Life is just meh after baby

[OneBusyTiger]

I had my first baby 7 months ago and since my DC was born I just feel meh..I’m not depressed but I struggle to find any joy in life. When I look at my old pictures it seems like I don’t recognise that person any more.

My life was so full of exciting things, busy weekends with friends, holidays, gigs, basically I was ready to jump at any opportunity to be out. Now it’s pretty much nothing, I hate to leave house, I’m sick and tired of baby kicking off in public and can’t be bothered to be out for food cause it’s a nightmare with a child. I’m tired and overstimulated.

I haven’t laught since she was born, cause I’m constantly on the edge. I will go as far to say I hate motherhood and I don’t how can people have more than one child.

Can someone please tell me is that’s it? Is this what life is going to be from now and on? Just meh???

@88MincePies could you move witching hour gradually so little one gets up later. We used to move DS bedtime to suit by basically distracting him when a feed was due so it was 30minutes later. Over a few days it got him onto a schedule that fit.

Yes, they grow into little characters with fabulous personalities but it doesn’t get better in relation to missing your old life. It’s $hit, it’s gone.

Either you haven't got past that stage or you made some choices, the stuff the OP misses like reading, working out and having a tidy home are absolutely not gone, it is temporary. I appreciate it depends on what your pre baby life looked like, but I don't think about it at all, I live my life how I want to live it including travelling and hobbies, kids get to a stage where they fit in to your life, you've just got to survive the beginning!

I felt exactly like you do.

And I agree with previous posters - I didn't feel like I had PPD. I just felt like i had had a wonderful life, an interesting job, Travel, active social life, loved going to the gym - and then everything changed.
Despite very much wanting a baby.
Of course it will get easier. But that doesn't really help you right now.
Looking back I think it would have been great for me to have had some childcare. Maybe one morning/afternoon per werk.
But like you, we didn't have any family nearby. And I was worried about spending the money for somebody to look after the baby.
But I think that one morning/afternoon a week by myself would have been very beneficial.

I found the Baby Stage by far the hardest. I absolutely loved being a mum from the age where they started to talk.

And don't look at the "perfect mums with their perfect hair and their perfect babies" - I bet they have lots of help
All the best!

I felt the same. It gets better. I’ve finally found myself again

Yes this is what my DD did when her baby was 4.5 months old. She says that being stuck at home was a sort of haze and she began to feel " herself" agai n once back to work.

I'm sorry you feel like that but I don't, at all, so it isn't universal (and isn't that helpful a message for the OP). Mine are 6 and 3 and I absolutely remember feeling how OP does - mourning my old life - with my first as a baby, but that isn't how I feel now and it isn't how I've felt for years. I'm not trying to deny your experience or that it's a possibility, but I wouldn't want OP to feel like it's inevitable.

I think your DH needs to step up a bit OP. Could he commit to getting home in time to do bathtime and bedtime one night a week? When your baby is 7 months old it should be possible for you to meet friends at 7pm occasionally IMO. It will be good for dad and baby bonding too. Think of other ways of carving out some "me time" for you too. Could he take the baby swimming on Saturdays and you could go for a coffee / meet a friend / do an exercise class / whatever makes you feel like "you" again.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. My daughter is also 7 months old so the same age and honestly my biggest bit of advice is to just do it anyway- it gets easier and you will feel so much better! I love going out for a coffee or lunch, meeting friends for dinner etc, now she’s 7 months old I pop her in a high chair when we arrive and she’s quite happy to sit and eat some toast, piece of fruit, chicken, little bit of whatever meal I have etc! It’s not exactly the same relaxing experience as it was pre-baby but I am always so so much happier for having still done it, having a chat, getting out. Yes sometimes she winges or cries but she’s a baby and that’s what they do, it’s fine and the cry feels so much louder to you than anyone else. If I know I’ll be out for awhile then I just pop a play mat and some toys in the bottom of the pram and she can sit and play just the same as she would at home. Maybe that’s worth a try?

