To distance myself from Dsis (nagging) and Parents joint gathering this Christmas

[MaybeItsTimeForMeNow]

Background. Have a very pushy sister, we both have young children similar ages. We see each other once a week with our youngest kids (joint child activity). For the rest of my free time I spend with my little family and go with the flow (happy with a pj day if required!), but if she ever has a spare day e.g. at a weekend/school hols when her friends aren't around, she will ring/text endlessly and If we dont meet up with her she's rude and pissy and insists her children are "left out" or "upset" as a result (never seen anything to suggest this). She's well off compared to us and makes suggestions for day trips that are ££ and politely I don't want to spend every weekend entertaining her children - she will happily sit on her bum and let me mind all the kids. She's extremely talkative compared to me which is fine, that's her, but it's A LOT in long doses tbh.

Anyway, every Christmas she insists on family get togethers against my parents wishes. Every single day of the holidays she has to be at someone's house for food/sleepover to the point she's not in her own at all, from Christmas eve til the kids return to school. Mum has expressed repeatedly she's had enough hosting everyone at once now we have so many kids between us in a small house and when COVID hit, it obviously all stopped and they preferred it. We now go as separate family units on one separate day each. However, every single year sis will arrange a date, and then nag nag nag until mum (who gets upset every year) eventually caves and hosts her for new year to gap fill until she returns home. I have stayed out of it and for the past couple of years happily go with my little family one day but will not impose on the "joint" get together and turn it down. But as a result get an endlessly hard time for weeks for "not making an effort for family at Christmas" am asked to justify why I don't want to go: followed by a barrage of photos of their get together. Aibu to continue to turn down these invites down? Conscious parents aren't getting younger but feel like I'm being bullied and badgered constantly and quite frankly enjoy shutting the door on it all for a few days for some head space (as I said, I see her weekly) and just let my kids lounge in their pjs etc.

And yes, it's obviously frustrating for me that parents "write rules" and then cave to her but when I say she's persistent, she's effin persistent (will result to grandchild blackmail if required).

My SIL has always been a 'busy timetable' person. This was annoying in our 20s when she was single, bored with all the school holidays. She'd timetable us in, then complain when we went to work or did normal chores. Never hosted or took over the PILs house so they managed and paid for the practicalities.
Now in our 50s, she's still at it.Never wanted to parent her kids, her DH is the same. PIL have done all the holiday heavy lifting. We arrived for our Xmas PIL window last year to find two 87 year Olds broken. We tidied up, took them out for meals, organised catering. PIL said never again for all the hosting.
Guess what, SIL has summoned all siblings to PIL house for the ultimate number get together.

Not my circus, not my monkeys but I'm not looking forward to it.

@CompCity exactly this. Every day has to have an event or a thing to do and if she doesn't have one she sulks. If I say "we need to do the food shop" or "the kids want a movie day" she will be rude and say something like, go shopping when they're all in bed or her kids wouldn't be so lazy or would be bored to stay home. It's like I have to be a circus clown. But the reality is, when we're together she will order a coffee and then sit and watch. I think she uses my kids to entertain hers.

Don't be guilted. SIL's hectic timetable has produced two kids who can't settle, concentrate, who don't seem to focus enough to excell at anything.
In contrast we have a much calmer, paced life. Room for important stuff but not chasing everything. My kids are calmer, exceeding academically, discovered their own things.
Don't feel guilty about not dancing to her tune, you don't need to match her energy by losing focus on what works for your family.

We had the 'can we use your kids as entertainment'. The sad thing is those hyperactive cousins only really wanted their parents sole attention. To really feel loved and focused on, not palmed off on relatives or friends.

What is the reason she doesn’t ever host you and cook for her parents and siblings in return? She sounds like someone who is very unhappy in her own company and emotionally very immature. You need very strong boundaries and to let her ridiculous manipulation slide off you. Sending parents ona treat for NY was good PP suggestion.

You are not being unreasonable given your updates.

I think I would just say "why don't we come to you this year" and when she says no tell her it doesn't work to come to you. When she moans just say again "really happy to come to you for the day this time" - on repeat.

“when in actual fact they've told me repeatedly they don't want it. “

They need to tell her.

However, that’s their problem.
You don’t need to participate in this nonsense so set firm boundaries and don’t be moved on them.

