To have said not to bother getting them a present for Christmas

[isntitjust999]

Me, DH and our DC were visiting my dad today and were discussing Christmas presents.

He was saying he was stressing about what to get everyone and was asking us for some ideas (my siblings, our DC, us). He also briefly said "oh and X & X?" (DHs two older children's names), I think just because DH was there more than anything. I responded telling my dad not to worry about getting DSC anything and he said okay.

Husband on the way home said he thought that was dismissive of me and was upset by the comment as though I don't care about DSC.

My dad and DSC have next to no relationship. They have met a handful of times usually at things involving our DC (their birthday parties for example) and that's it. He isn't close to them and they aren't close to him, probably wouldn't even notice each other in the street to be honest. DSC are 10 (DSD) and 13 (DSS).

So I don't think it's terribly unreasonable to tell my dad to not worry about getting them something for Christmas. In previous years I think he's just bought them a selection box although honestly I can't even much remember.

AIBU to have told my dad he didn't need to buy my step children a present for Christmas.

If he offered you should have suggested something...

Sorry I do think you are being unreasonable here and it does come across as dismissive. I think if telling him not to get anything it should have come from your partner

Hmm. I think it would have been fine if he wasn't planning to get them anything (in these circumstances). But the fact that he did mention them and you said no... I can see why your DH found that hurtful.

I think you should have suggested something, even if it was just a selection box

Out of interest, did you tell him not to bother buying anything for you?

YANBU

I got the sense that my dad was saying it more out of politeness because DH was sat there. Anything he gets isn't going to be expensive and to be quite honest would be wasted on teens who only want expensive stuff these days. Ive seen how anything they get thats cheap / not money is just thrown under the bed never to be looked at again and he was already stressing about buying the people he actually knows presents, I just didn't want him worrying about that too considering they have no relationship anyway (DSC won't miss a present from my dad).

I'm sure he'll still bring them some chocolate which imo is enough considering their relationship.

Yes I always tell him not to bother with me and DH! He never listens but I always say we are fine and don't need to get us anything. Although eventually I'll suggest something small so he's not looking around with no clue as he wouldn't not get us anything.

How old are they? Are they likely to be around when your dad is handing out presents to you and your DC? I think these points make a difference, if the SC are adults leading their own life I think you are right, if they are younger and will be with you I think it is a bit sad you are discouraging him from doing a nice thing.

They are 10 & 13 but no won't be there when he's giving presents to our DC

Sorry, just seen they are teenagers. I think the suggestion of selection box is fine, my teenage GS eat their own weight in chocolate over Christmas.

I think it’s fine. He only offered as your oh was there. The fact he was quick to agree with you when you said not to bother says that. They don’t know eachother and won’t expect a gift. Is your oh going to get him a gift from the step kids?
You should help him with the others, suggestions or doing it for him. My dad gets very stressed by the whole thing too

Not a problem if you told him not to bother getting your children anything either. It is lovely when a step grandparent treats the step grandkids as part of their family too. No wonder DH was upset with you. Basically you were telling your dad they weren't family

I have relatives that I have no real relation to
thinks SIL step children that doesn't live with them

I dont know who will be around who when gifts are being opened and I hate to think of them feeling left out. last Christmas we bought each niece/nephew a box of heros or celebrations. went down incredibly well and they were all happy/grateful and was such an affordable option

I have exactly this thing with my mum and my husband's nieces. Every year they get an Apple gift card sellotaped to a giant bar of Dairy Milk and wrapped up. I organise it to minimise my mum's stress - she'd hate to see them and be empty handed but also can't get round the shops easily or shop online.

Maybe smoothing it over with your husband in a 'I only brushed it off cause I was going to sort a token and we didn't need to talk it over now' is diplomatic.

I think it would have been nicer to suggest he got them a selection box or similar, so that he could make that connection but not spend much time or money on it.

It sounds like you are a bit negative about Christmas in general?

He'd never not get our DC something so that would be pointless. He's very close to them and sees them multiple times a week.

Hardly the same thing.

I do think he'll likely still bring chocolate like he does every other year from memory to be honest. Just didn't want him stressing about a proper present or spending money.

I think it was unreasonable that you were the one saying it, It would have been different if it was your DH, but under those circumstances it probably wasn't very tactful.

Why didn't you let your DH respond, seeing as they're his children?

OP this was an opportunity for your stepchildren to feel really included in your family and you shut it down. They’re still kids! Seeing their half siblings open presents for people when they do t have the same can be really shit. You had no right to say that.

It wasn’t your place to say that. If your DH felt your father doesn’t need to buy his eldest two a gift, he could say so. He didn’t.

It was dismissive of you. “I could pick them up a Starbucks voucher for you if you like, Dad” … that would be being helpful. “Don’t bother with DH’s children” definitely isn’t.

I’m not surprised your DH is unimpressed.

Anything he gets isn't going to be expensive and to be quite honest would be wasted on teens who only want expensive stuff these days

So I take it when your kids are teens you’ll be absolutely fine with their grandad getting them nothing seeing as he can’t meet their expensive expectations?

You could have suggested box of sweets or toiletries gift set (13 year old boys go through them easily) instead of being so dismissive. Your husband has the right to be very annoyed, they are still his children whether you like them or not.

If he'd previously just got them a selection box why the stress about worrying what to get them?

TBH I think this whole thing stinks. You barely have the SC over as it is and you want to visibly reduce the amount of Christmas presents they get from their dad’s side of the family? And they will notice! I still remember the selection box step grandparents and aunties and uncles (my DD is 11 and has expensive taste but also loves anything to unwrap except chocolate).