Narcissistic personality disorder

[mummabearxoo]

How does one attempt to help someone with Narcissistic personality disorder..

I've watched my husband grow from a boy to a man, once apon a time he was normal and with adulthood he just got worse and worse. This is a mentally deluded man who truly believes he is the gift of good, he sees himself as an extremely important person who no one can live without, he's super hot headed and you have to watch your words when in conversation with him because somehow he turns every comment into a negative. He believes there's no one out there quite like him and everyone should be lucky to have him, however he also has good traits he is very caring and protective to the people he loves, he is a great dad and his ways never actually show around the children. He's has just lost the last good friend he has because of the bullshit he spews, he cannot be told, he is always right, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. I believe he is mentally unwell. You may think I'm a fool for wanting to help but I'm the only person this man has left. Is it a lost cause, is there a way to help?

Oh, and make sure you and the DC are protected financially. He will use that against you both.

Well in that case why on earth are you staying with him. With an official diagnosis he's not going to change is he? Get the hell out before yoy and your dc get really damaged.

Everyone who is saying LTB…I left a narcissist (not diagnosed but showing every classic sign). Be VERY careful. It’s very likely that once you leave, he will show his true self and unleash hell. Once he can’t touch you anymore (controlling you financially, via protracted divorce proceedings etc etc) he will use the children. He will likely go for 50:50 time with them, which means they are exposed to him without your protection.

I would get some support for yourself from someone very experienced in NPD and get prepared to leave. Line up therapy for the children. Leaving is not an easy road but it may be the right one ultimately.

This!

i spent 26 years with narcissistic H. like you I’m a really caring empathetic person. I was so convinced that with my love, understanding and help I could ‘cure’ him. I wasted the best years of my life trying and failing. I now see how arrogant I was to think I could have any influence over someone who has a deeply entrenched personality disorder. Counselling is ineffective and can often make them worse. Research anything by Dr Ramani Durvasula and Sam Vaknin. There’s many other experts.

Caring people have a need to be a ‘rescuer’ which ultimately makes you vulnerable to this type of abuse. I recommend therapy.

I would leave OP. It takes a lot to get a diagnosis of NPD in the UK because there are no treatment programmes. I am interested in this area and there is some promising results in treatment in the US, for which I have received training, but frustratingly there are no programmes being run in the UK. He isn’t accepting he needs help and he will just get worse.

Your husband has been diagnosed with NPD. You need to understand he isn’t a “great dad” or a very caring person. He hasn’t got the capacity to care about anyone other than himself.

What he will be expert at however is lying, pretending and FAKING being a ‘great dad’ - and you admit “when the kids are around it's almost like a show”.
This is because it is a show.

Narcissists are imposters, playing a role, pretending to be caring, charming people. They are devoid of empathy. He will see you and his children (and anyone else in his life) as a player in his fantasy. A cardboard cutout of who he needs you to be, not who you really are.

While you and your children play the roles he has assigned to you things will be relatively ok. But any deviation from the required behaviour will be taken as a massive hurt, threat, and above all disloyal insult to him at the very core of his being. You will be severely punished.

A family member of mine has the misfortune to be co-parenting with one of these creatures and it is a constant living nightmare. He has charmed SS so has lots of unsupervised contact with his children and free rein to emotionally wound them with impunity.

You can’t fix him, he won’t change and as you have already noted, he is getting worse. That is the only change he is capable of, further deterioration into his disorder.

Find out all you can about NPD and be ready to take any action you can to protect your children. With a formal diagnosis you might be able to ensure he gets minimal contact.

Imho he shouldn’t be anywhere near them. Ever.

What ever the diagnosis - as some opinions differ on here - it's hard continually walking on eggshells.

Reading comments from those involved in working with people with particular personalities diagnosis isn't an exact science.

Curing them - the first part of any personality modification is the realisation that there may be a problem.

I think you need to ask for professional advice as to how to approach suggesting therapy.

What was his reaction on losing his best friend? Did that cause any reflection on his part?

After many years, I realised that my STBEXH saw me as a piece on his chess board. I certainly wasn't his queen. I was his property. Think about his behaviours from this point of view.

Once you tow the line and behave correctly to facilitate his life, then all is well. When you exert your own feelings, opinions, then these types don't like it.

Be very careful OP.

Your husband needs therapy.

This is going to get a lot worse as the children reach more oppositional teenage years.

It sounds like he won't go.

You aren't going to be able to stop the impact he has on them just by splitting up. He will still see the kids and in fact will be more inclined and able to manipulate them without your presence.

You need to read up on code pendency. You seem to think its your role to fix him. It isn't. And that attitude is likely enabling him.

What contact do kids have with aunts uncles and grandparents?

You can stay with him but you need to build for yourself and kids a broad and deep network of people who aren't connected to your husband.

Narcissistic parents don't struggle with little ones. They tend to kick in as children achieve teenage years and are making their own decisions and existing as their own people. So you need to start planning for that whether or not you stay with him.

What will happen is he'll find a replacement for you, probably very quickly - this type always do. Probably one who considers herself to have an extremely caring personality, and thinks only she can save him, and doesn't stop to consider that if there's no-one else who wants anything to do with him, there's probably a reason.

For the genuine narcissist man, women are basically interchangeable, as long as it's the right kind of woman. And they can spot the right kind at a hundred paces.

I wish my Mum had left my narcissistic Dad. It didn’t end well for either of us.

Hard agree. They'll keep dragging you through the courts to punish you though, be prepared. Protect your peace.

In my experience and research NPD can’t be cured. It stes from some kind of deep psychological childhood trauma in most cases and occasionally people have a predisposition to it. I wasted 30 years of my life on a Covid narcissist who appeared to be a wonderful father, but spent his life Manipulating diminishing and gaslighting. I’m so glad I threw him out and got free..
The damage done to children brought up around this kind of character is horrific honestly if you believe he’s narcissist you know stop enabling him and get free
my ex presented as a lovely father looking back now I realise how controlling manipulative and diminishing he was , the act was of caring etc I didn’t see it when in it years of coercive abuse now trying to pick up the pieces with 20 year old who’s completely broken by the whole thing to say nothing of the wasted years of my own life get off rid of this arse hole trust me it always gets worse arsehole live free

And this ‘protection’ of you manifests as angry controlling behaviour, yes?

You leave him. He’s abusive and your children are being affected, despite the delusion that they’re not.

I think what a lot of people don’t understand is that you can’t and don’t always want to abandon your loved one with a personality disorder. I have experience with this and have minimal contact with one PD person and actively have a relationship with another. I would not have chosen to have them in my life but here we are. There is a good book by Valerie Porr on BPD with much great material on validation and radical compassion; and therapeutic modalities. I will say that you need a lot of inner strength and to find emotional support from other people (friends and family) as it doesn’t work to lean on them for support as a general rule.

Your children are young. They will become more aware as they grow.