being irrational. I'm so confused now, perhaps it is.

To be honest, I think I need therapy to work through this. Something about having a second child has triggered some feeling and fight in me to protect myself as the second child I once was, and to protect my children from being second best to their cousins. And I'm really not sure how justified it is to take this up with my mum, or if there's any point. Each and every time I've ever made comment about it to her in person or over telephone I'm either hit with flat out denial or ridicule/deflection (e.g. you've always been jealous of ....) especially in front of others. She's taken great pleasure in telling others how I was so jealous when my brother was born that I faked having headaches and she was told by the doctor that I needed some attention. Her interpretation of this has been that I'm a total anomaly and mine that I'm clearly defective for doing this. But since seeing my daughter struggle to accept her baby brother and understanding now how normal and painful it is, I feel so much sadness for myself as a child and adult that I felt I needed to fake headaches to get noticed, and have been publicly ridiculed for it ever since.

Sorry for the essay, but am I actually going mad and blowing this out of proportion? Does it sound trivial to you and should I just try to shelve it to keep the peace? Or do you think I'm justified in standing up for myself now? AIBU? I don't know what to do.
I'm meant to be meeting them on Sunday, I really don't want to go, but if I don't then I'm the bad guy.

In my 20s I thought the best, put a positive spin on poor behaviour. I thought having kids would be a reset, a fresh start to a different relationship. Took me a long time to conclude that wasn't going to happen.
The older your kids get the more accurate your memories of being that age get. That can be illuminating when you can't believe someone said that to you.
I echo a PP, do enough to stay in the will and build a strong community with others.

I’m a middle child, and was left out a lot, even now as grown ups I would say I don’t get the same offers of help and support that my siblings do.
i have 3 children and make sure that none of them feel the way I did growing up, I’ve been told I’m over compensating with them but there is nothing worse than growing up and feeling slightly unwanted.
i would reduce contact as others have suggested and not reply on the family chat, you’re enabling her method of communication by responding on there.
its quite liberating when you stop doing the things you feel you ‘have’ to do, concentrate on your own little family and surround yourselves with lovely loyal people.

Talk to her face-to-face. Show her how upset you are with the situation. Don't involve your sister in this. It's between you and your mother. If you can't sort it, you'll have to accept it.

Talk to her and of she doesn’t concede, cancel her for Xmas

You won’t get her to change, see things your way, or acknowledge anything. She has constructed her own reality where you are the scapegoat labelled as ‘difficult ‘ and another child is the golden one. Everything you do is seen at through this distorted lens.

i have experienced this also ( though as youngest child). I would suggest to back right off. Expect nothing. Turn your attention and interest elsewhere, as your mother ( and wider family) will just be a black hole, giving nothing back. Do the minimum contact wise, give little information, and just be busy elsewhere.

I would probably go through Christmas, but just do exactly as you would do for your own family and regard wider family ( mother etc) as as one that you don’t need to put yourself out for. Expect nothing. Maybe even make it entertaining for yourself by having a private bingo card ( criticism of cooking, check! Wanting timetable arranged around her at inconvenience to others: check!)

listen to the podcast ‘ In sight…. Exposing narcissism ‘ and see if anything resonates. Good luck.

I'm completely with you overall and I too was (& still am) the least preferred child. However this bit confused me " I got a call from her when my daughter was 5 weeks old to say that my sister wanted to visit us so my mum would come too. She said it almost exactly like that. I just felt that was really heartless and I cried for days about that"

?

@VegTrug I don’t know but think maybe OP meant her DM was only visiting because her sis wanted to visit so she would tag along but she hadn’t suggested it and she wasn’t particularly bothered or keen. So OP felt hurt.

Even her DM had phrased it along the lines of I can’t wait to visit you and X I’m sorry its taken me so long but I have persuaded your sis to give me a lift so we will see you Thursday.

OP, as a fellow middle child, I could have written your post. Therapy has helped me a great deal, I can’t recommend it enough. Solidarity xx

Op my mum is exactly like this. Over the years I’ve kept my distance and the relationship is cordial but non existent as I’ve put as much effort in as she
My sister is the golden child and always was. Let me tell you that it’s come home to roost now my mums heart is failing and my sister is obligated to support her. I have been very clear on the reasons I am not. My sister is furious with me and my mum laments about not getting a get well card or visit. I honestly don’t give a fuck.

I second this.
DM is not going to change. You are third-best to her, that isn't going to change, ever.

My mother was like this. My father was very cold too. I had horrendous self esteem and a tonne of dysfunctional coping mechanisms. I remember speaking to a cousin of mine about my experience and she was able to say words before I’d spoken as it was a very similar set up in her home. It was incredibly validating for me but very sad for both of us. It is painful not to be loved by a parent but you can learn to live well with it.

I would start by leaving the WhatsApp chat.

I would dm my sister to tell her to mind her own business and to fuck right off to the far side of fuck and to keep going. You'll feel marvellous 😂

If your mum wants to come for Christmas let her start to make an ffing effort. She has three weeks.

