Husband wanting sympathy when I am ill

[WifeOfMacbeth]

We have been taking turns with a nasty cold virus.

He had it first, for a few days. and as it made him tired. I took over all chores, shopping, cooking etc. Then as he began to recover I went down with it.

I seem to be having it worse. It has been going on for a week. I have bad chest pain and am coughing incessantly. Sleeping has been hard because of all the pain and coughing so I am tired. Then yesterday some dental bridgework fell out, which was upsetting as now I have a gap in my teeth. I am also having to cancel a lot of stuff because I can only manage an hour or so at a time out of bed

My husband has cooked, though he has commented several times about having to do this 'again' and how he can't think what to make etc.Today he also went to the shops because we were out of basics, and put wet washing in the dryer.

He does sometimes go a bit weak if he hasn't eaten enough and this morning was one of those times. I had retreated to bed and he came in, propped himself against the chest of drawers and began moaning about all the things he'd had to do and how he was going to faint.

I told him I didn't want to know when I was so ill. He was an adult and should be capable of feeding himself rather than making a fuss.

He has now gone off in a huff. Right now Ihonestly feel as if it might be easier to crawl round and manage by myself

Though as this AIBU perhaps someone will suggest I should get up, cook a three course lunch and tell him ho marvellous he is.

Have you got children? If not the you can both be ill and go to bed. Order in food and neither of you do anything until next week.

Jesus christ how unattractive, did you remind him of how you got on with it when he was ill?

Can't stand people like this.

Children are grown up and away. He is pretty much recovered, though still coughing occasionally while I am very much in the middle of it. Yes I can suggest ready meals and takeaways. Though he is a perfectly competent cook.

How unattractive.
Tell him to cop the fxxk on.

Clearly you do far too much that doing very basic tasks are such a big deal for him.

Let this be a lesson for you.
Stop doing too much.
Stay in bed.

In fact, I did a very simple meal on Wednesday. He cooked something from scratch on Thursday. Last night and tonight it is defrosted stuff out of the freezer.

Ugh, some men can't bear it if their wives dare to be ill.
I'd be really pissed off with him.

going faint sounds so dramatic.

It never ceases to amaze me when people can’t have a giggle over these moments of marital comedy gold. His dramatics would have had me in hysterics.

Tell him to make himself a sandwich and leave the jobs for another day. Later one of you can bung a couple of jackets in the oven to have with beans for dinner. It’s literally five minutes work to prep and serve.

You are both ill and have no children at home so just muddle through together. Don’t get competitive about who has it worst.

Be careful @WifeOfMacbeth - he’ll be getting the Dressing Gown of Doom on in a minute just to SHOW you how faint he feels 🙄🤣

My sense of humour isn't great because of the pain and exhaustion. I feel sad about cancelling a number of events I was looking forward to. Eating is rather odd because I now have a two tooth gap where the bridge fell out and the dental work to sort everything out may be time consuming and expensive.

If you're both struggling ready meals might be the way to go for a bit

Less ill does not equal fine.

Just get some takeaways and deal with this when your both better

My assessment would be that he is well enough to cope with basic shopping and cooking. He does not have paid work to do as well.

It may be that on some level he is alarmed, realising that I am more sick than usual. I think he is trying to pull things back and make them normal. (Hey, you're meant to look after me too.) Right now I can't do it.

Just because you are more sick doesn’t mean he isn’t still quite sick—he may be relapsing of having a rebound.

But I think the thing to do us be upfront:

DH you need to take care of me and the house for the next week without complaint or asking for help from me. I took care if you last week and ran myself into the ground. I think you can return the favour.

My husband and I had a nasty thing like this - for a month. Both together, no kids, he had it a bit worse, (he's significantly older), so I took care of stuff.
Not once he wanted sympathy, whined or was a drama queen.
Told me every day how much he appreciates what I do for him and did what he could himself, usually the "admin".
He's 75.
This would be massively off-putting, basically what the wise tomato sandwich person said.
🙁

It does sound it but also I can get like that sometimes and it really does feel awful.

A capable adult not feeding himself then draping himself around the place saying he might faint? Performative and pathetic.

Spot on.

FYI my 64 year old dh has, I think, walking pneumonia and though I tried to keep him in bed he still did the laundry and declogged the shower of years worth of blockage. If I were sick he would have kept me in bed and done all the household tasks. Its not a male/female issue its the kind of man your dp is.

It's a bit confusing because on one level he means to be caring but it comes across in a way that can appear quite draining/fussy/performative.

'Oh you don't feel well enough to cook. Then I'd better cook. But I can't think of anything because I did sausages last night. What else do we have? I'd better look in the freezer. Oh dear we don't have any vegetables. I'm going to have to go to the shops even though it's nasty out. Is there other stuff we need?'

It would be so much easier if he just said, 'No problem. I'll sort it."

The being faint thing has been a source of conflict on and off for years. I suspect it is blood sugar going low - a kind of near diabetic thing and I have made it clear he needs to manage it by having stuff like dark chocolate with him when he goes out/sitting and having a small snack as soon as the first signs of faintness appears. But he will quite regulardecide that he 'has' to do this and that and the other first. And by the time he has done all these unnecessary things he has worked himself up into a state where he becomes quite irrational and feels misunderstood and is almost aggressive in his manner. Even at the best of times - which this is not- that can be trying

Tell him you're going to faint harder. You win.

Now he can get up and pull his weight by doing the same for you that you did for him when he was ill.

Anything less is selfish one-sided and lazy.

It all sounds like a lot of drama for a couple of colds.

With grown up children, how much shopping/cooking/chores can possibly need doing?

If you're feeling so unwell I can't imagine you feel like eating much anyway?

Book a supermarket delivery. Order some ready meals. Get a takeaway. Leave the hoovering and the washing.

How do you think people who live on their own manage??

I can also get like that if I’ve not eaten and it is horrible but I think it sounds like he’s blaming the fact he’s so doing so much looking after his sick wife and trying to make her feel bad about it!

he needs to have a snack and some water and get on with it…

I am frustrated because this has lasted a week and it seems to be getting worse not better. I know it is simply a virus and will pass but I have not been this unwell for years.

I am generally healthy but am now quite well on in years which doesn't help. The dental thing was also an unpleasant shock.

I shall probably leave talking to my husband till tomorrow. By then I may have had a bit more sleep.

I'll ask if he feels able to shoulder routine/essential tasks for a few more days. If not, he can do stuff like organising deliveries, as people have suggested. Though I suspect he will find it easier to stick to routine as we don't have regular supermarket deliveries/use Deliveroo etc and he is happier doing what he knows.

How is your breathing op?
Be careful of pneumonia, it can creep up upon you.