Hi there, I’m in a really hard situation and I’m looking for some advice, please be kind.
The context:
I met this person, let’s call her M, because her cousin, J, is one of my best friends. When I met M, we were in our early twenties and she was just starting to show signs of an eating disorder. She seemed to want us to be friends immediately and a little intensely. I enjoyed her company, I don’t live in the same city as her, and I got the sense that she was perhaps a little lonely, so I figured there wouldn’t be much harm in becoming friends with her and seeing her occasionally.
That was 15 years ago, and unfortunately M has had a severe eating disorder throughout. Quite honestly, I’m not sure how she’s still alive. It’s extremely upsetting to see how thin she is. I don’t understand how her body is still functioning. She’s severely damaged her organs, so much so that she’s no longer able to have children. She’s unable to lead an independent life, her parents care for her. She’s never been able to live on her own as an adult. Her family care about her very much, but they seem unable to get her some professional help.
We’ve spoken on and off over the years, and when I’m in town I go to visit her. I find the visits upsetting, but I want to support my best friend (J - her cousin). The family seem to put a lot of pressure on J to bring M along to social events, and a lot of people seem to have distanced themselves from both of them because of M’s behaviour.
I felt this was unfair, until I invited my best friend to visit my home for the weekend. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy at the time, and excited to share this with J. She asked if M could come, and I asked her if she was well enough and if we’d be able to keep her safe. J assured me that M was well enough to come, so I agreed.
I’m not sure if J is in denial and can’t accept the facts, or if she’s just completely overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to handle her cousin, but M is the most disturbed and mentally unwell person I’ve ever been around.
I’ve had my own struggles with mental health, and I firmly believe people shouldn’t be ostracised for being ill, but M is in desperate need of professional help and she’s extremely disturbed. Being pregnant I found it extremely stressful physically just being around her. I found myself locking myself in my room just to get away, at which point she started knocking on my door trying to talk to me. I felt unsafe.
M is very controlling, and not just with food. She doesn’t respect boundaries- wanting attention all the time. She tried to manipulate me into letting her stay longer, complained that I don’t contact her enough, and tried to get me to book a vacation with her. When I explained I didn’t want to travel due to pregnancy, she informed me you can still travel up 20 weeks and still expected me to book a trip. She’s completely delusional, swings wildly between mania and depression. Harasses staff in restaurants. She examined the contents of the fridge, cupboards and bins at both my house and my parent’s house, demanding to know what we were going to do with certain items of food.
The main issue is that she’s in complete denial that she has a problem and refusal that she needs help. She insists that she’s a ‘qualified nutritionist and neuroscientist’ (having studied this at uni)’ so apparently no mental health professional knows more about health than she does. She aggressively talks about food all the time, as if challenging you to say something. She seems to have a network of ‘pro-ED’ friends who she texts constantly and will back her up.
Worryingly, she seemed to want to come between me and J. We didn’t have the chance to talk at all, we were just trying to ‘handle’ the situation. After the weekend I was exhausted and angry. What was supposed to be a relaxing weekend with one of my best friends got completely derailed. J didn’t feel she could come to my baby shower unless M came with her, and I had to say no and go ahead without my J, as I wouldn’t have been able to relax with M there.
M now seems to think we’re close friends, and she keeps reminding me that I’m one of the only ones left. She’s bombarded me with messages on every platform- often sending me pictures of her daily meals (which she obsessively documents). I’ve asked her not to do this and gently explained several times that I’m not able to respond to her messages, and that I’d rather just come and see her when I’m next in town.
I feel I’m able to handle visiting her for an hour or so once or twice a year, but it’s upsetting to receive messages (they’re often controlling and manipulating in tone). I have a baby now, and I feel strongly that I want to keep our lives entirely separate from her manipulating influence, but I also don’t want to abandon her or stop supporting J. I understand that M’s illness is making her act this way, but she’s also way out of line.
I’ve tried blocking her on every channel of communication, but she always seems to find a way to get in touch with me. It’s exhausting.
I want to confront her and explain that I can’t be friends with someone who has a problem and refuses to get help. That her actions are hurting other people, and that I’m not going to allow her to cross boundaries and manipulate me.
She’s so aggressive and fragile though, I’m worried about how this will go down. I’m also worried about how this will impact my friendship with J. I’m getting married soon and I want J to be a bridesmaid, but again I don’t want M to come. J will accept this, but I can’t see this going down very well with M, who will no doubt demand an invite and use every trick in the book to make J feel guilty.
How do I protect myself and my friendship? How do I set healthy boundaries and stop M from contacting me without ghosting her completely? How do I handle this kindly?
Help and advice much appreciated, sorry for the long post xx