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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Life is just meh after baby

69 replies

OneBusyTiger · 24/11/2024 21:58

I had my first baby 7 months ago and since my DC was born I just feel meh..I’m not depressed but I struggle to find any joy in life. When I look at my old pictures it seems like I don’t recognise that person any more.

My life was so full of exciting things, busy weekends with friends, holidays, gigs, basically I was ready to jump at any opportunity to be out. Now it’s pretty much nothing, I hate to leave house, I’m sick and tired of baby kicking off in public and can’t be bothered to be out for food cause it’s a nightmare with a child. I’m tired and overstimulated.

I haven’t laught since she was born, cause I’m constantly on the edge. I will go as far to say I hate motherhood and I don’t how can people have more than one child.

Can someone please tell me is that’s it? Is this what life is going to be from now and on? Just meh???

OP posts:
Howcanifixthis · 24/11/2024 22:02

It’s incredibly hard at this stage, but I promise you it gets better. It gets easier to be out and about with them, and eventually you’ll even enjoy it, especially when they start to talk.

It sounds like you might be a little depressed. Maybe speak to your GP. Try to get out every day to get some light and fresh air, particularly in the morning. Even if the baby kicks off it doesn’t matter x

Fireworknight · 24/11/2024 22:02

It does get better, and you’ll soon reach the stage when they get more interesting.

i didn’t really enjoy the baby stage much either. I found it difficult and tiring.

Have you spoken to anyone about your post natal depression and got help for it?

My dc are now young adults so what did we do now they’re fully independent, we got a dog. It felt like going back to the baby stage again.

Gonegurl · 24/11/2024 22:03

I can't vote as you are not being unreasonable to feel how you're feeling; but you're also not reasonable to think this is what life must be like from now on!
Not laughing/not looking forward to anything are absolutely signs of depression. Cutting yourself off from the outside world as well.
Please give your GP or health visitor a call. You deserve to be happier than this.

fashionqueen0123 · 24/11/2024 22:03

Could you be suffering from post natal depression? As you mentioned about feeling on edge and not going out.

In my experience most women love being on maternity leave and enjoying their baby. Of course it’s still tiring. Lack of sleep and can have some days where it’s boring. But as the babies get more interactive and you can take them to classes, meet up with friends etc it’s lovely. You can still go on holidays too!

do you have a supportive partner and family?

littleteapot86 · 24/11/2024 22:18

I understand this. Definitely cut yourself some slack. If you can get time to yourself, take it. My children are older now (8 and 4) but it took me a long time to lean into being a mum. I still find it tiring and overstimulating at times but nothing like what it was when they were babies.

corkindigo · 24/11/2024 22:25

I really struggled in those early years. But I can say that my life is very full now, I have a teen and pre teen (and didn't take until this stage, it happens gradually over the years), I have hobbies, busy career, DH and I have a good amount of time together, we holiday together alone occasionally though I know that's not for everyone. And love family life also, I've been blessed with adolescents that are still rather lovely and make family time, mostly, fun! It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it is a short time, your life is not over.

Fern346 · 24/11/2024 22:25

fashionqueen0123 · 24/11/2024 22:03

Could you be suffering from post natal depression? As you mentioned about feeling on edge and not going out.

In my experience most women love being on maternity leave and enjoying their baby. Of course it’s still tiring. Lack of sleep and can have some days where it’s boring. But as the babies get more interactive and you can take them to classes, meet up with friends etc it’s lovely. You can still go on holidays too!

do you have a supportive partner and family?

Not sure I would agree with this, not all women love being on mat leave and it’s perfectly normal to find it hard or just boring.