Be slow to reply to texts. Minimal responses. Don’t make excuses, just say “thanks, but that doesn’t suit us”. No explanations. Put her on mute.

Enjoy your Christmas without guilt xx

I'm exhausted reading how needy your sister is. Jesus!!!!!

I'd send her a message in early December (and include your mother on the message) saying something like this:
"Hi Sis - I'm getting in early to let you know my availability for December, Christmas and the festive period. I am not going to be changing these plans, no matter how often you ask or persistent you are about this, so save yourself a lot of time and effort and stop asking.
(give her a list of your availability and only those dates are for her to meet up).
I'm also not asking Mum to host any events for us either as she is finding the whole process exhausting and she doesn't get to enjoy spending time with all of us. It's very unfair that you keep badgering both of us until one of us relents. It smacks very much of a kid saying "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" and is called pester power. I am not changing my plans and really dislike when you say that I don't make an effort - I do but I can dig my heels in as well as the next person when I don't want to do something, particularly if I'm being forced to do it. Looking forward to seeing you on X, Y and Z days. All the best @MaybeItsTimeForMeNow "

Love this!

Also phones have wonderful blocking technology

Don't then. Stop with the jealousy and go enjoy the Christmas holidays with your family.

Jealousy?

What do your other siblings do? Do they bow to the pressure or also sit it out? If it's just your parents who cave in and host her each year then that's kind of on them. If you and the other siblings stand firm, perhaps she'll just spend the whole christmas period with a face on because she hasn't got her way but everyone else will be much happier. She sounds incredibly annoying, I hate people who over-schedule christmas (I have some inlaws who fall into this camp) and it's exhausting.

One of my sister's occasionally caves and then tbh the guilt trip attempts are worse. The rest basically ignore her and don't oblige. The reason I get badgered more is because I see her at the weekly activity.

People only treat you the way you let them. If being guilt tripped has such an effect on you maybe you need help? Not one person on this earth could make me feel guilty for anything cos guilt is such a wasted emotion. Tell her straight you are sick of her and have done with it and go on your merry way. You do not need to do anything you do no t want to ever. This is such an easy issue to solve I am not understanding why it is causing you such angst.

That's fair enough. I guess I was waivering that I might have been missing something, like depriving my kids of another opportunity to see GPs or their cousins. The reality is though, I know, it would be through gritted teeth and I'd probably go home thinking I had wasted a day. Not on my parents, but playing the fiddle to her. As you say, if I keep allowing her to dictate me she will never stop.

Thanks everyone. It's a relief to be honest.

Could you suggest instead of all going to DM a meet up for a family bowling challenge/national Trust visit or similar so everyone gets together but no-one hosts.

I think the only way through this is to be honest and also to pre-empt this whole thing.

You know how she's going to be so get in there early and stand firm. I think the only way people like this learn is by their tactics no longer working for them. As it is, her bullying and badgering is always successful one way or another so she continues it.

This isn't going to stop unless someone is prepared to slam their foot down and say no. Sadly, you can't control what your parents do or how they react to her badgering. You can only control yourself.

If it was me, I'd sit her down and have an honest conversation with her. Prepare for it to explode, but people like this bully people into corners because they get away with it. Tell her you're not prepared to deal with this nonsense anymore-and that if you say no to something-that's it. It's a no. It's not an opportunity for her to guilt-trip you or make you feel bad.

I'd also alert her to the fact that your parents do not want or enjoy hosting any longer due to the pressure. It sounds like she wants a place she can rock up to with her kids in tow, contribute nothing and just put her feet up. I can see how that would be incredibly tiring on anyone hosting her and her children. Tiring and expensive if they do, indeed, eat them out of house and home.

Where is the DH in all this? Does he tag along, too?

She does sound like a nightmare. What was she like growing up? It's hard to believe that this is new behaviour.

why don't you firmly suggest that you're up for a big family get-together this year, but at her house?
you could even offer to transport your parents over in your car, if that makes it easier for them.
let her and her dh host everyone, supply all the food etc
see how long she wants you all to stay for...

Don't let your parents moan to you though.....
If they start change the subject... My mum tried that about my brother... nothing i can do about him... Eventually i just snapped one day and said it was up to her to allow this but don't moan to me..

Any other time i just say nothing to do with e and don't engage...

This!