Narcissistic personality disorder

[mummabearxoo]

How does one attempt to help someone with Narcissistic personality disorder..

I've watched my husband grow from a boy to a man, once apon a time he was normal and with adulthood he just got worse and worse. This is a mentally deluded man who truly believes he is the gift of good, he sees himself as an extremely important person who no one can live without, he's super hot headed and you have to watch your words when in conversation with him because somehow he turns every comment into a negative. He believes there's no one out there quite like him and everyone should be lucky to have him, however he also has good traits he is very caring and protective to the people he loves, he is a great dad and his ways never actually show around the children. He's has just lost the last good friend he has because of the bullshit he spews, he cannot be told, he is always right, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. I believe he is mentally unwell. You may think I'm a fool for wanting to help but I'm the only person this man has left. Is it a lost cause, is there a way to help?

So you view him has protective and caring as long as it's only him dishing out the abuse to you. I think you need therapy to help guide what you view as acceptable before your children carry on that mentality.

I disagree that narcissists are capable of love. They are capable or adoration, obsession, limerance etc but the conditional, transactional nature of it means it is superficial and can disappear in a second. It's not love, but it can look and feel like it.

He is only 27 it's was 2016-17 when he was receiving support

There is nothing you can do. People with NPD never change because they can't self-reflect or accept that there might be something wrong with them.

I would not stay in this marriage and as other have said I would be concerned as to how your husband would react when your kids grow into teenagers.

I have an extremely caring personality, although a lot of people on this thread advise dropping and running, this man is the man I have seen at his worst and best I have seen him "better" and a good person. I don't know if my conscience can take leaving him with absolutely no one and knowing the farther of my children will further decline and god knows what will happen to him.

Yes, I think you are right. I guess being made to believe that you are truly loved, for that one moment, is another manipulative tactic. Yes, every thing is conditional with them.

It got worse and worse and I divorced mine in the end.

Was it diagnosed by a Psychiatrist? Loads of Psychiatric nurses and quack therapists think they can diagnose these things but they do more harm than good with their quackery!

@MyHonestEagle is a line was ever crossed with my kids and if like you say my kids do become aware of him it's a different story of course my children will always come first. I suppose I'm trying to see if there is any way through this before my child reach that age and become more aware. So they can have there dad around

That’s not about you that about him .
You are his wife his property . If he let anyone hurt you or disrespect you then it looks bad on him .

I can’t say strongly enough to leave.
Even a counsellor will tell you that it would take many years to help a narcassist , and I believe that’s a nice way of saying they will never change.
Because they won’t . They don’t want to .
The way they live works for them , they don’t care about anyone else . As you have pointed out he is of the greatest importance . He is what matters in life. .
@mummabearxoo please put your kids first and you deserve happiness too .

@MyHonestEagle as I've said already my children do not see his behaviours. My trying to fix my family or at least try before completely giving up

Well he needs to get therapy for his diagnosed conditions, or you leave. Or you put up with it and cause you and your children emotional harm.

For me, if he wasn’t willing to engage in therapy then I’d leave. But I have been accused of having narcissistic traits in the past, so my cut and dry approach to leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve me might be influenced by that…

You don’t help him. You can’t. As far as he’s concerned, he’s perfect so why does he need to change.

Read this:

“Signs of a Narcissistic Father
A narcissistic father isn’t capable of a traditional parent-child relationship, as they lack the capacity to offer their children consistent encouragement and support. They are far too focused on their own needs to be attentive to their children’s.
Some of the most common signs of a narcissistic father are:

• Exhibiting charisma and relishing the spotlight
• Not being home a lot, due to needing more attention and admiration from strangers, acquaintances, and colleagues than from his family
• Displaying a preoccupation with success or power
• Doing activities that he enjoys, but taking little interest in what the family enjoys
• Disregarding others’ boundaries
• Reacting to even slight criticism by shaming, humiliating, or raging, sometimes to extremes
• Being aloof and unsympathetic, but highly sensitive to his own pain
• Taking advantage of others for his own good, even* *exploiting them when it suits him“

Then read this:

Growing Up With A Narcissistic Parent

Yeah I had to leave because it was affecting the kids badly from about the age of 8 or 9. @Lolapusht ‘s post was spot on.. They are not capable of being parents and in fact they see the kids as simply extensions of themselves.

This just sounds like an entirely dysfunctional relationship. You got together and had children very young in a relationship which sounds immature and problematic right from the start and come across as co-dependent. You don’t need to come up with various diagnoses you think he has: you’re both miserable and your relationship isn’t working any better now than it ever has. You don’t need any other reason to end a relationship, you really don’t. And he’ll be absolutely fine if you leave. Lots of people say that their life will be over and they won’t cope if their partner leaves - but guess what, virtually all of them do. They get over it, they move on, they meet somebody else. Stop centring yourself in this mess and do what’s best for both of you and your poor children.

Huh? Why would the diagnosis have been in the 90s? Where does it say OP's husband is 50?

Wow a lot of brutal replies so far.

I work in this field. NPD is rarely diagnosed in the NHS so I’m surprised that he got that diagnosis. Most “difficult” personalities are just labelled BPD in women and often antisocial PD in men (though a lot of men also get it he BPD label). I’ve rarely seen clinicians properly diagnose personalities disorders and just do it off their gut instinct but that’s a separate topic.

True NPD can indeed be treated. It’s tough because it requires the buy in of the patient but there’s studies showing decent success rates with things like mentalisation based therapy.

Often, people with NPD strongly desire an attractive partner as that is a way of showing others that they themselves are amazing if they can have an attractive partner on their arm. This can lead to them manipulating their partners into feeling that they must stay with them. It sounds like that might be happening with you on a subconscious or unconscious level.

Other posters are right, your kids will be affected. The rates of personality disorder in children with a parent with a PD is very high. It is important to be mindful of this and if you choose to stay with him then please make provisions to offer your children early support should they start to struggle. Be vigilant for their sakes.

If he really is a confirmed narcissist, then you need to be researching narcissism, not posting on here. The reality is that as personality disorders go, narcissism is one of the most difficult to deal with because the fundemental thing that makes someone a narcissist is an inability to take any responsibility or accountability for their actions and a disordered way of viewing the world and the people around him.

Narcissists often land up with very emphathetic and caring people whojust want to help them. But rational discussions and arguments will not have any impact. You have said it yourself.... he sees himself as very important, very valuable, and basically perfect.

Your children will be impacted by him. It may start by using them against you .... so you annoy him or chalenge him and he will punish you by acting in a way that is harmful to the children (saying things that are inappropriate, refusing to take them to their football match and blaming you, "well, mummy has a lot to say about everything so obviously i can't be trusted to take you to football, she will have to do it") and over time, hurting them more when they cannot live up to what he wants. When they stop adoring him and taking everything he says at face value.