I went to baby groups, which whilst broke up the days and got me out of the house, didn’t help me make friends as I found them to be a bit cliquey (but then I’m not great at making friends 😂). I also live far from family or friends so there weren’t many coffee dates.
Babies this age are hard and you don’t get that much interaction from them but they get into the toddler stage quite quickly and are then hilarious. You just find that the nice meals out and gigs are replaced by lovely family days out watching your toddlers amazement at an aquarium or zoo.

that’s not to say you shouldn’t still do stuff without kids, it’s really important that you do to keep your sense of self (and your sanity) if you have someone on hand to babysit?

but I would agree it sounds a bit like depression so I would definitely see your GP if you can xx

Imisscoffee2021 · 24/11/2024 22:34

It's so hard, even though I had an ivf pregnancy and he was and is so wanted my husband and I were shocked at how much we ached for our old life, how much the domestic side of things around having a baby took over any "free" time, the things it did to my body carrying him and having him, the hormones, the hair loss. It felt like everything we were was stripped away (didn't help we had planned a move and went ahead with it with a 6 week old, not good to leave your life behind!) But it did get easier , I'm lucky that he loves being out and at classes or just out and about, but with him growing up and being more interactive and funny, his personality shining out, he's still a bad sleeper but my husband and I do night on night off so get more rest, my body has healed, things are better.
When he was small we'd talk about how great it will be when he's old enough yo stay with his grandparents and we can go away again for a night or two like we used to, but now we couldn't imagine leaving our little buddy behind, we want him with us, its crazy how quickly they change and how we change eventually to adapt. Hang in there, babies are Hadd and not everyone loves that stage though they love their child.

corkindigo · 24/11/2024 22:38

@Imisscoffee2021 I've often thought the "shock of capture" must be harder for (some) who have had IVF, we are all expected to be sooo grateful and sooo happy for our baby, heaven forbid we highlight the challenges, add to that a difficult fertility journey and I imagine the pressure to be happy and grateful must be harder in some respects (unfairly so).

TheJones · 24/11/2024 22:45

Yeah I understand OP. I also agree it’s not depression- it’s just what it is. Going out with a baby is hard, not having your old life , being stuck in all the time and tied down. You’re not alone and neither do we have to say you’re depressed- it’s just a reaction and feeling to the circumstances you find yourself in right now. My youngest is 2 and a half and things are getting a bit easier but I won’t do things like eat in a restaurant etc as it’s not worth the stress! The best advice I have is to get a babysitter as much as you can or put your baby in nursery and have proper free time where you do what you want with no baby about.

TheMaenads · 24/11/2024 22:46

It’s an unsurpassable gruesome stage for lots of people, OP. I moved to a different part of the country when DS was seven months and I remember that (very cold) winter as a nightmare. Don’t panic — it gets better by itself, without you having to do anything more than keep breathing.

peepsypops · 24/11/2024 22:57

Hi OP, I have an almost two year old and I can absolutely resonate with what you've described. I did and still do very much miss my previous life before children - plenty of activities, travel, lots of free time, sleep! You're not alone there. It's definitely got better since 7months, I'm certainly not there yet either! But once my LO started talking and interacting it's been so funny and lovely. It does kill me having zero social life but I'm assured this gets better! So I'm trying to not wish these years away as I know they are full of lovely moments but Pleeeeease rest assured you are not alone in your thoughts! I'm having another one. 75% think I'm crazy, 25% think well, if I have no social life I may as well have two.

Practically speaking - do you have much help around? I made sure I organised things (overnight with a friend, go to grandmas and let her take baby overnight or nip out for an afternoon for myself) it got me through. It really helped when I went back to work too. I would keep trying on the going out with your baby thing though - I feel like it will get easier once you get into a groove, staying in isn't good for anyone. Best of luck xxx

VeronicaFranklin · 24/11/2024 23:12

OneBusyTiger · 24/11/2024 21:58

I had my first baby 7 months ago and since my DC was born I just feel meh..I’m not depressed but I struggle to find any joy in life. When I look at my old pictures it seems like I don’t recognise that person any more.

My life was so full of exciting things, busy weekends with friends, holidays, gigs, basically I was ready to jump at any opportunity to be out. Now it’s pretty much nothing, I hate to leave house, I’m sick and tired of baby kicking off in public and can’t be bothered to be out for food cause it’s a nightmare with a child. I’m tired and overstimulated.

