To feel sad all the school mums and dads are close

[IWabtToBeLeftAlone]

I’m feeling a little upset and am posting here for just some clarity or advice as I feel silly talking to people in real life about it!

yesterday was an event at my child’s school in the evening and I went along with my DH and younger child. I don’t know how to describe my feelings as I’ve never been good at that but I just felt I think inadequate and different I suppose - they all came in and greeted everyone and were hugging, they all seemed really close and for each one’s child performing got a loud clapping and “whooping” applause type. Whereas I tried to make eye contact with the mums I knew and was largely ignored! I did get a flat “hi” from a few as they walked away to hug and greet each other. When my child performed it felt like we were the only ones clapping as the others were all chatting amongst themselves.

I feel like it’s really hard to break into their “circle”

what am I doing wrong? How can I be part of their crowd? Even the younger siblings were all playing together in a corner. I tried to get my little one to join in but he didn’t want to.

I’ve really tried over these past 3 years to get in with them - inviting for play dates, volunteering at events, being friendly and always saying hello first and trying to make conversations which largely get ignored or just polite nods.

Why do you want to?

@Delorian because it would be nice to feel some familiarity when I attend these events and to feel part of something. I don’t have any family support or close family and seeing them they seem like a lovely village for their children and have each other for support.

It’s so tedious isn’t it - why does it have to be like this with school mums. It’s rude and unpleasant of them not to cheer all children the same. How does your child get on socially? If they are fine I would just carry on as you are being friendly and not worry about the rest of it.

YANBU - I think people find their circle (like when the kids are babies too). I’d keep inviting children round for play dates but who does your child actually want to be friends with? Focus on those children rather than being in with the big group of mums.
I think it is different now - I do lots of play dates with DS1’s best friend’s family and we’ve become friends and socialise now too. The rest of the parents I chat to and I’ve invited a few over but never had invites back. I think parents stick to whoever they first befriend, know them already or are so busy working they don’t want the social side of school coming home.

Ugh, I hate it when parents whoop and cheer for their own and their friends' kids but not the others, it's so juvenile and cliquey. There's a group of parents at our school that do this and it makes me want nothing to do with them.

Sorry, no advice, but you can't be the single only family excluded like this? It's more likely that there's a gang who like to make a lot of noise and perform friendship very visibly, but there will be other families not part of this. Try and seek them out if you're looking to make friends.

@Lostthetastefordahlias my daughter has lots of friends and is social so that’s a good point thank you. I just worry at some point she might be left out.

@BraOffPjsOn Only recently I stopped pksydstes as felt they were not going anywhere as in the mums were polite but next day at school ignored me again when I said hello! Even on a night out (I’ve been to one in 3 years) I got on do well with one if the mums we were laughing and chatting and next day in school she acted like she doesn’t know who I am! Since then I’ve started to detach myself from thinking they are my friends as they’re not

This

@Tophelleborine thsts good advice. I think I need to do more of that. I did try once with this quiet lady but she looked so uncomfortable thst I was talking to her so we silently sat together. The thing is I am quite chatty and friendly not in your face type but I do like to socialise but these other ladies have made it obvious I can’t be in their group.

My daughter is friends with the girls whose mums are in the big group which makes it worse I think. I could hear them saying they all going for pizza after the event - my daughter was not invited but regardless she seems to enjoy their company and they seem to like her

But play dates are for the children, not the parents!

@Businessflake i meant “not going anywhere” as in I’d invite them but no invite back. One playdate for example was lovely then I find out there was a group playdate but my child wasn’t invited.

I say this on all the threads but life is far too short to be worried about what school mums think about you. I run into school last minute in the mornings and they go to after school club after school so I gave no interaction at all really and I don't care.

I have plenty of friends and my kids have friends so I don't really care, just start to reframe it and realise you don't need them.

