Christmas tit for tat

[Tralalalala2]

I should caveat this with, have always been reasonable and encouraging about husband spending time with family - no issues with in-laws etc

Christmas arrangements have been raised for this year & we want to get things firmed up. It’s our turn to go to my parents this year and see my side. Last year not so smooth at BILs house when I had to spell out to DH post dinner games we had to go as my family 40 mins away were waiting. DH miffed & yes - despite no obvious times set in stone, it really shouldn’t have came as surprise we needed to leave. Ironically I also made exec decision to go to BILs in effort to keep everyone happy.

Fast fwd to this year DH just raised it ‘to avoid same thing happening as last year.’ Which not only is a bit of a dig lol, but clearly setting out dinner with my family first, then to his side after. Again I need to emphasise I have no probs in principle, but feel frustrated if my family involved it seems to immediately qualify time with his family too on Christmas Day? For context, DH would be perfectly content spending Christmas at ours with no commitments to seeing anyone. However he knows two close siblings will still call. Also they would call regardless at any point of the day. Feel like DH just needs to ensure we see his side if my side involved - and because of what happened last year. AIBU? Sorry if you’ve made it this far 😂

I'm with DH.

If you made him leave his family on Christmas day so you could also see yours then why would it not work in reverse?

Personally, I would have stayed at BIL's on Christmas Day and seen your family on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day and then done that in reverse this year. If you want to see both sides on the same day then that's fine but it works both ways.

thanks@NuffSaidSam
didn’t make him ‘leave’ his family on Christmas Day as such - I out of fairness made the suggestion we had dinner there to see his side, when I could have just out the foot down and insisted we go to my parents. Other factors are my side are kind of exclusively Christmas Day arrangements (I’ll not bore with details) rather than other days an option.

Anyway it was a practical timing issue that we had to leave when we did. But my point is just seems we’ve now to fit in both again & it’s like fitting his side is to just try and counterbalance. As I said he’d rather we stayed at home but then that’s knowing his siblings would all visit.

Yeah, I'm still with DH.

Why shouldn't he tit for tat? Why are you able to 'put your foot down' and insist on Christmas with your family rather than his family/at home, surely it should just be taking turns?

If last year you did dinner with his family and then went to yours then this year you do the same in reverse (or do dinner with your family and go home after if that's DH's preference).

I can't see why DH is being unreasonable for wanting a 50% stake in Christmas.

Also not understanding the issue. Why did you see your side last year if this year is their turn? You did both then so both is now the norm surely?

Yabu

I can't understand what you're asking here really.

You saw both families last year.
DH wants to do the same but in reverse this year.

Seems fair enough to be.

Dh is right and only proposing what you made him feel bad for last year, he is also not wrong to want to communicate and ensure that everyone’s expectations prior to the day are clear

I’m with DH. You split Christmas Day between both sides last year so you split it again this year. YABU.

Going forward you either split Christmas Day every year or alternate CD with each family. If your family don’t do anything on the other days, then you have a boring Boxing Day with them.

Do you always spell things out and put your foot down with DH?

You are the unreasonable one. You made him leave his family last Christmas ,so you should leave your family this Christmas. You need to come up with a better arrangement.

I’m confused, so even though it was your turn to spend Christmas with his family last year you made your DH leave when he was having a good time to see your family.

Now he’s raised the point that because he had to leave half way through the day last year ( even though it was his families turn) he wants it to be equal this year and leave your families Christmas to go see his.

Have I got this right? If so I don’t see an issue.

If your family don’t do anything other than Christmas Day that’s not your DH or his family’s fault, if they can’t accommodate other days that’s down to them.

It’s difficult to understand without details.

If you left BIL’s house at 4pm to squeeze in your family, leaving your parents house at 4pm to squeeze in his family sounds fair.

When you got married was your husband aware he was just an extra in your main character life?

It was his side of the family’s ‘turn’ last year and you insisted on leaving early to drive 40 minutes to see your parents?

Pfft. No wonder he is making sure it’s reciprocal this year. You don’t get to crowbar seeing your parents on Christmas Day as well as his, then pull a face when he expects the same.

YABU - and it sounds like you were rude last year with all your spelling out and putting a foot down.

Op you have to admit you more or less ate and ran last year, that seems a tad rude to me.

