Exciting idea or madness.

[Rainydaysbeforesun]

I'm looking for thoughts on a potential life changing idea before I discuss with OH. At the moment we, early sixties, live in the rural SE. Rented property, big house, big garden. For the last two years OH has struggled to find work and is working v short term contracts. No security. He is very resilient but every month rent day comes round and it's tense. Our bills are big. We have always split finances fifty fifty and his share is the rent. I pay all bills. Realistically I can't pay both, it would wipe out my entire salary every month. I have come up with what may seem a radical solution which is to move to Manchester. City centre flat right (rented) in the middle of everything that is going on, on site pool and gym, concierge, bills included, cleaning service, would be half of our current total expenditure. Obviously smaller than current house but all I can think of is less cleaning, less rackety maintenance, less gardening which is a huge chore, no need for a car, pool and gym which we can't afford now and just the buzz of a city. It's very attractive to me for many reasons, it would be less household work, which all falls to me at the moment, I would be nearer to my adult DC who lives in Manchester and my elderly parents, and crucially, I'm from Manchester. I think we would have more disposable income to do things rather than stay home all the time. On the other hand it's a huge lifestyle change. From rural to city.OH loves rural living and would probably say oh everything will work out. But our current lifestyle, which I think is dull and boring will be financially impossible soon. I feel like I need a plan rather than relying on things working out. And it feels like an exciting idea. Am I being unreasonable to pursue this idea because OH loves the country or am I totally reasonable to go for a lifestyle change?

Makes total sense to downsize and to be closer to family, but maybe city centre apartment is too much of a leap?

How about a smaller house somewhere close to Manchester, like Hebden Bridge etc? Somewhere that won't be as much of a culture shock?

We live in a house 10 mins walk from Manchester city centre and we plan to retire into an apartment in the centre. Ideal for old age

That's exciting. I think it's the closeness of things to do that appeals and just sheer convenience.

You need to figure out how to get his head out of the sand and have the conversation. Your current situation is only sustainable because you're facilitating it hugely.

It's not fair on you. Make yourself bigger and more of a priority for both of you.

I live in Manchester. It's fabulous but the well set-up city centre flats are pretty pricey. That said, I'd go for it

OP it sounds a brilliant adventure that solves a lot of problems in one go. Also as we get older need to think ahead so preempt problems. How to manage if health declines, how to manage if one person left on own etc. It’s better to make a positive choice rather than having to react in a crisis.

It sounds as though it will be great for more family connections for you. Is DH close to your family? Your current situation sounds as if you have outgrown it and it all sounds very one way. Can you both have a positive conversation about how you see your retirement together? Then if you know what’s most vital/desirable for one another hatch plan? Or just go for your brilliant idea🤣

A city centre flat with a wrap around balcony is going to be very expensive. Can you afford it?

Living rurally can get very difficult as you age, with more medical appointments and very often, not being about to drive anymore. City living in my view is much easier in old age.

I would agree with aiming to be a Townie! As a 67 yr old who lives alone, I can assure you that living more than five minutes from a good train/bus/tram and shops, docs, and hospitals is just NOT on my agenda and never will be now! Of course I did dream of a rural idyll but the practicality of that was zero really. And there is safety (even if it's just a perception) where there are more people around.

I own my own house, never previously married, nor do I have kids. Sounds like a sad life on paper, but it thankfully is amazing. The freedom! I do have some spare cash and a reasonable pension though, so that really helps.

I am going to be very nosey and maybe a bit intrusive, but is there any reason why you don't own a property together given the working and income history of your DH and you? Maybe funds were swallowed up in divorce settlements, but surely both of you would have ended up with something - if there was something there to begin with I suppose.

I wish you well. Discuss it of course, but if DH becomes obstinate you will just have to reach a mutually suitable compromise otherwise there is only a resentful and frugal future ahead of you both.

One thing I do want to do is actively plan for getting older. I don't want my children to worry about travelling for hours because I'm older or devoting time they don't have because I live in the middle of no where and I'm worried about hospital appointments. I am very aware of how as you get older things take physically more time and it takes longer to recover so I want to manage the physical burdens imposed by where I live. I can do the garden now but I won't be able to do it in fifteen years time. And I want to stay engaged and excited by things so I would love to be close to the art gallery in Manchester and the theatres.

Yes divorce at the root of financial peculiarities. We both did, back in the day have houses with mortgages. I haven't ever really had any money but have made great efforts to save over the last five years, really worked hard at my career. That's maybe why I'm now so risk averse.

Just something you might explore in your own time, and privately by yourself. I don't know your ages but it might be worth checking out over 55s accommodation council provided. That may want you to put your hands in the air in horror and say NO, NO, NO!

But just check it out anyway. From what I hear it is far easier to secure such properties than it is to acquire a family home. If you found one in an area suitable for both of you, then firstly it would be affordable, and secondly you will have security of tenure for the rest of your lives. Worth checking out before you dismiss it anyway I'd say.

Compromise is the way to go here. But you do really have to point out to DH the imbalance in household chores applicable to both of you. And the additional costs of living rurally also. What if you went on strike!

I think you might have an attack of the vapours at the age cohort housing though, but please don't dismiss it until you have explored it fully. In the context of your DH failing health, accessible properties like these might be an absolute godsend too.

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In fairness to your OH, u need to discuss it with them

That's not how relationships work.

Makes me wonder how anyone sustains a relationship when the solution to any conundrum is 'go without him'.

There is this adult thing called 'having a conversation'

So he wants a lifestyle that is reliant on you making it work by doing all the hard work.

Unless he is a complete idiot he must see how unfair this is.

You are both getting older. Frankly you won't be able to do all the physical work it takes to run a big place so what he wants won't really be relevant will it.

Added to this the issue of how the rent will be paid once you retire, it's just unrealistic that you stay.

This isn't to do who who wants what but simply what you can afford and what you can physically handle.

Big conversation needed where you present him with these facts If he is not willing to face reality then your whole relationship is somewhat doomed for more reasons than this house

Do you have enough saved up to pay the rent etc for as long as you might live?

I think you need to have a serious talk with dh and if he wont talk tell him the potential implications of that - ie you both living separately, which would benefit you more than him from the sounds if things