Feeling guilty about my Sh$t father

[Herehavesomemoney]

Name change as some family members know my other UN.
My father has never been a dad to me or my DSis, he started cheating on my DM when she got pregnant with me as was a terrible husband, never there for us and he finally left for another woman when I was 12. Over the years I have barely spoken to him, he has married (and divorced) 3 other women and I have also found out my DM was his second wife. I was never invited to any of the weddings and we spoke maybe 3 times in 30 years. He didn't come to my wedding and has only seen his grandchildren twice.
Anyway cut to recently, he is now early 90's and got very ill. He called me disorientated and breathless - I swung into action calling the police and paramedics to go to his address. I live in Yorkshire and he lives in Kent so over 6hrs drive away.
I was told when he got to hospital that he was very close to death so I came down. He was living in squalor and didn't know who I was.
Long story short I've been up and down numerous times over the last 4 week, cleaned and sorted his house. He was sleeping in a broken chair so I've bought a bed and a recliner chair, paid for bills, bought food.
Now I know he never asked me to do this and yes, I did it to make myself feel less guilty as I know I would feel crap if I did nothing but I've not had any thanks or anything from my father.
He has asked for my help with moving some money around and paying some bills and what do you know he has £1000's in savings. I've paid out on fuel, time off work, food, hotels, furniture and even getting fined as his street is now a school street which means it's pedestrianised around school times - who knew that was a thing!
He was released from hospital with a catheter and still has it but the community nurses have him at the bottom of a long list. I'm getting phone calls 2 / 3 times a day sometimes just to talk.
He keeps calling and asking for more and more, now asking me to set up a food delivery for him but of cause I'm supposed to pay. He has offered me no money and even said that it's my turn to look after him! Joke.
I'm just so exhausted, both mentally and physically. My DH is angry at both me and him, as I keep taking his calls.
I don't know what I want from this thread, sympathy, a way to get out, or some coping mechanisms or just a rant?
Sorry so not to drip feed, no partner in the picture for him and my DSis is in NZ so it's just me.

I'm sorry you are in this position. You know you owe him nothing. I can understand why you have wanted to help. You need to have a proper think about what you want to or can offer from now on, and of course he needs to pay for things himself. It's ok to say no. Think about how to enforce your boundaries moving forward. It's unlikely he will ever thank you or apologise for what he has done. It's ok to be done with him too.

Ask him to talk about the past and find out how he feels about it. Is there any remorse or reflection? Does he want to put things right? Has he asked you how he can help you now (you can say money, you know!)

If those things are a dead end, I'd want to say "it's a shame we aren't closer because I didn't see much of you. You might be better off those people who spent your time with."

If he's willing to to put things right, I'd want to help but I'd also be telling him how much it was costing me and how much he'd have to pay for carers to do these things. It's not being grabby but it's also about not being out of pocket. No decent parent would want their children to be putting themselves out of pocket for them.

Thanks for the messages. But that’s the thing he is not a decent or even acceptable parent, never has been.
He has done some talking about the past, the reason why he cheated on my DM was because she miscarried a boy before having me and DSis and that made him sad, reason why all his relationships failed the women were all psycho alcoholics (wonder what the common denominator was!!!) and the reason why he couldn’t come to my wedding was I didn’t give him enough warning (gave 18 months but he wanted to book a holiday to the US instead).
I remember when I was young we weren’t poor but DM had to be frugal and she worked, he had numerous Pierre Cardin 3 piece suits.
I think I’ll have to ignore the calls and only answer one every few days, if nothing else for my sanity.

Send a short message "I will not be assisting you any more. Do not contact me again", then block him. You have already done more than enough and you are not obligated whatsoever. This person is worth less than a stranger to you.

@Dotto are you sure you’re not my DH?

I can relate to this so much. My dad is crap and every so often threatens to come and live with me when he’s had a argument with his partner, and put me as his next of kin when he’s arrested or in hospital! He doesn’t look after himself and then when it goes to shit calls me.
he’s never been a dad to me, but is incapable of looking after himself- he never asks about me or my children even when one of my children has been very unwell. In fact while I was in great Ormond he was also in hospital and I was having his doctors call me to tell me what a nightmare he was being.
I have had to draw a hard boundary and say there is no way he will ever live with me. I would suggest you step back, and get onto the community nurses and explain the situation and that you live a distance away.
I’d also tell him that you don’t have enough money to cover his shopping. Perhaps you can set up an online order for him but tell him that’s on him to pay for it. Just keep saying no if he pushes you on it and say that you know he has enough money to cover his own food costs and you don’t as you’re providing for your own family.
sending you lots of sympathy as I can completely relate to the odd guilt you feel even though he’s been a terrible absent father.

He's still the same selfish user he always was, except now he thinks he has an excuse to suck you dry. You have absolutely no obligation to him whatsoever. He was a neglectful sperm donor, not a father. Your dh is right--stop taking his calls. Block and move on.

Gee what a shit show.

You owe him nothing.

