Am I giving DH a hard time or is he being selfish?

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We live 5 mins from my in laws who have a really big house.

I'm going away on a business trip for a few days and we've all decided it's best that my kids ( 2 and 4 ) stay with in laws during this time.

They've not had many sleepovers there, but they absolutely love spending the day there. My oldest is dying to sleep over.

At home, I tend to sleep with my 2 year old and even my 4 year old often comes to find me in the night. She's happy to sleep with her dad too or with both of us. The 2 year old is more mummy specific.

Anyway, my H won't be able to drive them to school/ nursery, but may be able to put them to bed on some of the days. I mentioned it would be good if he also stayed at MIL house. The kids will inevitably wake up and it will be nice for them that their dad is there. Even if he can't be there at every bed time. They could make sure little one sleeps in dad's bed. So when he wakes, his dad is with him.

He doesn't want to do that and just wants to sleep at our house. Even the night he can do bed times, he would just leave them there and come home after.

Meet in the middle, agree he stays home first night but if the children have a bad night then he will need to sleep there for the last two nights to help out.

If the kids are fine first night then it's all good.

Whats the relevance of the " really big house"

I think it's very strange he doesn't want to sleep in the same house as his children.
They are still very young.

I actually think it might be even more confusing for the DC if daddy appears in the night but isn't there at bedtime or when they wake up in the mornings.

Just so everyone understands that they'll all be very comfortable. It's not a ' tight squeeze '. You could argue that if it was a small house then it wouldn't make sense for him to stay there.

I get everyone's point. I'll stay out of it. Although I would prefer if he stayed there but it's not up to me to decide that.

Have you asked him why?

Is it that he wants to sleep? Sees no need? Disapproves of the current arrangements and quietly resents them? Thinks you’re fussing? Believes women … any woman …is responsible for childcare. Doesn’t care about the dc? Is wary that they won’t settle for him and would rather bury his head in the sand? Wants to make you feel guilty about going?

MN can’t tell you.

Communication is a lot like working out. It’s really hard to get up off the sofa and start even though the benefits of doing it are huge. It’s one of those skills that you have to keep working at. Assuming you know what the other person is thinking leaves you at an enormous disadvantage.

Have a conversation and listen without jumping in with your opinion (you already know what that is). Ask “what else?”, and “why do think that is?”, and “is there more?”, until you’ve heard it all. If you absolutely need to say your piece, wait because if you let a person keep talking until their head is empty, they’re at their most receptive.

He would just prefer to be in his own house and his own bed and not around his parents.

Ok its a very enmeshed situation if he works for them and his mother is taking off work for childcare so that he doesn’t. I am on his side. I think he wants some time away from his parents—1not his kids.,

Do you and DH not share a bed at home?

Anyway, I'd just leave them to it. You won't be there so let them organise it however they want and if it goes wrong then they'll just fix it

why?
That’s a very strong preference. Does he think the dc would have a preference? Does that matter to him?
Is there any particular reason he feels so strongly about it?
Would he prefer the gps came to your house?
If the dc are upset, would that change things or would his preference still stand?
etc.

(and consider that the dc might actually be better of in gm’s care )

I think it is better for the children if he is not there. For the older one, it won’t be a sleep over if the dad is there. I think it will be less disruptive for them if they are staying and get into the GPs routine. The only time I would alter this is if the GPs want help

I agree with this.

@TomatoSandwiches I know me too. That's what I would do but I'm just going to put it down till personal preferences. The kids are safe there and that's all that matters I guess. It's true it may well be confusing for them if he is there, as they'll be like ' well where is mummy ? '. Whereas if he's not there they may not think about me not being there that much.

They'll be fine either way.

If he doesn't get home til after 8 how could he be able to go bed times? I think you are over complicating things. Kids go to their grandparents and have a great time (and it's amazing how kids manage to adjust their sleeping arrangements- I'd grab this opportunity to get your kids sleeping on their own). Your husband gets on with his work.

I agree with this.

if your DH were around and available….then he could look after the kids! As the in laws need to do childcare then he’s not around. I don’t get the issue.

If the in laws are happy to look after the children then DH doesn’t need to be there. He’s out the house for 15 hours working he will want to come home and relax not make small talk and sit with his parents.

They'll be fine either way.

Then you’re being unreasonable, let DH decide for himself where he wants to sleep

I'd let them get on with it, there's no need for you to be in charge of the sleeping arrangements. If you trust that your kids will be well looked after by their Grandparents then trust that they will tend to them in the night if needed

Let your DH decide how he wants yo manage this arrangement. You are being controlling.

Can you split the difference? He can stay the first night to get them settled and then if all goes well he can a bit of time to himself and GPs can have some time with them alone.

I think you should leave the details to your H and your in-laws. None of you know how it’s going to work out until they try and they must be allowed to meet the needs as they arise.

I think you are micromanaging tbh

He leaves before there up and gets home after there in bed

poor in-laws bet there looking forward to having the kids then you insisting your DH is there is a bit shit
there good enough to have your kids when it suits but you want dh there as you don’t think they’ll manage

Actually they wanted him there too, as he's their son. They suggested it as well. But it's fine, read my posts - I already said I'm not going to interfere and let them do what they think is right.

I think you probably don't need to micromanage your husband or inlaws, and if they're all happy with the arrangements as they are there isn't any problem to be fixed, and your children are unlikely to be traumatised by being put to bed by their grandparents for a few nights.