School mornings DH working from home

[barrymanilowspiano]

I have agreed with my other half who works from home that I’ll deal with the last 15 mins of getting the kids out the door in the morning as I’m the one who drives them to school. We agreed he can do the breakfast/lunches or anything beforehand if he wants but it’s easier if the one driving (always me) does check bags/shoes/car. I’ve said he can then get ready for work in peace.

We agreed this last night and this morning he's at the door repeating everything I say, getting involved in their arguments, looking for stuff, whatever the last minute drama is. He even gave a speech this morning about behaviour. One of the kids needs calm and simple as he gets overwhelmed and we’ve spoken about this which is why we chatted last night. I know he’s only trying to help but we agree and then he immediately reverts. Bad moods as there are too many conversations flying around!

He says I’m blaming him when things go wrong but he can’t pass the baton for the last few minutes. Is this normal lol. Who can relate?

He sounds infuriating and a control freak. He’s backseat driving your parenting when getting out the door is not a two parent job and he’d drive me insane. It shouldn’t require convoluted strategies and bags in cars the night before - if you and the kids are getting ready and he’s not involved then he needs to say goodbye and then get out the way. The time for lectures on behaviour is not as they’re going out the door in the morning.

I’d tell him he gets out the way or he takes on the whole responsibility for getting them to school - including sorting out whatever gets forgotten and (importantly) dealing with all the emotional fallout, calls from school etc because your child is upset and flustered in the morning. Either take on the whole job, or stop interfering with how someone else is doing it.

Far too complicated.. you go sit in the car until dh puts them in it. Win win.

He isn't "helping" any more than you are "helping" him by taking them to school - he is their father. If you are doing the packing up and getting out, driving to school why can't he make the packed lunches and check the uniform/bags etc the night before?

Strategic incompetence is a really annoying habit.

Bags packed the night before and tell husband that if he doesn't back tf off, he can do it all himself.

Me and DH do it so that he gets showered first (because it takes him like 5 mins) either me or him get son in school uniform, he takes him downstairs to do breakfast, I get up showered and ready come down and I brush sons teeth, get his shoes and coat on, and we both take him to school on way to work in same car. So, in short I guess we do a bit of both and have got into a routine with it. Maybe just cut the 15 minute handover thing and just do what needs doing?

Why can’t he make the packed lunches the night before if he is so keen to get involved?

They can make their own lunches - doesn’t need parents to do it for them. Mornings aren’t complicated - everyone gets themselves up and ready by a set time. Sounds like both parents are making it a stressful time.

So is he in the downstairs bathroom door shaving and talking to you and, as you said, giving speeches on behaviour to the kids, and repeating stuff you've said? Or is he at the front door? If the former, I'd simply close the bathroom door on him saying "all in hand, thanks for getting breakfasts and lunches sorted, you get yourself ready now"

I feel your pain - he thinks he's helping but he's already done his part of the morning routine and it's time for you to take over. And if there's an upstairs bathroom, tell him to shave upstairs instead (and move his shaving stuff there before you go to bed) once he's done his part with the breakfast and getting lunches ready, and leave you to do the "get out the door" bit?

Once his bit of the morning routine is done he needs to let you takeover the rest, or he can do it all if he wants...

Go and sit in the car and let him sort them out.

It does sound overly complicated. Pack bags the night before, sort the lunches bar the sandwich because that’s better made fresh on the morning but that takes 30 seconds to do alongside the toast for breakfast. Then it’s shoes on, grab bags and go? Not sure why it needs the overt involvement of 1 parent let alone 2.

Wish me DH would try do 2 things at once, we are currently working for the past 18 years at one thing at once 🙄 I do everything, he does nothing is the current arrangement 😡😡

Does he just need to get up earlier, to give himself time to get ready rather than rushing at the last minute?

I mean it's not rocket science, it sounds baffling the level of stress.

If you've both agreed that it's best for you to deal with the shoes, coats, bags on bit of it and he's standing there ordering them about I would say cheerfully 'ok, it doesn't need two of us to get them out of the door' and go and sit in the car and leave him to it.

I thought he was working from home?

Why not get kids to pack bags straight after homework the night before then it's just lunch to add?

Presumably he doesn't sit at the laptop butt naked and unshowered. Even if I do

Any sensible person would want to be well out of the way at that point of the morning wouldn't they? Tell him he either does the school run and you stay out of the way or vice versa.

No advice but just some sympathy, @barrymanilowspiano as my DH does a similar thing!

On the days he works in the office, I supervise DD (in Year 5) getting ready then he takes her to school (and vice versa for my days in the office). However, he sometimes checks up on how things are going when I’m supervising , or asks DD something that I’ve already asked her (have you put X in your bag/ have you brushed your teeth). She can get flustered and stressed in the mornings anyway, and the extra questions just add to that.

It’s tough, because I know that he’s trying to be helpful and make sure that it’s not just on me to remind DD that her homework is due/ she needs to return a form. I can’t complain about him taking on that bit of the ‘mental load’, can I! But it can derail the morning a little.

Sometimes I give him an update on progress if I spot him hovering so he doesn’t need to ask 😀

OP how old are your kids? Why is it so complicated?! I would hate waking up to this each morning. I have a baby I have to get ready as well as my self and the older ones sort themselves out.

Night before bags packed and out, PE kids out, snacks, shoes everything!

Kids wake up to an alarm, get dressed on their own- brush own teeth. I do their hair and ties, they literally get themselves ready and shoes and coats on. They know exactly what to do each day.

breakfast- have it in bowls the night before ready. Or grab a banana and out they go!

Sorry op but it does sound a bit over complicated. My husband also works from home and helps get the kids out the door/packed/in the car, shoes on etc. And I'm very happy that he does this. Struggling to see why he can't just help ?

I would think her husband needs to pull his finger out and grow up.

With children that age, other than make packed lunches, I'm not sure what you are actually doing

Older primary should be getting their own breakfast, dressed, teeth and stuff ready.

So you say we leave at 8.15 , or whenever, and then everyone just gets ready and leaves at that time.

I genuinely don't understand what two parents are doing with children of this age, other than a reminder about 5 minutes before leaving to put shoes on.

I've got the opposite.. my husband will happily lie in bed listening to my kids kicking off/missing the bus/ kicking me in the stomache while trying to dress them and do exactly fuck all to help

My dh works from home sometimes, he doesn’t get involved in the morning routine unless I tell him. We seem to get in with it like a well oiled machine. If he’s there I’ll tell him what needs doing, otherwise it’s the old adage ‘too many cooks’.

cigarettesNalcohol

Of course I am happy he wants to help. I'm just finding that one of my DC gets really flustered in the mornings recently. This manifests in him arguing with his sibling and that's when DH starts hovering as he wants to do 3 things, say his goodbye, sort out the argument himself and get himself presentable for Zoom calls all at the same time.

Yes thedishwasherbroke. It feels like too many cooks at the front door so I spoke to him and we agreed it's not a 2 person job.