I wouldn't shed a tear over her if she has a jolly good flounce, and spends Christmas in a woe is me martyred stance. You reap what you sow.

I often think about DM’s funeral now she is almost mid 80’s. My younger DSIS, niece, nieces bf will be at the front along with my DB and DSIS’s other black sheep child. I am convinced my DM prefers her dog, nieces dogs, nieces bf and some of DSIS’s and nieces friends to myself, DH and my DC. She speaks about them much more fondly and regards them higher.

I often think whether I should sit in the middle several rows behind my birth family or at the back of the crematorium with my own family.

My DM has made her feelings obvious as to who she likes and values most by her words and actions.

I visit but much less than I used to. If DM has the chance of a better offer with anyone else she won’t answer the phone or commit to doing anything with me (she will show me, I can’t just visit whenever I fancy if I am not playing her game and dancing to her warped tune). If I visit unannounced I will be met with disdain and or sent packing.

I still love her but I have given up all hope of ever having a normal loving reciprocal mother daughter relationship now. I do the minimum. Sometimes I briefly think I may have imagined her mistreatment and poor unmotherly behaviour towards me over the years then I remember lots of nasty comments, digs, all the guilt trips and her playing favourites at mine and my DC’s expense and I know I/we are better off with much reduced contact and I let them all crack on.

Being a middle child is not always easy - I am one, so I know! You are neither the wonderful miracle of a first-born, nor the "baby".

You have to let it go or it will rule your life. You have enough to do with two little ones without giving this family dynamic any of your headspace. Better just to enjoy your children. It is what it is. I just took it on the chin. And made sure my middle child was never left to feel like that.

Get therapy. Your mum may well make a difference between you. Is it because your sister is the golden child (so you AND brother come a poor second) or is it because you are the middle child (she treats the other two equally but you are left out). She may even have a golden first born and precious only son - so you still get left out. Figure that bit out objectively.

She will never admit to having unequal feelings for her different children, people almost never do as it's totally unacceptable. Your mum would likely put it down to you being oversensitive due to hormones and totally dismiss your feelings. All you can do is try to manage how you react to her. Go and speak to someone independent to work through your emotions. Hopefully then you can deal with her in a more pragmatic way without putting yourself through more grief.

I think it's common. I'm the eldest. I was born to fix loss and to be the favourite, but I don't like unfair rules. I also had a sense of parental responsibility for my DS so I never played the card I was dealt.
There's now pressure for me to be the one who listens to both (divorced) parents' woes, while my DS is a plane ride away. I don't blame her for getting away from them. We communicate often, usually shared jokes and swapping photos of our DCs, it helps that we bonded and would not compete.
I have 2 DCs, I don't have a favourite (maybe the cat? Joke).

Well it turns out that I didn't need to cancel Christmas plans after all. I tried to speak to my mother about this and mentioned some of the points in my first post. She blamed me for not bringing it to her attention sooner, told me that if I wanted more of her time I could visit and leave before she goes to her club, and said she wouldn't feel comfortable coming for Xmas now and didn't want to drive. No acknowledgement of my feelings, no accountability. I do totally agree with what has been said that she has labelled me as the difficult one in her mind, so everything that happens now is like a confirmation bias of her thinking.

I am very different to my family anyway. I went to uni and have a career that I've worked hard for. My siblings do not. My adult brother still lives rent free on handouts. I am the anomaly and I guess mum would probably say (if I pressed her) that my siblings need her more because I'm more independent. Ultimately I need to care a lot less about it. I've left the family chat now.

Sadly my husband is the least favourite too and his mum prefers to spend Christmas with his brother's family. So we have decided to take a different kind of therapy instead this year and have booked a holiday abroad in the sunshine. But we'll see my husband's family when we get back for a belated Christmas celebration.

Thanks so much for your advice. Each comment resonates and echos thoughts I've had over the years but have tried to dismiss because, well, the truth hurts.
X

Glad to hear you have sorted your Xmas out and hope you have a good one.
I will probably be spending mine alone as my eldest daughter doesn't understand why I dislike my mother so much. Her partner dislikes me intensely and thinks I'm not good enough to be around his children, so I have barely seen them.
Be strong but be aware that when you think your mother can't hurt you anymore they find one more way of piercing straight through your heart.

Hope you have the most amazing time! X

Have a fantastic well deserved break OP.

My mum used to say similar ‘you should have asked, you should have said something, spoke up at the time’ etc. No acknowledgement of blame on her part for not realising the unfairness of the situation or accepting any blame etc.

Take care xx

I just want to say how sorry I am to hear all this OP. I think you've already received a lot of support and good advice on here, but in your shoes I would definitely cancel the Christmas plans too. At your age you shouldn't have to cow tow to your mother to get attention for you and your beautiful children, she should WANT to spend time with all of her children and grandchildren as equally as possible.

Perhaps your need for resilience from being labelled unfairly and negatively has made you the person you are?
You are the strong independent one forging a life where you take responsibility for your own actions. Perhaps you were attracted to your independent DH and found a kindred spirit.
Stuff the negative ones, enjoy your life!