Similar scenario for me - I saw my dad once in 40 odd years then he died so I do understand. I can't imagine what I would have done had he called me in your way your dad has as he neared the end of his life.

I don't think you'll regret visiting. But you owe him nothing and aren't in a position to assist him. I would set very clear boundaries with what you do and do not want to deal with.

And do it without guilt because you don't owe this man anything. Even if you'd had a loving relationship all of your life, you'd be under no obligation to care for him. Although I suspect if he's been any sort of father to you that you would wish to help him. Unfortunately he is now finding out you reap what you sow.

Tell him to repay every penny you have spent.
If he refuses, block his number.
Let him die.
He's a horrible man.

No wonder your husband is pissed off.
He's using you.

Ha. I just have plenty of experience with shit men who plead helplessness when it suits them. You honestly have no moral or legal obligation towards him whatsoever, even if he dropped down dead today, you do not have to be involved or arrange anything at all. There is nothing compelling you.

You’ve done more than most sensible people would do.

I’d have called police and ambulance and left it there.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He is the adult in your relationship and he failed you. You owe him nothing.

Take a step back on this one and reframe your thinking. You don't owe him anything more than you owe your friend from school that you haven't seen in thirty years. Would you be the same with them?

What sort of contact would you like OP? eg speaking to him once a day, once a week, exchanging christmas cards, no contact... I think work out what you want and then set boundaries. You don't owe him anything, however you said that you did a lot out of guilt which I can understand. Could you contact adult social care in his local area to get some support in place for him? If he was living in squalor, has care needs because of being in hospital and needs help getting food, then he needs support (or at least be offered support, he can say no if he's got capacity however unwise). But you do not have to be the person who provides it and he does not have the right to demand you are the person who provides the help. I think contacting adult social services might help lessen you feeling responsible or guilty.

I agree with Dotto. This man will suck you dry and spit out your husk before dying and leaving all the money to his mistress or the old wanker’s home.

Its not about the money but the existence of a lot of money makes the enormous sacrifice of time, money, effort that you are doing for him look and feel different. You feel like a patsy, not a generous soul.

Stop.

As others have said, you've no reason to feel obligated

IF you do want to continue to help, let him pay for stuff

I did my DF shopping online (when accompanying him to the supermarket with his disability scooter thing got too high risk for anyone in the store😂) by setting his debit card up on my Tesco & Amazon account, which covered most of his shopping needs,

Ha. My dad was also a terrible parent and I've been NC with him since I was 12. I wouldn't piss on the man if he was on fire and I wouldn't even want to speak to him so you're a better person than me! You've done more than enough.

OP, blood is not thicker than water. He wasn’t a father to you. He was awful to you, your mother and sibling. What is it exactly that he therefore deserves from you?. So what if he is 90, so what that he is sick? Where was he when you needed him? Where was he when your mum needed him, especially when she miscarried her baby, when she had to look after you as a single mother? I wouldn’t let him have his cake and eat it. Walk away from him, like he walked away from you, and put yourself and husband first.

You swung into action because you're a good person.

He is now asking for more than you are able to give. Even if he had been "dad of the year" then calls multiple times a day plus organising and paying for shopping would be a lot and not something you should feel obliged to do.

Decide if you want to be in contact or provide any support at all. Eg would you set up a weekly shop if he pays for it. Would you call him once a fortnight or month to talk to him. Would you be named for social/health care teams to feed back about care needs. Would you visit him in hospital if he is readmitted?

Talk with your DH about what feels OK - to do nothing and block him is fine, to do one, some or all of the above things is fine. Trying to do everything from afar with your own life and the backstory is not fine.

Sounds like you've done more for him recently than he's ever done for you.

If you don't want to do anymore - which is perfectly understandable and as others have said, you don't owe him anything - pass him over to local social services. Tell them you are not involved in his life and won't be able to assist.

Guilt is a terrible thing and you might need to have some therapy to work through it.

Thinking of you OP 💐

Tell him how much cash you have spent settling his bills and ask him to reimburse you OP.

@MilkAndFenty so sorry you also have a shit father. It’s rubbish when they pull on the heart strings then dump all over you.
To answer one poster my life is so much calmer when I have no contact with him as I have had none for many years but because he is now facing up to his mortality he realises he will be alone and I’m the only one who will speaks to him.
My DSis is able to just ignore his calls and I’m not at that point but I’ve ignored 3 of his calls in the last 24hrs so I’m trying to stay strong.

@Princessfluffy I’ve told him I can’t afford his shopping and he’s had a bit of a grumble about taxi prices and I’ve told him about the fine and the bills but he’s pleading poverty.

@Dotto is right.

Spending your time and money on counselling instead.

He’ll be dead soon, and hopefully you’ll inherit any money he has. Have a look around for a Will

My parents are dead, I could not stand them, wont go into details, I think you should pull back and take his calls every three days.
I don't think you should entirely leave him to it, for your sake not his, as you want a clear conscience when the inevitable happens.
Set him up a account for his shopping but ask for his bank details, he won't have to pay the cab fare then.