You either continue the eat and run thing and see both families on Christmas Day or you revert to a proper turn about with families.

Unless your parents are working 26th the I'd see them then or the Sunday between Christmas and NY.

Either you've explained it badly or his view seems completely reasonable.

why does it matter that his siblings visit if you stay home?

why don't you do a 3 yearly rotation
His family
your family
stay home.

on your family year you can do Christmas on Boxing day if they're all open to it.

Perhaps it is just the way you have phrased it, but there seem to be a lot of red flags (about you!) in your post....

Firstly when you make this point that you are "reasonable" about him seeing his family - I mean, so you fucking should be unless you want to be an isolating abuser. It shouldn't really need saying that you are ok with your husband seeing his family in general.

Then you use phrases like "spell it out", "exec decision", "put my foot down". Do you genuinely behave like this, giving orders to him, and if so how do you imagine that makes him feel?

Please, check yourself. None of this is very healthy.

And of course you see both families this year too, as is fair. Baffling that you need to ask .....

If she keeps on like this it won’t be a problem next year. She’s probably one executive decision away from spending every Christmas with her parents.

@Ilovelurchers @StormingNorman thanks for your time in replying! Just want to be clear tho that certain words I used that you quoted above - I get how you have taken them but tbh I just tried to condense the issues as best possible without writing an essay. I should also be clear it wasn’t DH turn as such last year, it was my suggestion we did his side actually. But bc of feeling a lot of pressure from side (ie grandparents and my extended family wanting to see their faces opening gifts etc, general Christmas Day joy) that I then felt like had to squeeze it all in. Unfortunately it resulted in me feeling like I couldn’t keep anyone happy really at the end of the day. To be clear I didn’t make him leave his family as it’s being construed. It was part of a plan and shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone. And also to address that I shouldn’t have included caveat re in-laws - I simply did this to avoid any suggestion I had issues with in-laws.

Thanks all for replies. Made me come
back to what I already know and realise (and what some v reasonable ppl here have suggested) which is either continue the madness and fit everyone in one day or need to just start doing Christmas ourselves.

I just find Christmas plans v stressful and when I try to keep everyone happy doesn’t always mean that’s the result! DH not unreasonable to want to see his family for christmas at all 🙂 but I think the nuance and detail is hard to communicate on MN. It’s humbling 😆🤣

I think you have a communication problem.

Why can’t you spend Christmas at your own house and let the kids play?

GP can see them any other time,

Thanks @Silvertulips I’d like that, but unfortunately it means disappointing people by not seeing them Christmas Day! Things aren’t always so clear cut in terms of feeling guilty when it comes to family. 🤷‍♀️

Op you need to do proper turns about,
Full day with one family or start hosting.

I think trying to fit too much into Christmas just becomes a hassle.

Are your kids the first of the next generation?
New traditions are needed. My sister tried what your trying, church, one family then dinner with the other. And felt it was a nightmare after a couple of years of that they decided to start hosting. Which also has the advantage of not dragging kids away from their new stuff.

We started alternating who was hosting once I settled.

Well we don't get invited anywhere so it's a nice problem to have! We always just have the day at home with kids & don't visit anyone. You might just find that easier & maybe invite people over to you for brunch or something?

First things first OP! This is all out of hand before its started..Point 1 you need to realise that you cannot and will not please everyone all the time regarding christmas,there is only so much you can do without damaging YOUR own family, you dh and your kids. So the guilt has to stop. Secondly what is best for YOUR family? Would the kids like to be at home? If so then thats priority not trailing all over to please your side and dhs side. Why can't you stay at home and see either side the day before or the day after? Or if not stay at home and you host both families on the same day? Do both families get on? If so book a meal for everyone and all go out for lunch,do presents there and come home?Then no one is having no one and you are all together at the same time with no running about?
It doesn't have to be so hard you know. If it was me and I felt like you do in November I would be packing up and booking a flight out of here on the 23rd and be laying on a sun lounger having christmas on a beach with dh and the kids.

Your Christmas sounds exhausting.
You are going to have to do what you did last year in reverse this year though otherwise it will look like favouritism.
I can’t imagine what the reason could be that you HAVE to see your family Christmas Day only and no other days are an option. That sounds like an excuse from your family to have everything their way, perhaps where you have got your own mentality from when it comes to planning Christmas.