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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want anyone to harm my baby!!

29 replies

mummyinlove · 28/04/2008 22:23

I am fed up with clumsy relatives (in law)tripping up and down the stairs while carrying my baby! Then still insisting on carrying him around as they seem to think their egos are more important than his safety.
Has anyone got any ideas on how I can politely keep him out of harms way without coming across as a neureotic, control freak!
My sister-in-law is a bit 'slow' and also upsets baby by being a little rough with him, pulling him about etc.. Do I hurt her feelings or just make sure I'm always there...

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/04/2008 22:37

maybe learn some tact when describing your dear relatives.Harsh to call someone a bit slow.Keep talkin like that and i dont imagine you will have a stampede of helpers at your door.Sheesh

amytheearwaxbanisher · 28/04/2008 22:38

you could do as i did with ds[pfb]and just tell people how you feel although my gran said "shes like a rothweiller over that baby!"no one else seemed to mind your lo is more important then peoples feelings although ds was only 5lbs 3onces so i was very fretful but thats a mummys job imo

DirtySexyMummy · 28/04/2008 22:45

You are going to struggle to not come across as neurotic and a control freak, because in the nicest possible way, you are being one.

Carrying babies around very rarely results in them being harmed. babies are much tougher than they look. Not sure why you would think it is their egos? maybe they love him and want to be close to him?

Your sister in law is a bit 'slow'? Not an appropriate thing to say, BTW.

cat64 · 28/04/2008 23:25

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bearmama · 29/04/2008 00:34

As a fellow neurotic with a PFB I do empathise, I get freaked out carrying DD on the stairs myself, I would hate it if anyone else did it!
If I were you I would try "babywearing" ie a sling so you keep your DS close to you. In the meantime do you have immediate family who can act as a buffer ie a mum or sister who you trust with the baby?

Hecate · 29/04/2008 08:06

Have any of them actually fallen or injured the baby? Have they tripped over and had to steady themselves? If they have, is this a regular thing? Because if people were taking the baby up and down stairs and if every time - or even sometimes - when they did so, they tripped on the stairs and fell, or nearly fell, or cried out or stumbled, then it would be entirely reasonable of you to say "Look, on 7 (or whatever) different occasions, you have fallen on the stairs while holding my baby. I am sorry, but it is too dangerous because you keep falling. I am going to have to insist that you do not carry him up the stairs."

If, OTOH, they are just holding him and haven't tripped or stumbled or anything, but it just looks to you like there's the possibility that could happen, well, that's you being PFB about it! Anyone can stumble - even you. So if there's a history of it actually happening, then use that as evidence, if there's no history but you are building up a scenario in your mind of your vulnerable PFB being in the arms of someone who isn't you, and because of that, some dreadful harm will come to them..you need to chill out!

noddyholder · 29/04/2008 08:07

few people fall with babies they have been being carried around by relatives and friends for years Chill out and be glad you have people who want to visit and be part of your baby's life

VacantlyPretty · 29/04/2008 08:13

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misdee · 29/04/2008 08:21

i fell over when carrying dd2 when she was a few weeks old. but instinct meant that i fell hurting myself and actually held dd2 safely to me protecting her.

JoyS · 29/04/2008 08:48

Get a sling and wear your baby all the time you're around them. If they ask to hold him, say "he's happy here, I don't want to disturb him." I'm quite protective about my FIL touching my DD (and she's 2!) as he doesn't wash, ever. Once he went to pat her head and I instinctively did a sort of duck and cover. Felt very rude afterwards but also happy that he hadn't touched her!

'Slow' perhaps isn't the best way to describe someone, but if you're not happy with the way someone holds him, say so! Say "don't pull his arm like that!" Or whatever they're doing. You might come across as overprotective but so what? He's your baby, you know what's best for him.

I don't think you're BU.

lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 09:25

My MIL has this thing that the minute she gets her hand on a baby she has to wind it, not in a nice comfy head over shoulder way either, sort of balanced on knee in a strangle hold, i remember her doing this to DD, i could only stand it for about a minute before i retreived her.

Bit slow?? Judgemental imo and not very kind.