I haven’t laught since she was born, cause I’m constantly on the edge. I will go as far to say I hate motherhood and I don’t how can people have more than one child.

Can someone please tell me is that’s it? Is this what life is going to be from now and on? Just meh???

I felt a lot like this in the baby stage of motherhood. It is because it is exhausting, unpredictable and all consuming in those early months. Especially when people are constantly expecting you to enjoy every minute of it.

I constantly looked at other mums with babies who seem to love every moment and wondered what was wrong with me or parents with multiple children and thought how can anyone do this more than once, they must be mad!

It's because it is such a huge life adjustment to make and no one can prepare you for it. You don't understand until you're in it.

I felt very similar to how you describe...to begin with and I didn't have PPD (it actually frustrates me that should anyone dare say they dislike motherhood or are struggling to adjust that they automatically get labelled with PPD when actually it is just a huge adjustment that takes time) that being said, if you feel you are struggling then there is no shame to go speak to your GP. But just know lots of new first time mums do feel like this initially, I was one of them.

What I will say echoes what others have said - it does get easier and slowly but surely you start to feel like you again.

You'll never be the care free person you were before, and you will at times look back at your old life with rose tinted glasses and long of the lack of responsibility and ability to do what you want when you want. Of course it goes without saying that motherhood comes with an overwhelming sense of responsibility that at times can be suffocating but it's because suddenly you have this tiny human who you are the world to looking at you for its food/comfort/safety and in return you love them so much you just want to keep them safe/protected/healthy and loved. Motherhood is a lot. But it is worth it.

My DD is 2.5 yrs old now and I love being a mum... I seriously doubted how good a mum I would be after that first year because the baby stage was not for me.

As soon as she weaned, then hit 1 year old and then began walking at 18 months, life changed.

Going back to work massively changed things for me, it gave me my independence back and allowed me to just be me for a few hours a week which was a game changer, instead of dreading the long days at home all day with a baby, I actually got excited to come home from work to see her and then planned things in for my days off together.

Now at 2.5 life is soooo different to the baby stage, she plays well independently, eats independently, she is funny/loving (yes the tantrums are insane) but for the most part it's like having this little buddy with me to go on adventures with. We can eat out at restaurants, go shopping, days out etc.

Not sure what your support network is like but me and my husband are now able to go out for the occasional date night/ cinema trip or can leave DD with auntie or grandparents for a few hours or over night now and again if needed and this means that sense of who we are as individuals and husband and wife has returned instead of us just being mum and dad. So this has helped, but appreciate everyone's circumstances are different.

You will find your feet.

You will sleep through the night again, you will be able to eat out again and go to gigs, you will stop dreading eating out in restaurants and going out in public (which by the way don't not do it just cos you're afraid your baby will cry/kick off, it's all part of it and it's actually quite empowering when you choose to just not care what others think if your baby/toddler is having an almighty meltdown, chances are most people nearby will have kids and have done it all before anyway).

You're still in the trenches so go easy on yourself.

The first year of becoming a new mum is hard work and isn't a reflection of the whole parenting journey, it's you and your baby figuring each other out but you will get there, and they're only babies for 5 mins when you look back, same with toddlers, then pre-schoolers, everything is a phase and it goes so so fast. The days are long but the years are short - I've never heard a truer statement since becoming a mum.

Take care of yourself x

OneBusyTiger · 24/11/2024 23:14

Thanks you all for your messages. I think I’m having hard time to admit that I might have postnatal depression. I do know it’s coming from sleep deprivation and lack of baby free time.

Husband is working long hours, sometimes he is home when baby is already in the bed.
Our families are not close by so we don’t have anyone who could look after baby and we could go out together.
I have joined baby classes etc, nice moms to have a chat with but no real friendships so far.

A lot of my friend don’t have kids yet ( I’m in my early 30s) and child free friends prefer to do child free things which I get it. I can’t make dinners at 7-8pm and drinks after so I see them a lot less than before baby arrived. That also get’s me down.

