To want to see my parents without DB there...

[Cantaloupes]

My parents spend every weekend with DB.

DB: lives alone, unemployed, single, no children, and has several MH issues including bipolar and psychosis. He is also autistic. He can see my parents any day of the week but "prefers" to go to theirs all weekend, where DM waits on him hand and foot.

So I either don't see my parents at all on weekends, or I see them with him there.

In all honesty, I never relax in his presence. He's been restrained and sectioned twice and spent many months on psychiatric wards and warden assisted accommodation in the past. I have 3 DC, two of them girls, and DB likes to stroke their faces and tummy and tickle them and it is just - well.. weird to watch and feels so inappropriate. When I raise this with DM she is so defensive and thinks I'm being nasty and accusing him of stuff. She says i'm uncaring and it's "ok" for me because I have DH and DC whilst DB has nobody.

AIBU to ask them to see me and my family separately to DB?

@Cantaloupes

@Cantaloupes very similar experiences. I am afraid the only way to manage such a situation is therapy, including EMDR and very low contact with my parents. Their view that my siblings needs ALWAYS trump mine because he is disabled has done untold damage. You won’t change them. Actually, when I pulled back after a while they became more reasonable because I made it clear that I must have my needs, boundaries and terms respected or I will be NC. I have always been the one comprising and that had to stop. 3 years of therapy in my early 40s did the trick.

@Kafka999 thank you, it's nice to hear from
someone with a similar position. I hadn't considered therapy but that sounds helpful. Was therapy helpful in resolving the situation with your parents or coming to terms/dealing with the fact your needs were never as great as those of your sibling?

DH also thinks reducing my/our contact is probably the only way forward, so that hopefully they can miss their grandkids and us enough to change their ways. And more importantly it reduces conflict overall. But it's hard as I'm the only sibling and if my parents ever need help, they'll need me and DH and possibly our DC - DB won't be able to help.

Sorry, so does your DB live with your parents?

Sorry OP, I read your update that your parents were against the assisted living place and preferred him back home.

How close do they live to each other?

If your mum can’t be trusted to keep your kids safe then it’s for the best for you all to distance yourselves. She was provided options and made her decision not to visit you.

personally I’d leave it at that. Your brother sounds scary, and it’s good for all of you if he isn’t hanging around yours or having a relationship with your kids. Enjoy the distance and let your parents deal with him.

@Cm19841 my parents live very close to DB and also to us. Walking distance to both houses.

I’d not have my DC anywhere near any of them. They do not prioritise your, or your DC’s well-being and that would be it for me.