Also exercise, even when you’re tired, can make you feel so much better and you can do it even with baby! I joined a gym that is mum & baby friendly Mon-Fri at certain times so I take her with me and she just sits/crawls/rolls around with me while I train, and we also go to a mum & baby running club so she sits in the pram with toys/having a nap while I get a good run in and chat to other mums. I now have a proper running buggy so I go for a few runs a week on my own with her in there and it is honestly amazing for my mind. Even when I really can’t be arsed, I always feel so much better for just getting it done even if it’s only half an hour. Have a look to see if there’s anything similar near you!

And that’s your life, your truth. My life completely changed, and a lot of the parts I really miss will never be the back.

I’m not talking about the ridiculous comment about tidying or reading that also quoted me. Some of us had lives before that are not compatible with having a child and there are definitely moments when I think WTF has happened to my life.

I wouldn’t change him for the world (8), but I’m allowed be sad that I cannot do what I used to.

You are still in the drugery first 9 months and your DC is literally working life out. This is the time DC have runny nappies, sore gums, sick bugs, lack the ability to communicate. The poor things can't do much as they lack coordination and the abilty to understand their world. You and your DC will get through it and be stronger at the end for the next phase.

@LaundryandDirt if after 8 years you haven't worked out how to build a life that doesn't stop you mourning your old one I'd suggest you be careful how that impacts your son, the resentment seethes through your post and is pretty unusual, your son will feel that I have no doubt. And completely lacks the emotional intelligence the OP is needing, OP this really isn't usual.

Sometimes I think the way we do motherhood is an inhumane trap that a woman enters into. A kind of bait and switch. But she shouldn't complain or show this. She must hide her true feelings or it might be seen as a lack in her. But there is no lack there, except the lack of support. We didn't evolve to parent in nuclear families.

And the child might feel the resentment so you should firmly ignore your true feelings (double trap).

The guilt - a trap, the shame, another trap.

The feeling of being overstimulated - it wrecks your nervous system over the months and years.

Not the child's fault of course, but a society that has heaped too much on women.

Try a sling and baby groups to meet mum friends where people are in the same boat.

To some extent, your old life is gone, your new life needs to be built around your baby. Yes, your baby can slot into restaurants etc but you'll cope better mentally if you are prepared to actively build something new around your baby. Go to baby groups, library rhyme sessions etc. Please don't go in woth a view that other mums that go to these things are brainless and not your sort of person - they are all in the same boat as you and you'll find everyone from teen mums to CEOs in them. It will be a miserable 5 years if you don't throw yourself in to a new routine.

Obviously usual words about speaking to your health visitor and considering post natal depression apply.

I hated maternity leave with my first. I was deeply bored and lonely and grieved my old life, despite doing all the classes, going to the park, 'play dates' with my new mum friends etc. The only thing that helped me was going back to work. I felt so much better then. It's still hard because instead of drinks after work it's back to pick the baby up! But now mine are teen and preteen and I have my life back, plus two awesome new people who often feel like friends tbh

Some of us had lives before that are not compatible with having a child and there are definitely moments when I think WTF has happened to my life.
I wouldn’t change him for the world (8), but I’m allowed be sad that I cannot do what I used to

I can relate to this @LaundryandDirt. My child is grown and I love him dearly and wouldn't change a thing. But that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to occasionally mourn the person I was (and the life I led) prior to becoming a mother.

The reality is that your old life is gone once you have a child. Sure, in time you'll be able to pursue some of your interests again and you'll regain parts of your old self, but your life has changed irrevocably.

And my prior post about how judgemental society is to mothers that dare admit to anything less than being totally besotted by motherhood has been evident in responses to @LaundryandDirt 's honest post. She's been admonished that this isn't "usual" and given dire warnings about how this will affect her child.

How much of PND is down to feeling like you are lacking if you find motherhood difficult? Knowing that if you express any misgivings whatsoever you'll be judged for them? So you just slap a smile on your face and nod in agreement when people gush about how "you never know real happiness until you have a child". Denying real, honest feelings takes a huge toll.