Also I used to love working out, now I’m so tired I can barely walk up the stairs. I’ve lost all my hobbies, not read a single book.
My house looks so messy ( I’m very house proud) I only manage to do a bare minimum when baby goes down for a nap, dishwasher, laundry, quick tidy up but never have time for deep clean. I feel like a failure and my life is unrecognisable.

And there are moms with perfect make-up, new clothes, clean home and meals cooked from scratch…

OP posts:
CulturalNomad · 24/11/2024 23:14

In my experience most women love being on maternity leave and enjoying their baby

I don't think this is necessarily true. But most women are reluctant to voice any discontent with the newborn stage because our society can be very judgmental towards women who express anything less than total rapture over motherhood.

OP, what you are feeling is normal. Your life has been turned upside down by the arrival of your baby. It will take time to adjust. Some women find the newborn stage tedious and boring. Loving your baby doesn't mean loving every single stage of motherhood. This too shall pass.

Things will get easier and over time you will regain bits of your "old" self. Give yourself time. We all experience motherhood differently. Take care.

OneBusyTiger · 24/11/2024 23:22

VeronicaFranklin · 24/11/2024 23:12

I felt a lot like this in the baby stage of motherhood. It is because it is exhausting, unpredictable and all consuming in those early months. Especially when people are constantly expecting you to enjoy every minute of it.

I constantly looked at other mums with babies who seem to love every moment and wondered what was wrong with me or parents with multiple children and thought how can anyone do this more than once, they must be mad!

It's because it is such a huge life adjustment to make and no one can prepare you for it. You don't understand until you're in it.

I felt very similar to how you describe...to begin with and I didn't have PPD (it actually frustrates me that should anyone dare say they dislike motherhood or are struggling to adjust that they automatically get labelled with PPD when actually it is just a huge adjustment that takes time) that being said, if you feel you are struggling then there is no shame to go speak to your GP. But just know lots of new first time mums do feel like this initially, I was one of them.

What I will say echoes what others have said - it does get easier and slowly but surely you start to feel like you again.

You'll never be the care free person you were before, and you will at times look back at your old life with rose tinted glasses and long of the lack of responsibility and ability to do what you want when you want. Of course it goes without saying that motherhood comes with an overwhelming sense of responsibility that at times can be suffocating but it's because suddenly you have this tiny human who you are the world to looking at you for its food/comfort/safety and in return you love them so much you just want to keep them safe/protected/healthy and loved. Motherhood is a lot. But it is worth it.

My DD is 2.5 yrs old now and I love being a mum... I seriously doubted how good a mum I would be after that first year because the baby stage was not for me.

As soon as she weaned, then hit 1 year old and then began walking at 18 months, life changed.

Going back to work massively changed things for me, it gave me my independence back and allowed me to just be me for a few hours a week which was a game changer, instead of dreading the long days at home all day with a baby, I actually got excited to come home from work to see her and then planned things in for my days off together.

Now at 2.5 life is soooo different to the baby stage, she plays well independently, eats independently, she is funny/loving (yes the tantrums are insane) but for the most part it's like having this little buddy with me to go on adventures with. We can eat out at restaurants, go shopping, days out etc.

Not sure what your support network is like but me and my husband are now able to go out for the occasional date night/ cinema trip or can leave DD with auntie or grandparents for a few hours or over night now and again if needed and this means that sense of who we are as individuals and husband and wife has returned instead of us just being mum and dad. So this has helped, but appreciate everyone's circumstances are different.

You will find your feet.

You will sleep through the night again, you will be able to eat out again and go to gigs, you will stop dreading eating out in restaurants and going out in public (which by the way don't not do it just cos you're afraid your baby will cry/kick off, it's all part of it and it's actually quite empowering when you choose to just not care what others think if your baby/toddler is having an almighty meltdown, chances are most people nearby will have kids and have done it all before anyway).

You're still in the trenches so go easy on yourself.

The first year of becoming a new mum is hard work and isn't a reflection of the whole parenting journey, it's you and your baby figuring each other out but you will get there, and they're only babies for 5 mins when you look back, same with toddlers, then pre-schoolers, everything is a phase and it goes so so fast. The days are long but the years are short - I've never heard a truer statement since becoming a mum.

