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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exchange this gift/get refund?

66 replies

PussInBin20 · 26/11/2024 23:49

It feels like IABU as it seems a nice gift but what do you think?

About 3 weeks ago I saw that my necklace was gone from my neck - a gold chain with a small St. Christopher pendant on it. I was a bit upset as my DM got this for me 25 yrs ago as a gift before I went travelling for a few months - it felt like a good luck charm.

A couple of days later, the chain of the necklace weirdly turned up on my doorstep when I was cleaning my car, but there was a gap in a loop which is why the pendant fell off. I looked around but couldn’t find it in the house or outside so I gave up hope.

Then last week whilst sorting out some washing, out fell the St. Christopher. I was so happy it wasn’t lost and said so to DH as I felt it was extremely lucky to find both parts.

This week was my Birthday and DH had got me a new chain and new St Christopher (he obviously got it before my find).

However, I want to exchange/get a refund but DH is annoyed as he thinks the one he bought is better. Even though I explained why I was upset at losing the original in the first place, he doesn’t seem to understand that it was a meaningful gift to me/has sentimental value.

He then tried to diss the original necklace and said how he had spent £230 on this new one. This then annoyed me a bit because I always tell him I don’t need or want expensive jewellery (and never wear expensive items) as I prefer more simple stuff.
It just seemed to me like he spent that much for his benefit and not mine and he has a habit of always telling me how much he has spent which I find a bit off.

However it was more the fact that he just didn’t get why I wouldn’t want a new replica necklace - it wasn’t that I particularly loved that type of pendant, it was the meaning of it that meant something, and had memories for me. This is the reason it was special to me and so it couldn’t just be replaced with a newer (bigger) more expensive version.

He got annoyed that I wanted to swap it. But now I know how much he spent I am thinking of buying something completely different, like a picture or a floor lamp!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Poppins21 · 27/11/2024 05:01

Yes I am on team husband too. It was very sweet of him and you just trashed it. I would keep the one my Mum bought in a safe place and wear the one from DH as an everyday peice of jewellery.

PicturePlace · 27/11/2024 06:36

OP, it's more like you lost a card from the Queen, and then it was replaced with one from the King. Your DH should be an important person to you, too, and their gift should have equal sentimental value. You sound really mean, and you need to apologise.

sonjadog · 27/11/2024 06:44

Your analogy with the queen makes it sound like you don’t value your husband at all. Your Mum is the Queen and you husband is…. nothing really, as unimportant as a lamp. I can understand why he is so upset. You have been thoughtless and hurtful.

coffeesaveslives · 27/11/2024 06:50

Your poor husband! He did such a nice thing and you've just thrown it right back in his face.

YABVU - I hope you apologise.

GrumpyCactus · 27/11/2024 06:51

Wow I agree with others no wonder he's annoyed with you. He did a really thoughtful thing and you would have most likely been posting saying how lovely it was had you not found your mum's st Christopher.

Do you honestly not see how telling him it's not wanted and you'd instead prefer a bloody lamp is rude and hurtful?

Keep the one your mum gave you in a jewelery box so you can no longer lose it or put her st Christopher on his chain and apologise to the poor bloke asap for being so thoughtless.

severyyhv · 27/11/2024 07:06

I genuinely don't understand people who make buying a gift for someone about themselves? Surely the purpose of gift buying is to give pleasure to another person. Why would anyone want someone to keep a gift they didn't want?

Rocknrollstar · 27/11/2024 07:35

Poor man - he was honestly trying to do a nice thing and it is rejected.

Hallamlass · 27/11/2024 07:38

Your husband did a kind and thoughtful thing. I think you've been a bit thoughtless and rude. Save the sentimental one in a box.
Wear the one from your husband.
When someone goes to this kind of trouble, just appreciate it.

PixieLaLar · 27/11/2024 07:46

PicturePlace · 27/11/2024 06:36

OP, it's more like you lost a card from the Queen, and then it was replaced with one from the King. Your DH should be an important person to you, too, and their gift should have equal sentimental value. You sound really mean, and you need to apologise.

This.

coffeesaveslives · 27/11/2024 07:56

severyyhv · 27/11/2024 07:06

I genuinely don't understand people who make buying a gift for someone about themselves? Surely the purpose of gift buying is to give pleasure to another person. Why would anyone want someone to keep a gift they didn't want?

It's her attitude that's callous not the fact that she doesn't necessarily want the necklace.

Calamitousness · 27/11/2024 08:03

I think keep both. Your mums is fragile, maybe wear for occasions you need to feel her near and wear dh necklace everyday as it’s bigger, newer and presumably more robust. I think his thinking was good. He probably is just a bit upset at his gift not going down as well but am sure he understands the sentiment behind og gift. We all would. If he doesn’t you’ve got bigger problems than which necklace to wear.

SadSandwich · 27/11/2024 08:13

You owe ur OH an apology

Onthesideofthespiders · 27/11/2024 08:31

All these replies are just stupid.

