Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think that dh might spend some of his 'bonus' and other money coming his way on me??

60 replies

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/04/2008 18:48

Ok. At the moment we have just scraped through last month. As we have had a holiday and some other unexpected bills so it has been tight but we have made it, just! Not the usually month that we have and we are usually fine and comfortable, so to speak.

Dh is getting a bonus from work and also has some other money coming from somewhere else this month too. I have got a couple of things in mind thatI would like, the same as he has said there is a coupleof things that he would like.

Should he spend it on me as well as himself??

OP posts:

jura · 28/04/2008 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 28/04/2008 19:46

Yes dropdead, it is depressing. While I was still with my 'ruler', my Mum was talking about my Grandma, who had had 8 children, couldn't drive, cooked and cleaned for ten people, and never had any say in anything........ Oh fcuk! Make the 8 children 2 children and I'm in the same shoes as my Grandmother! That was quite a smell the coffee moment for me.

Xenia, I would have loved to have 'out earned' him, but I couldn't get him to stump up for a month's childcare in advance.

So many women are still so trapped! In 2008. I was one of them.

Wheelybug · 28/04/2008 19:47

DH's bonuses either go into savings or pay for something for us all - eg. a holiday or something for the house, car etc. But, he's not one to blow money on himself. If it was my bonus it would all go on shoes and handbags

stillstanding · 28/04/2008 19:51

Ultimately it depends on how your marriage works. Mine works that we are a unit and what we bring in - little or large - is for the melting pot. Both contribute equally at the end of day regardless of ££ input. We used to each have a little his and her pocket money when we were first married but quickly realised it was a total farce and stopped it. Wouldn't dream of keeping my bonus to myself and I would be pretty surprised if DH tried to. Ultimately though you trust each other to spend wisely and if I wanted to treat myself to something I would and would presume that he would do the same. I find it very, very odd when married people have this whole his and hers concept - you're in it together FGS and should respect each other's contributions regardless of what money value the outside world puts on it.

eandh · 28/04/2008 19:51

My DH had alot of overtime this month (he worked 12 hour days over the 4 days at easter at 3x pay) and I also got a £500 bonus this month (I work part time in a bank) we agreed we needed to make a dent in our credit card bill but have compromised DH wants some new biking shoes/pedals and I want my hair cut and coloured.

DH has now set his heart on buying the dd's a wooden playhouse so although we'll make a substantial payment on card we are all having a treat as well

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 28/04/2008 19:55

That's how a marriage should work, but sadly there are a lot of very thick very selfish men who jsut don't get it.

Crunchie · 28/04/2008 20:06

rookie, let me explain again. DH contributes NOTHING to the main houshold joint account. I pay for everything, he gets to keep ALL his income.

I OTOH pay all the bills and everything. After that has been taken care of we approx have the same disposable income.

Now if he earns good ££ he will buy a treat for him - eg Playstation 3 the day it came out, or a couple of weeks ago a 40" TV!! When I have a bonus I am more likely to buy shoes! or a new sofa! Or this year Ihave splashed out on extra holidays.

If we pooled all our £ we couldn't buy each other presents

TheFallenMadonna · 28/04/2008 20:07

Ah. I was wondering when presents would come up.

stillstanding · 28/04/2008 20:08

I don't get the presents thing ... why can't you buy presents for each other?! Tres odd.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/04/2008 20:09

'Cos of course it's the money and not the thought and effort that counts...

rookiemater · 28/04/2008 20:11

I didn't see your follow on thread Crunchie. If you have a system that seems roughly equal and it works for you , then fine, but I still think that unless its all pooled and then you take some out, it has the potential to not be equal so can lead to problems .

We each get a monthly allowance and treats and presents come from that. Its not a lot though so if it was something like a night away then it would come out of the joint account. Yes I suppose it would be more romantic if DH was "treating" me but as he happens to earn more because the stability of my salary allows him to take the risk of contracting with the associated higher earnings, then I'd be a tad peed off about the whole thing.

BouncingTurtle · 28/04/2008 20:18

Nope, don't think YABU. Me and my Dh get bonuses from work, this year mine went on my car insurance and a nice new washing machine - I put my foot down as I was fed up of the racket our old one was making and wanted a better machine. His is going mostly to pay for holidays/trips for us with a couple of treats for himself.
So we do kind of share our bonuses.

Original poster

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/04/2008 20:20

Hi,

Only just seen your comments guys.

Yes, my hubby wanted me to stay at home with the children. He makes a point of telling everyone that he wants his children looked after by myself until they are at school. So his choice.