I had a double whammy of severe PND and not enjoying the baby stage and I vividly recall looking at my baby and thinking wtf had I done? My life was a mess, like the OP I had an amazing life that I’d just blown up.
But it gets better, and easier. While the toddler stage is trying, at least there was communication I could understand. Going back to work when he was 2 was brilliant for me, I started to find myself again and now he’s older I get to the gym 3/4 times a week, have nights out, gigs, head away for weekends with my friends.
Don’t panic or catastrophise. I did and it sent me down a bad path.
It gets better.

'I struggle to find any joy in life.

I haven’t laught since she was born, cause I’m constantly on the edge.'

This sounds like depression to me. I would speak to a GP or at least HV.

It sounds very much like depression to me. Depression isn't always intolerable despair and wanting to end it all. It's more often a grey, flat feeling like all the colour has been sucked out of the world. I would have a chat with your GP about post-natal depression.

In purely objective terms - it does and will get better. Lots of people find the baby stage tedious and limiting. Life will open up again once she's a bit bigger and her personality and independence start to develop.

This is exactly how I knew I would feel on top of all the other bad things having children brings and why I chose to stay happily child free.

Do you have a hands on, supportive partner or any other family help/ support?

TBH, I have a 2.5 year old and my life pretty much went back to normal when she was about 3 months old (wasn't breastfeeding though, purposely because I wanted me life back) I was off on girls nights out with friends, weekends away for hen dos etc. I went back to doing my hobby twice a week and then went back to work 3 days a week when she was a year old. My friends have all been similar tbh but it's because we all have supportive, hands on partners.

I haven't had a weekend where I haven't been out socialising with friends in 2 months now.

I'm only saying all this because no, I wouldn't say how you feel is normal (though it can be!) and think perhaps you're a little depressed? It's what you make it, having a baby really doesn't mean your life is over and suddenly can't do anything else.

Things will get SO much easier the older your DC gets, but for now, I would absolutely be arranging a couple of Christmas nights out or whatever if childcare allows and go out and have some fun.

OP I felt like this when my DD was that age. I took a year’s mat leave but could have skipped back in at 9 months. I found it hard to fill the days with her and felt bored and unfulfilled. I love her to bits so felt really guilty for having these feelings. Now I’m back at work part time and she’s 13 months, I feel much better since I’ve returned to work and I genuinely enjoy every day with her. I think I’d take 9 months mat leave next time and I wouldn’t be ashamed to say why. Hang in there X

I totally get where you are at @OneBusyTiger, I found the first year incredibly hard - boring/anxiety at 1000%/achingly tired - and still look back on it and shudder. I had no family or friends nearby, so no help and even now (15 years later!) if someone says they're pregnant I hope they have at least one capable family member nearby...ideally a couple of aunts, older sisters, or hands on mum (or dad). You need your village.

It will get better, your life will come back, and the new normal will emerge and might even surpass the old one in terms of joy (mine definitely has). The advice I'd give my old self, looking back, would be buy some childcare mornings during maternity leave, go back to work sooner, and work a few hours less than the childcare when back in work.

Thanks for all your messages, definitely makes me feels less alone.
Unfortunately, our families live 3hours away and no sisters, aunts or any friends who can pop in and give me a bit of break. I mean we have friends but no one who can help out during the week.
I think if we ever decide to have more children we’ll need to move closer to families.

OP, your DC will become much better company and they all outgrow the hard drudgery stage and interact with you more. Also, if you have another you won't just have one baby DC again. You'll have 2DC.
My 2nd DC was much more bearable at the baby stage as DC1 was more interesting as she grew up and she kept me going out (groups, day trips, preschool). I found DC2 was entertained by DC1 some of the time and I didn't notice the crying/fussing so much. I think I slowed down on my expectations and life felt calmer.

I could have written the same at that stage OP. Turned out I had PPD. Setraline was magic for me.