To have said not to bother getting them a present for Christmas

[isntitjust999]

Me, DH and our DC were visiting my dad today and were discussing Christmas presents.

He was saying he was stressing about what to get everyone and was asking us for some ideas (my siblings, our DC, us). He also briefly said "oh and X & X?" (DHs two older children's names), I think just because DH was there more than anything. I responded telling my dad not to worry about getting DSC anything and he said okay.

Husband on the way home said he thought that was dismissive of me and was upset by the comment as though I don't care about DSC.

My dad and DSC have next to no relationship. They have met a handful of times usually at things involving our DC (their birthday parties for example) and that's it. He isn't close to them and they aren't close to him, probably wouldn't even notice each other in the street to be honest. DSC are 10 (DSD) and 13 (DSS).

So I don't think it's terribly unreasonable to tell my dad to not worry about getting them something for Christmas. In previous years I think he's just bought them a selection box although honestly I can't even much remember.

AIBU to have told my dad he didn't need to buy my step children a present for Christmas.

i would have just suggested simple stuff - selection boxes or toiletries. Your SCs are part of the family. 🤷‍♀️

Yes you could have suggested a selection box or a box of celebrations. What kid wouldn’t like that? If it’s hard for him or he is flapping about it, you can get it for him (that’s what I do for my elderly parents as they start worrying otherwise.) So yes your partner has a point.

YABU , it would be fine if your dad gave them a small gift or no gift but it’s totally out of order for you to say don’t bother about them .

My other post should have said DD loves to unwrap everything ESPECIALLY chocolates not except but it’s too late to edit 🙄

I think it's dreadful that you said that to be honest. The kids are 10 and 13, they aren't say 16/17. I have an 11 year old and he most definitely doesn't just want expensive stuff.
Some sweets, toiletries, a book, a fidgit toy, something like that.

To my mind all kids in a family should be treated the same. I understand he may not want to spend the same amount of money on them as your kids but they should certainly get something.

If I was your husband I'd be really hurt. It kind of gives the impression you don't see them as family .

It's not the "dad's side of the family" though is it, it's the stepmother's side.

Well it is because the stepmother is part of the dad’s family. And their step GD already gets them a gift. How cruel to purposefully stop that happening especially when it’s clear they have little contact with them anyway

What you should have told him is 'Dad we don't need any gifts! The kids would like X, Y,Z but forget about us adults'!
My parents had minimal relationship with my step kids, who were teens when I got married to their father. If they were seeing them over Christmas at ours they'd get them a book or something like that, but not if they weren't going to.
But it was up to your DH to answer this to your father.

Do you like your step children OP? It's coming across like you don't...

Yanbu

Not for your dad to get them presents. They've already got 2 sets of theoretical grandparents (depending if still alive) and he has no relationship with them. Waste of his money to get token presents. you and dh can make them feel included with the other family units in their lives in other ways.

It was a bit mean-spirited and I can see why your husband was annoyed. It was reinforcing how unimportant your husband’s children are to your family; that you don’t consider them family. It’s one of those situations in life where you accidentally let your true feelings show.

You could have asked your DH to suggest something small.

I agree. My mum never bought for my stepson because he barely knows her. Especially as he wasn't ever with us on xmas day.
He would expect it either.

I was expecting 15+. You’re mean.

And that she’ll be counting them as teens from age 10 🥲

The difference is the OP’s dad has bought for them in previous years. To inexplicably stop when they’re still kids isn’t very nice.

You were utterly unreasonable and I wouldn't be impressed either. Just unnecessarily mean-spirited.

YABU. He was being respectful to your DH and you were totally dismissive. He only gets them something small anyway so why tell him not to bother? I'm with your DH