To distance myself from Dsis (nagging) and Parents joint gathering this Christmas

[MaybeItsTimeForMeNow]

Background. Have a very pushy sister, we both have young children similar ages. We see each other once a week with our youngest kids (joint child activity). For the rest of my free time I spend with my little family and go with the flow (happy with a pj day if required!), but if she ever has a spare day e.g. at a weekend/school hols when her friends aren't around, she will ring/text endlessly and If we dont meet up with her she's rude and pissy and insists her children are "left out" or "upset" as a result (never seen anything to suggest this). She's well off compared to us and makes suggestions for day trips that are ££ and politely I don't want to spend every weekend entertaining her children - she will happily sit on her bum and let me mind all the kids. She's extremely talkative compared to me which is fine, that's her, but it's A LOT in long doses tbh.

Anyway, every Christmas she insists on family get togethers against my parents wishes. Every single day of the holidays she has to be at someone's house for food/sleepover to the point she's not in her own at all, from Christmas eve til the kids return to school. Mum has expressed repeatedly she's had enough hosting everyone at once now we have so many kids between us in a small house and when COVID hit, it obviously all stopped and they preferred it. We now go as separate family units on one separate day each. However, every single year sis will arrange a date, and then nag nag nag until mum (who gets upset every year) eventually caves and hosts her for new year to gap fill until she returns home. I have stayed out of it and for the past couple of years happily go with my little family one day but will not impose on the "joint" get together and turn it down. But as a result get an endlessly hard time for weeks for "not making an effort for family at Christmas" am asked to justify why I don't want to go: followed by a barrage of photos of their get together. Aibu to continue to turn down these invites down? Conscious parents aren't getting younger but feel like I'm being bullied and badgered constantly and quite frankly enjoy shutting the door on it all for a few days for some head space (as I said, I see her weekly) and just let my kids lounge in their pjs etc.

And yes, it's obviously frustrating for me that parents "write rules" and then cave to her but when I say she's persistent, she's effin persistent (will result to grandchild blackmail if required).

Just tell your sister that you prefer quiet time alone during the holidays. Your parents presumably managed her whilst growing up, so it's time for them to speak their minds, and tell her they don't enjoy it either. Just because people try to bully you or blackmail you into doing what they want, doesn't mean that you actually HAVE to do it you know. Tell her to get lost if she gets narky.

Yep, I know. I find it irritating parents cave, they will again this year. Last year they insisted they would not host and the low and behold I was sent a photo from sis 🙄 it's my parents decision of course. My options really are to sit there seething or stay out of it and try not to let it get to me.

As in sit there with her seething !

So just don't go! YOU don't have to dance to your sister's tune, just because your parents cave in to her. Then if she nags you about why you didn't go, tell her, face to face, I didn't go because I don't like these family get together's anymore. I don't have to do what YOU tell me, as you are NOT the boss of ME!! Then repeat, repeat, repeat. Your parents may be getting on in years OP, but as long as you spend a nice day with them, just your own immediate family and Mum & Dad, over the Christmas period, then it's up to them if they are too soft to tell their other daughter that they don't want the big family thing anymore. You say that you are barraged by a load of photos, presumably they're sent by phone or email, just don't open them if you don't want to feel guilty, but the fact is that you not joining in with your sister's idea of a family get together, actually saves your poor DM, some of the extra work involved in hosting your family too, so just tell yourself that you are doing what your DM really wants you too. If they don't want your sister there for more than a day, it's up to them to tell her that. Alternatively, if you're feeling powerful, and sure that this isn't what your DM wants, then why not have it out with your sister once and for all, or are you scared of her for some reason??

Just tell her the truth and know she will spit her dummy out but don’t allow yourself to take that on board.

im not going because our parents don’t want to host you or us but you insist and badger until they change their mind but I am not willing to impose myself on them just because you do. Also dear sister I am getting sick of your accusations that I’m not making the effort when in fact it is actually the opposite. I love you but you are behaving like a bully and I don’t want any part of it so keep your comments to yourself in future.

Has anyone ever actually stood up to her and given her the bollocking she deserves?

