Child calling boyfriend dad

[Timetogetgone]

Hi,

I know this has been done a million times but would love opinions.

Son’s dad left when he was 2. He was an abusive man so he’s had limited contact with our son and is only now (court ordered) having more contact in staggered forms. In all honesty, he’s a terrible father so I can understand how this situation has happened.

My boyfriend has been in my sons life for around 2 years (he’s a dad himself) and treats my son like his own but doesn’t step on any toes and is just an all round nice guy with my son.

Since my son first met him until now (son is 5) he’s randomly called him ‘dad’. I’ve always nipped in in the bud and explained that he has a name. I don’t want my son calling him that for various reasons but, now my sons older, I don’t want to embarrass him in front of partner and say ‘baby, his name is blah blah’.

Should I say something to my son in private or at the moment it happens? Or by addressing it later am I drawing more attention to it?

Also, my partner has no issue with it but should I tell him, ‘hey, I’m addressing it with my son just so you know’ or not say anything. I worry if I don’t say something to him he may think I’m ok with it?

I just don’t want to embarrass my son in anyway and make him feel vulnerable. My son has been through a lot in his short life and there’s no handbook for this is there 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why don’t you want your son calling him that?

Sort of inevitable, if he’s been playing the father figure for as long as he can remember.

Tbh I would be really pleased your DS felt so comfortable in his relationship with your BF that he wants to call him Dad. And that your BF had no problem with it.

Is your concern that you don't see this as a long term relationship and you don't want your DS to feel he is losing his Dad if you break up?

Do you see a long term future with your partner and is marriage on the cards? This could be a good thing if your plan is to be a family unit. Of course your son will be brought up knowing he is a stepfather, but having some one to call dad and be a father figure could be incredibly positive and important for him. On the flipside, if you aren’t comfortable with that then why not? I would be concerned about your child getting hurt if you feel the relationship is temporary or unstable.

More abuse from my ex if I’m honest. I try not to rock the boat and protect my son and I. Also, though my boyfriend doesn’t say anything I don’t know his feelings on it.

He’s wonderful, I don’t think I’d ever marry again if I’m honest but that’s not to say I don’t think this could go on for years. He’s wonderful with my son and my son loves him but the backlash and abuse we could receive from my ex is worrying me.

Can you not agree a name you can use "pops / papa/ daddy david" (or whatever his name is)?

We have an interesting situation where my partner's ex's son who was born years after they separated calls him Dad. I have no idea why. It's kinda sweet and my partner doesn't mind. I think he started doing it because we would often take both kids on overnight trips so he picked it up from his older sister. The boy has his own very involved dad and he never calls my partner dad in his presence. I would imagine that your son also won't do it in the presence of your ex. Or he may need be cautioned not to. That doesn't mean he shouldn't call your BF dad in your own family unit. Managing your ex is a completely separate issue.

I wouldn't encourage it, you have only been together two years what if the relationship doesn't last? ,As great as your partner might be if the relationship breaks down, it's unlikely he would continue in a fatherly role with your son.

I see what you are saying about your ex but in a way that's putting his feelings above those of your son and he is still controlling you . Your son must know his dad is a deadbeat and wants that fatherly relationship with your partner . I would discuss it with your partner and if he doesn't mind I wouldn't correct your son , let him feel comfortable with his choice.

I have just read it again your son has contact with his Dad ,however terrible you think his Dad is ,he is his Dad ,so no he shouldn't be calling another man Dad .

I don't know if you're living together? I don't think it's appropriate if he's a boyfriend rather than your partner that you live with as married. Just have a chat and explain that.

I don’t want to either if I’m honest. I’m just wondering should I say something in front of my partner to my son? Do it privately and then let my partner know it’s being addressed?

It’s not I ‘think’ my ex is terrible, he is terrible. Physically abusive to both my son and I, police escorts, kicking front doors down and even worse things. He's an awful person, so I can understand why my son has reached out to find comfort of a fatherly figure in my partner. But I’m not saying I want my son to call my partner dad, I wanted to know how to approach it with my son/partner.

We will never get married and moving in together probably happen within the next year or two, I’m taking my time but who should I chat with? Both? Separately In private? Or as it happens? I don’t want my son calling him dad, I just don’t know how to approach the situation of addressing it.

I’d speak to your partner first, find out how he feels about it and how he wants to respond, if at all.

If you don’t want your son calling him dad, you need to have a proper conversation with your son explaining why, in private away from your partner. I’d be thinking of a better explanation than “your arsehole dad won’t be happy” and come up with an alternative name to call your partner.

Wrong thread

Haha. Thank you. In private is probably best. Yeah I’ll refrain from mentioning his dad but just nicely explain why we call my partner his name.

Could you agree on a private name for your boyfriend that wouldn't cause ructions if your son said it? Ask your boyfriend if he would like that and then pick one with your son. Like a nickname.

Since my son first met him until now (son is 5) he’s randomly called him ‘dad’.

When you say randomly do you mean in the way that young children often say 'Mum' to their teacher?

If that's the case it could be that it comes out automatically as he could be influenced by your partner's children calling him dad so it comes out naturally and without thinking.

I think you should have a casual word with your son, on his own, along the lines of it's OK if you say 'dad' sometimes as you like and see him a lot, and it's no big deal, but it would be better if you call him 'Bob', but Bob doesn't mind if you sometimes call him dad.

Hi my eldest asked to call my partner Dad , when she was 5 , I had split from her “ Dad “ when she was 3 months old. He only had very sporadic contact. Then he hasn’t seen her for 20 years. In my view , my partner is her Dad as he raised her .

That would cause the boy even more confusion - there would be Dad, Bob, nickname, and birth father in the mix!

I think you'd need to consider how your boyfriend's children would feel about your son calling their Dad "Dad". How would his ex partner feel about it?

I completely understand the longing in your son to call him Dad. I think once it's a different moniker to the one used for biological Dad so that distinction is crystal clear, it's okay. There aren't that many options though, apart from Pop?

I meant instead of Dad. The boyfriend has his own special name chosen by the son and the boyfriend together.

I would have a conversation with your partner first and agree a plan of action. Then you can both sit down with your son, if your partner is comfortable with it.