Yes, it WAS a lovely caring gift when the other one was lost. But you found it before he gave this gift and he knew you never needed or wanted a replacement before. It would never be something you would want to change out for a new one so once you found it, he should have returned his one instead of still giving it to you. What’s he’s done is try to make you now choose between them. A gift is about the person receiving it, not the person giving it. He did a lovely thing when it was lost, but now that it isn’t, he needs to understand that OP doesn’t want a new one. She wants to wear the one from her mum without her husband getting huffy that she isn’t wearing his, or isn’t choosing him over her mum, or isn’t valuing his gift.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/11/2024 08:32

severyyhv · 27/11/2024 07:06

I genuinely don't understand people who make buying a gift for someone about themselves? Surely the purpose of gift buying is to give pleasure to another person. Why would anyone want someone to keep a gift they didn't want?

in this case it was a gift that represents DHs love and sympathy and he’s upset at that being rejected.

Onthesideofthespiders · 27/11/2024 08:33

It’s not a thoughtful gift if you make someone feel bad for not wearing it, or act like they’re disloyal or like they’re choosing someone else over you. He wants her to now put her mum’s aside and wear his. That’s not a gift. That’s a guilt trip.

Onthesideofthespiders · 27/11/2024 08:35

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/11/2024 08:32

in this case it was a gift that represents DHs love and sympathy and he’s upset at that being rejected.

Show quote history

No, he wants her to now not bother wearing her mum’s because he thinks his is better and is obsessed with how it cost a lot more. He isn’t thinking about the reasons the OP loves this necklace, or what makes her happy. He is using a gift to put himself above that because his “is better” so she should wear that regardless of the reasons she loves the one she has.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/11/2024 08:38

It’s true that he doesn’t understand her about his. It’s a mutual misunderstanding.

Catza · 27/11/2024 09:03

PussInBin20 · 27/11/2024 00:30

Well no, sorry. Are you really saying that you would love the Birthday card your DH got you as a replacement to the one The Queen sent, in the same way?

Show quote history

No, OP. I would love the new card as it indicates the love my husband feels for me to have gone to this much trouble to make me feel better. The new card, therefore would acquire an important sentimental meaning in itself as a token of my husband's love. But if you want a floor lamp, that's your prerogative.

thinkingmenomore · 27/11/2024 09:07

I think he was trying to do something really kind and thoughtful and I think you are in wrong here.
Sorry op just my opinion but it has come across very ungrateful which probably isn't what you intended.

thinkingmenomore · 27/11/2024 09:09

You should have appreciated finding one your mum got you but also enjoyed wearing the one your oh got you.
You have made this into more than it was where your oh was trying to do something really nice.

KeenCat · 27/11/2024 09:16

I have a very sentimental necklace that I would be devastated to lose. It has a very distinctive design.

If I lost it and my OH bought a replacement one I would appreciate the thought, but it wouldn't really replace the old one as it's not about the design, it's about the history. Therefore if the old one was suddenly found the new one would become obselete.

So I get it. But I think asking to swap it for a picture or a floor lamp is a bit awkward and insensitive. If he can't get his money back, I would suggest either swapping it for something for himself, or swapping it out for another piece of jewellery that isn't a like for like version of a sentimental piece you already have.

CandleStub · 27/11/2024 09:21

Best outcome would have been to celebrate finding the old one and the loveliness of him buying you the new one by wearing both, either alternately or together. They both have meaning and the story of the first one being lost and refound while he bought the new one is very sweet.

You’ve both slightly marred this by talking about refunds and him saying his is better than your mum’s. But you can still salvage it by saying that on reflection you would like to keep both. That’s what I would do.

Pistachiochiochio · 27/11/2024 09:23

PussInBin20 · 27/11/2024 00:07

I agree that’s what he was probably thinking, that it was a good idea to replace it but I think he is the thoughtless one for not understanding the sentiment 🤷‍♀️

To me it’s like if you got sent a Birthday card from The Queen (the previous one) but lost it and then he buys me another Birthday card with a similar picture on the front for example, it just wouldn’t really be the same.

Show quote history

Not the same but you wouldn't trash the card your husband bought you to replace the one you were sad about losing.

coffeesaveslives · 27/11/2024 10:05

No, he wants her to now not bother wearing her mum’s because he thinks his is better and is obsessed with how it cost a lot more. He isn’t thinking about the reasons the OP loves this necklace, or what makes her happy. He is using a gift to put himself above that because his “is better” so she should wear that regardless of the reasons she loves the one she has.

What a cynical way of looking at things!

Maybe he's hurt because he tried to do a nice thing and his wife has just thrown it back in his face and told him she'd rather have a lamp instead 🙄

I bet that if OP never found the original, she would love the gift.

coffeesaveslives · 27/11/2024 10:06

KeenCat · 27/11/2024 09:16

I have a very sentimental necklace that I would be devastated to lose. It has a very distinctive design.

If I lost it and my OH bought a replacement one I would appreciate the thought, but it wouldn't really replace the old one as it's not about the design, it's about the history. Therefore if the old one was suddenly found the new one would become obselete.

So I get it. But I think asking to swap it for a picture or a floor lamp is a bit awkward and insensitive. If he can't get his money back, I would suggest either swapping it for something for himself, or swapping it out for another piece of jewellery that isn't a like for like version of a sentimental piece you already have.

I don't understand why the new one would become obsolete - if the original has sentimental value, why can't the new one?