Useful phrases:
“I don’t want to.”
“That’s not happening.”
”I don’t want to do that.”
”We won’t be coming.”
Also,
”That’s enough…”
”I’ve already told you I don’t want to do that.”
”No”

But as a result get an endlessly hard time for weeks for "not making an effort for family at Christmas"

I'd tell her you are making an effort for family by prioritising your parent's wishes to not have to constantly host over Christmas as it's too much for them.

Assuming you all live quite close together then on the face of it I think it's odd that in a family with generally good relationships you don't all spend any time together at Xmas, your parents try to limit your sister to one visit over the whole Xmas period, and you don't see your sister at all (especially as you have kids the same age). That is not a usual family dynamic. And so I can see why she is confused and hurt. Presumably it's all because she's a nightmare, but if nobody is willing to tell her that then she is going to keep on trying to get you together because all of you getting together would be completely normal in a healthy family unit.

As an aside, has anybody suggested doing the full family gathering at her house?

Mum sees each family (there are other siblings) for 1 day. I am seeing DSis with all kids + mum on 21st. It's the badgering that something HAS to happen Christmas and New year. I did call her out on her bullying - like I said it happens every school holidays and I'm more than happy to meet up but not every single time she chooses (its obv not and issue when she's busy). She was better for a while and then slowly creeps back to this. Like I said, I see her every week so it's not like we are NC. Yeah fairly local, I'm closer to mum geographically on paper.

Thanks though, I'm glad I'm not totally U.

And no, she wouldn't host. She will eat and drink at every single house and not cook a single thing for approx 2 weeks. We've had her stay for a few years in a row until we reached capacity with lots of little ones.

Sounds like you have nothing to lose by telling your sister the truth!

When she asks tell her you will agree if she hosts. When she comes back with excuses just say that's a shame.

She needs to host - where is her DH in all this? Does he not take the kids out? It sounds like she can't handle having the kids to herself so looks for company so she can sit back & relax a bit.

Your parents need to stand up to her - but it is likely easier to just give in.

Is she a single parent?

If not what is her DP/DH doing all this time?

I ask because I'm a Lp so is my sister.

She's very much a need to be around people person.

I am not!

Your parents need to stand up to her - but it is likely easier to just give in

This really. They've said to me before when I've voiced I'm annoyed they give in (and then my kids wonder why cousins are with GPS again) that it's a case of "he who shouts loudest"..

No she's married but her DH doesn't handle the kids without her. To her credit she does 90% of childcare with a part time job

I would do this.

@MaybeItsTimeForMeNow

No she's married but her DH doesn't handle the kids without her. To her credit she does 90% of childcare with a part time job

I think that's the issue then - her DH does very little childcare so she is looking to you lot to do what he should be doing.

“I’ve said no. Drop it.” and when she doesn’t, “Since you refuse to respect my answer, we’ll talk in the new year. Enjoy your holidays.” and mute her calls and texts.

She behaves as she does because it works for her. She doesn’t need to change what gets her what she wants

She doesn't want to look after her own kids so she is getting everyone to host them. Just say no, say no on your days off and no to Christmas - she is a bully because she gets what she wants this way.

You're exactly right. It just makes me sad she's hoodwinked by parents. She makes out me and siblings are the nasty ones and she's "saved Christmas" kind of thing by having these extra get together (she has in the past bullied my sister to go too) for the "benefit of my parents" when in actual fact they've told me repeatedly they don't want it. They eat them out of house and home for a start.

I don’t get that she’s married has a DH and DC and doesn’t want to spend a single day or night in their home? Her poor kids don’t get to play in their own space just dragged around other people’s houses.
She sounds like a nightmare. And a bully.
I bet your parents enjoyed the lockdown break!
Just keep doing what you are doing and don’t give in to her.
She’s also saving a fortune if she’s eating other people’s food for two weeks!
Would it be possible next year for your parents to have a mini break at New Year as a gift?!

Speak to her beforehand. “Don’t even think about descending on mum and dad en masse this year. They’ve made it clear they don’t want people there and every year you bully them into hosting you. Stop. They don’t want it. If you want to see them then invite them to yours for a change now they’re older. But forcing your family on them to be hosted is not fair.”

Thanks. I think she just has this uncanny ability to make me feel like the baddie for not going. It all becomes "I'm making memories for my kids* sort of thing. Aargh.