He didn't, however, think this through as he now feels begrudged to share 'HIS' money with the family.

I do everything I can for the chldren with the CB and WTC, I come last and don't usually have anything to spend on myself but I don't mind as my children come before my needs.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 28/04/2008 20:29

Your DH isn't coming across brilliantly atm but I'm sure he has his redeeming features.

I would just be really matter of fact about it and if he mentions he wants to buy x costing £X then you mention item y that just happens to cost the same amount. If poss they should be items for your benefit rather than the families, but if this is too difficult then you can make it a family holiday, which sneakily means you get the moral high ground on the matter as well.

WideWebWitch · 28/04/2008 20:37

The alternative is that you go to work and your JOINT family income is spent on

nanny/nursery/childminder
cleaner

AND he does at LEAST 50% of all the stuff needed to keep a house going so

shopping
cooking
organising eg parties
buying presents
ensuring bills are paid
arranging car servicing
taking time off when children are sick
organising holidays
etc
etc
et bloody cetera

If I were you I would suggest he can't have it both ways. If he wants you to be a sahm then that's YOUR contribution and bringing in cash is his. So it should be shared imo.

Btw, we both work ft oth and have a joint account. I earn a lot more than dh but it all goes into the joint account. He has a higher standard of living than he would have were it just his salary. Fair enough, that's the agreement. I don't see it as my money, I see it as our money. But he does drop off and collect children and does at least 50% of all the stuff required to keep the house and children etc going.

WideWebWitch · 28/04/2008 20:38

And he does need a dose of reality in that being at home with children is work.

So I suggest you bugger off for a week somewhere and leave them with him.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/04/2008 20:41

I think I'd be just as cross about my DH wanting me, not one of us, me, to be at home with the children until they were at school as I would be about the money. And I don't work.

rookiemater · 28/04/2008 20:45

Ok not really part of this discussion but TFM don't you think that husbands and fathers have as much right to express opinions about how they want their children to be brought up as women do ?

I agree this situation is unfair, but why shouldn't a DH want a mother to stay at home with her children, as long as its not the same as demanding or ordering her to do it ?

TheFallenMadonna · 28/04/2008 20:49

If my DH had strong feelings about a parent being at home with the children, then I hope he would express them in those terms, and be willing to be that parent himself.

LookattheLottie · 28/04/2008 20:50

I'm a strong believer that every woman and man should have their own money. But I also believe that marriage is a partnership and if you have made a decision together, where one goes out to work and one stays at home, money does need to be shared. With regards to a bonus, each have a treat including the children, and put the rest into savings/pay of some of the mortgage/credit cards etc.

LookattheLottie · 28/04/2008 21:01

How much is a housewife worth?

Staying at home with the children is hard work, it is a job. You're doing your bit, and so is he by going out to work. Ideally, the money coming into the house should be shared if you've agreed that one of you will stay at home. It doesn't seem fair otherwise.

Original poster

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/04/2008 21:05

I would love to go out to work and earn my own money and would love dh to help round the house as, at the moment, he does nothing.

He also see's my looking after the 3 children as me sitting round doing nothing all day.

He never looks after all 3 as he says he can't. Yet I have to. Plus, one of his friends looked after all 3 so I could go to a dentist appt. So if a single male friend of his can do it then why can't he??

I would sooooo love to leave him to it for a week.

OP posts:

helenelisabeth · 28/04/2008 21:15

HappyNewYear - of course he should spend some of it on you, I cannot believe people here are saying "it's his bonus therefore up to him how he spends it". Your a partnership, you look after the children, he works, doesn't mean you shouldn't have any treats.

We too have had a sticky couple of months financially - DH is self-employed. I have sold £1300 worth of my bags/clothes on ebay just to pay bills but you mark my words, when we are back to being more comfortable, I will make sure I get myself a nice new wardrobe for the summer! I don't work but that doesn't mean I shouldn't get anything when there is some extra cash around.

helenelisabeth · 28/04/2008 21:16

Should read you're not your - I did go to school.

Original poster

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/04/2008 21:19

Thanks, helenelisabeth. Whenever we have months that are a bit 'tight' its always me that sells my stuff to help us through. He has loads of things that would make money to help out. All I want is to replace something that I sold to put money into his bank account so that all the bills were paid. Once the bonus and other money comes through I want to replace this item.

Seens as I am a SAHM but manage to pump hundreds of pounds into his bank account each month and he doesn't give me any thanks for it.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread