DS15 just gets into bed after school

[Crazystupidlove55]

What are your teenage sons doing after school, I know they need extra sleep, but he wants/tries to do this most days…for an hour or two, then he won’t sleep til late, and he’s rubbish in the mornings.

I need advice on getting him out of this, he has a gym membership, he has a fairly new gf he goes for walks with here and there, he’s annoyed with mocks he’s just finished as I don’t think he’s done as well as he’d hoped. He sometimes walks the dog, and he sort of keeps his room tidy…

He’s so grumpy and teenage!
AIBU? Should I leave him to it?

OP do you actually see him before he disappears to bed after school? Reason I ask is the only teenage boys I knew to do this were the ones smoking massive joints on the way home from school… Likewise the magical late night walks where they’d stay out just long enough so the smell would go.

Oh and if he’s calling you things like that - the phone goes entirely until he can stop being a nasty gobshite.

I came to say this.

When I first read your post, I thought glandular fever. I had it at that age and would literally fall asleep sitting up. It also made me grumpy as my tolerance levels were so low. Other thoughts were that his circadian rhythms are seriously out of whack, late nights and blue light will do that. But I have to say I think the PP could have a point with her smoking joints observation.

Either way, stay strong, because he needs you to whether he sees it or not.

He’s really kicking off still. My partner has tried telling him not to try intimidating me and standing over me. He’s trying to comment on every weakness possible to hurt me.

He’s saying he’ll call his dad to come and get him, but his dad won’t, and he’s 45 mins away so not ideal for school tomorrow.

I hate this age.

I phoned my brother, he also said maybe he’s smoking something. I really don’t think he is.

So sorry you’re going through this. How about sending him a message, explain you’re worried about him, want to help him with whatever is bothering him, help him play the long game about school and maximise his potential , get him help if he needs it with tutoring or whatever. Make sure he knows the name calling hurts your feelings.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. The misogyny he’s using in his insults to you, and the fact that he’s trying to physically intimidate you, is really quite worrying. I’d be concerned that he’s accessing anti-women content online.

I have done a lot of messaging through Snapchat, sometimes I’ve screenshot it if it’s a nice message trail. I always tell him I love him. I am always proud of him. I don’t think I’ve been strict enough.

I have offered tutors for subjects - but he’s declined this and reckons he knows he will pass, he doesn’t want to go for higher grades just a pass/4/5…

He stopped playing football nearly a year ago, and the gym hasn’t really been a huge deal for him - he has to get a bus there and he just can’t be bothered I don’t think.

It’s a very difficult age at this point. Try to diffuse the situation, everyone go to bed. I think you’re doing well I would have raged which would make it worse

I have told him, shouted, to just go to his room. Or sit down so he’s not trying to stand over me.

and I’ve cried, because it’s really getting to me. I have recently started antidepressants.

I’m so sorry. Dealing with this as a single parent is so tough. DS and I had some arguments last few weeks (admittedly I didn’t handle well) - I could have done with some support from his dad, but he didn’t. Look after yourself. If he can go to his dad’s do something for you. I think it’s good for them to see we have our own interests too

DS16 doesn’t sleep when he gets home, he’s straight on the gaming, tbf he doesn’t game after 10, he has asd so his routine for the last 4 years has been in bed by 10, sometimes he says he just lays there staring at the ceiling. Tryna wake him in the morning is like Tryna wake a lion. He struggles so much. He doesn’t have to be at college until 9.30 but has to leave at 8.30 to catch bus.

I don’t really have interests. I need some, I seem to just work and deal with home stuff. He can’t go to his dads, he’s 50 mins away and wouldn’t be ideal for school tomorrow. He’s going at the weekend.

I think it would be obvious if he was smoking joints. The smell gets fecking everywhere. But maybe he’s better at hiding it than my brother was!

Even just meeting a friend or something. It’s been getting a bit fraught with me and DS during exams and it’s good for me and him to remember my life isn’t exclusively to do with his life.