Take care of yourself x

Thank you so much for taking time to respond. This does give me hope that things will get better.
I‘ m intending to return back to work when DC is and having some time off from home life hopefully will give me some breathing space.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 24/11/2024 23:23

Are you going back to work @OneBusyTiger because maybe it would be better to just get the baby into childcare ASAP and go back early , being at home with a baby isn’t everyone’s cup of tea . If you don’t want to do that I’d say go out more , it doesn’t matter if the baby makes a scene , that’s what they do , nobody cares .

Gonegurl · 24/11/2024 23:29

Doing all this without much support is very hard.. there is help out there, could be ADs but even someone to talk to can help, there are charities for this or your local NHS might have some kind of mental health team. Please reach out to someone. There should be good days and bad, but doesn't sound like you're getting a balance of both at the moment.

LaundryandDirt · 24/11/2024 23:31

Kids are hard are every stage. Yes, they grow into little characters with fabulous personalities but it doesn’t get better in relation to missing your old life. It’s $hit, it’s gone.

OneBusyTiger · 24/11/2024 23:34

Floralnomad · 24/11/2024 23:23

Are you going back to work @OneBusyTiger because maybe it would be better to just get the baby into childcare ASAP and go back early , being at home with a baby isn’t everyone’s cup of tea . If you don’t want to do that I’d say go out more , it doesn’t matter if the baby makes a scene , that’s what they do , nobody cares .

I don’t really want to put DC in nursery before 1, I love playing and spending time with her at home, see her developing and hitting milestones. But on the other hand I don’t get much break away. also she hates sitting in the pram. Might be ok for 15min but then will have a meltdown. If I meet a friend in cafe, she will definitely be upset by the time we get there. That’s why I hate leaving house cause I just don’t know when she will kick off. I’m sometimes so exhausted dealing with it, I find it easier to stay in.

OP posts:
88MincePies · 24/11/2024 23:56

Mine is only 3 months but I can see this being me soon. It's so hard. I wanted a baby so much, for years, but turns out being alone with a baby day in, day out, is actually as hard as everyone says it is.

Milkmani8 · 24/11/2024 23:57

@OneBusyTiger Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. For me maternity leave was a struggle due to PND, PNA and PTSD from an emergency csection. I only really got through it in the last 3 months and my son is 2.5 years. But I really loved all aspects of being a mum, didn’t mind the night feeds and all the boring routine baby stuff. Your life is different now, many women yearn their old selves/lives. In the grand scheme of life this will be over in the blink of an eye. As others said, motherhood is hard and can be a hard adjustment for the majority. Lean into it for now, soon you’ll be wondering what happened to your little gummy smiled baby once they are a walking, talking toddler. I understand that
childfree friends might want adult only time, but your baby is a part of your life now. If friends are free in the day you could always meet them at a play cafe, so you can still catch up with a coffee and entertain your little one? I know you said your house feels messy at the moment, would you consider having friends over so then your little one can be entertained at home? Time goes fast, you’ll be out of the trenches soon.

coxesorangepippin · 25/11/2024 00:01

Toy have to accept that you have to do different things now

No long meals out, holidays, gigs etc

It's still fun, but different

88MincePies · 25/11/2024 00:56

@Milkmani8 childfree friends are always and invariably at work in the daytime. I have the same problem as the OP. I literally have no one that could meet with me in the daytime. Everyone finishes work at 5-6pm. And that's about an hour away from witching hour/cluster feeding/bed time.

And weekends are precious times when I get some help, an extra nap, because DH is here so I'm not going to fill it with socials, I'll have one social max.

Unfortunately I think those friendships slowly die down. You keep the ones that are super close but otherwise lose contact with most because you simply have little in common anymore and your life is different. Maybe they'll come back in a few years.

Babyghirl · 25/11/2024 01:24

@OneBusyTiger is your baby still facing u in the pram,if so try them round the other way my LG got better when she could see around her.

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