Trolleydolly71 · 29/04/2008 09:40

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Papillon · 29/04/2008 09:46

It is normal to be protective of your baby, allow yourself to be protective, but try and relax too. Agree about the sling, its a good trick !

Perhaps you could say you would like to carry up and down the stairs if they trip, and state that firmly in a matter of fact way, which helps you get some protection but still allows them a chance to hold him. Quite normal behaviour to want to hold a baby not just for "ego". Maybe you got some issues with your inlaws that make you feel this way?

Original poster
mummyinlove · 29/04/2008 09:59

'Bit slow' was a terribe thing to say, feel very ashamed!
She is great with baby- making him laugh and means well but just yanks him about a bit or picks him up by the elbows, she also gets annoyed with him if he doesn't smile.( and yes she did fall down the stairs with him, but he was alright. )

I know I should apprieciate all this love and attention baby gets, just hate feeling slightly sick when stairs are looming! (We troop up and down stairs to change baby, which is a regular occerance on a day visits- their house and ours. )

Thank you for comments, both understanding ones and telling me off- I feel awful and very disloyal!

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 29/04/2008 10:06

Change him on the floor downstairs then it won't be an issue.

kitbit · 29/04/2008 19:28

Get a sling. People seem to think it's OK to take a baby away from mummy's arms (especially relatives) but I have yet to meet anyone with enough balls to go digging about in a sling to hoik the baby out!

cat64 · 29/04/2008 19:40

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reikizen · 29/04/2008 19:44

God, I'm forever tripping up and down stairs with my two. Only seem to hurt myself though thank goodness! Perhaps I'm a bit slow too!

BitLessTiredNow · 29/04/2008 19:49

move a change station and a cot downstairs (it can be a travel cot) then you can sidestep the whole situation. I kind of symphasthise, as when ds 1 was tiny, I used to have to place my foot deliberatly at the back of each step, I was so scared I was going to trip

FourPlusOne · 29/04/2008 20:03

I didn't like the thought of anyone else taking mine up and down the stairs when they were tiny either. DHs aunt is one of those who will grab the baby and then 'take them on a walk' to another room. Just before DC1 was born she had a blackout and fell (she is quite old) and she still did this. I would never have done that with someone elses baby if I thought I might be prone to doing this. Needless to say, I would be unable to concentrate on the conversation in the room when she was out of sight, and listening out for her!!

My teenage nephew was throwing my DS (when aged 6 months) in the air and caught him badly. I thought he was going to drop him. I was in a room full of DHs relatives and it was difficult to just say 'can you please not do that'.

When they were little and if left with in laws for a couple of hours I would just leave the nappies/changing gear downstairs to avoid trips upstairs. Also if they were babysitting in the evening and had to put them to bed I would just ask them to not bring them downstairs again if they woke as it made them alert again, and just to feed/comfort them in the bedroom! I probably sound incredibly neurotic now!

EffiePerine · 29/04/2008 20:06

changing mat and spare clothes etc. downstairs. Sorted

Bedbug · 29/04/2008 20:17

What's wrong with saying she's slow? If she's slow, she's slow. Totally reasonable to be worried. I have a relative that's a bit slow and she looks at my kids weirdly every time she sees them. She's clumsy and backward. I fret. I don't let her alone with them. Are some of you seriously saying that it's ok for this person to fall down stairs with this woman's baby and for her not to worry subsequently? Are you mad?

onepieceoflollipop · 29/04/2008 20:22

Bedbug the word slow is not very kind, incidentally I personally don't like the word backward either. The op has already said she feels "ashamed" to have used that word, describing that she feels "terrible" about it. We can assume she didn't mean slow in the usual sense of the work - i.e. a woman who doesn't move very quickly.

Do you possibly mean that your relative isn't particularly self aware. Or that she has a learning disability? Those terms would not only be kinder and more appropriate, but also perhaps describe more accurately what your relative is like.

Bedbug · 29/04/2008 20:34

Well I don't think it's a question of being kind or not kind. I think she has a learning disability. Her own parents think not. To me she seems mentally slow. That is simply a description. I don't think it makes it any better or more accurate or more appropriate to describe her otherwise.

NotABanana · 29/04/2008 20:37

Don't let her pick the child up by his elbows. Under the armpits while supporting the head is better.