I have a 13 year old so a bit younger to be fair and he might change but as of now, he isn't going straight to bed! He is definitely getting a bit grumpier but he tends to hang out with friends, go to swimming, basketball/other clubs and if not, he'll go on a walk or literally just hang out with us. He doesn't like being cooped up in his room but he loves sleeping a lot - just hates naps! We don't actually control screen time for him because he is good with keeping off it but even if we did, he wouldn't be swearing at me like that. If he does swear at us, he gets into a lot of trouble because that's just not okay. I'm really sorry OP.

I have 2 daughters in Year 11 and I know the pressure can get to them and they can get snappy but he is being really awful right now.

He thinks he can punish me and blame me, as we moved house almost two years ago, we moved in with my partner, and he has two children too.

I always needed a nap after school as I found it exhausting. One of my kids was the same, funnily he said the other day that all his uni flatmates often have daytime naps. I've never made anything of it, as I don't see an issue, unless you think there is a health problem.
Rudeness isn't acceptable though, either to you or his teachers, not sure of the connection with screen time though, he'll be 16 soon and needs to be self regulating that.

Have just read your updates after I posted. I'm sorry OP, that kind of intimidating behaviour is awful and he shouldn't be getting away with it.
I would wonder if he was smoking something or taking something, you mentioned the gym - is he trying to bulk up as steroids can cause volatile behaviour? Or has he learnt this behaviour from his Dad?

Sleep schedules are difficult for teens. Evolution means they find it difficult to go to sleep for the night until around 1am, and naturally want to stay asleep until 10am. However they need to be up earlier than this for school. You can't change what time they have to wake up for school so all you can do is try to make sure they have good sleep hygiene. Teens need around 9 hours sleep a night ideally (more than when they were a little younger), so if they are up at 6, that means going to sleep around 9pm in an ideal world. To try and make this easier, no screens (phones, computer, TV) for at least 2 hours before they should be asleep (so 7pm!), try to get them to exercise after school, eat an evening meal fairly early, get homework done and then have a warm bath and warm milky drink, read a book and go to bed by 9pm. Not easy! We struggle as there aren't enough hours after school for extra curricular activities (mainly sport), homework and getting to sleep on time. Minimal time for socialising in the evenings on school days other than at extra curricular activities. We make sure phones are disabled after 8pm and phones stay out of bedrooms. We have always done this so there is no argument. Doesn't make us popular, but we are parents, not a friends! Weekends are for lie ins, but with sports they lie ins aren't long enough.

Also although phone shuts down at 8am, we also have a 2 hour time limit on it for the day. Laptop has an additional 2 hours for homework.

No he’s not taking any steroids, he just wants to be muscular and put on weight. But he’s only been a handful of times recently. He and his friends tried to get into boxing at the gym, but he was having bloody nose from it as they were just fighting each other and thinking it’s cool.

He never saw his dad’s behaviour toward me, he wasn’t overly violent but there were a couple of horrid incidents. We split when ds was 3 or 4. Ex has been off drugs and alcohol for just over 5 years. I text him last night but he just doesn’t respond immediately, he never has been reliable like that. Sometimes he’s phoned son and told him to behave himself and stop being rude etc. he has come to ours to speak with him once or twice and thinks he’s the saviour.

Last night, we did all just go to bed. DS just gave up after crying and calling me the c word. Not looking forward to waking him shortly.

My friend had a very similar situation with her teenage son, the shouting, coming up in her face, (even the evening walks where sometimes he didn't come back for ages) in the end she had to explain to him (when things were calm) that if she felt threatened in her own home again, she would have to call the police - for everyones safety. It was absolutely her last resort and it broke her heart, but it really shocked him that she would do this. He is still challenging but he has backed off slightly. The problem is if he called your bluff, you would absolutely need to follow through.

A word of warning on the amateur boxing/mma/muay thai worlds. They are rife with class A drugs. I was part of that world for many years and it was one of the reasons I left in the end.