There will always be the 'clique' at school, there definitely is in my oldest year. I am friends/acquaintances with nearly all the clique members individually due to my oldest being good friends with theirs, but when they are together it's like no one else exists, I'm completely ignored.
But my youngest year group is much better, there us a small clique who all know each other since they were children, but also lots of lovely mums and dads. A year in with my youngest I have far more friends than 4 years in with my oldest.
Sometimes unfortunately it's just luck of the draw with the parents your child happens to be in a class with, nothing you have done wrong.
Try to keep communication with them open, for the sake of your child, but don't feel like you have to be friends with them. A parent in the oldest year decided to start openly moaning about the clique, then her child stopped being invited to many of the parties.
You might find your 'tribe' with your youngest like I did.

Just ignore them. I have children of various ages in the school system and over the years I learned its best to keep yourself to yourself and don't get involved with cliquey types - you're doing yourself a favour! Trust me. Don't get involved with the drama.

I genuinely don’t want to be friends with the sort of people that exclude kids if they’re not interested in/don’t like their parents

these people are dicks and I will actively avoid them

It's sad that you feel alone, but also that you are somehow begrudging those other families having friendships. People can't always invite 29 other families to every restaurant trip or other event, which doesn't mean they don't like you, just that they have people they already know better and like.

With the quiet one who didn't work out, that's OK, some people are harder to click with, particularly if you don't have similar interests. There will be other parents in the class to make friends with, look around again.

I feel for you OP. I could have written your post a year ago. I kept on making a huge effort with certain key people and I'm included now so you can do it if you really want to. But I've found that I still feel like a bit of a hanger- on, so it hasn't really solved those feelings. Also I've discovered that I really don't have much in common with a lot of them, so I care less about it all now (it's easier to figure out how I actually feel about people now I'm not so excluded and distracted by wanting to get 'in'). I've found one mum i really connect with outside that group. Keep being lovely and making a social effort and you'll find your people.

No real advice as I was in similar situation. That was primary school. Transition to secondary was interesting as “cliques” fell apart. Not having as many events/no pick ups / drop offs / small enough school to know who their child’s “competitors” were meant some of the “friendships” either disappeared or got significantly diluted. They are probably not your people, your people are probably the others who feel like you but not as visible.

Stop trying to be part of this crowd. Why on earth are you scrambling to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with you?

I was never close with any of the school parents. Never bothered me at all. Our lifestyles were just very different and we didn't have much in common (I was a teenager when I had DS so a bit of an anomaly) I got on well enough with a couple to have a chat with but never did anything socially with them.

It’s all so fake and cliquey- we have this group of parents in my youngest son’s year. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest and in fact I keep my distance on purpose.
These people are not your friends op and you would be wise as someone said upthread to seek out nicer people in the school community.

There might not be many but I am sure there will be some and they will be a lot kinder and nicer than these group of people you are describing.

I love the contrast of this post and your username 🤣

I usually can’t stand it when people make accusations of cliques as people are allowed to find friends. But only clapping for the group’s children is seriously shitty behaviour. I clap every child, every time - doesn’t everyone? I wouldn’t want to be friends with people like that TBH OP so maybe give up the ghost.

Sidestepping all the “are you sure you want to be friends with them” chat, I think the way to get in is to be really involved with the school. Volunteer as class rep or in the classroom (for reading or whatever). You’ll meet parents in small groups regularly that way and build up relationships. A group from our class are currently meeting regularly in the evenings to prep for the school fair, lots of chat and booze and sewing they’ll obviously be firm friends after that. Then there’s the clubs, I stand on the side of a football field every week with a bunch of the parents where we chat and over the course of a year or two those relationships become more meaningful. I think these are more effective ways to make friends than volunteering at events or meeting at play dates as those are one-offs and probably won’t get you past the “friendly nod” stage!

How big is the group OP? How many other parents are there?

If it's 29 families all excluding you then you have a point but if it's a smaller group then it is just a group of friends. Do you think they should be inviting 30 children and parents for pizza?

People don't have to make friends with everyone just because you have a child in their class.

The clique is usually the loudest and most visible. But they're in the minority. Far more parents are outside the clique than in. You alluded to it with the quiet person you sat with. Start noticing all the people not in the clique.

Ultimately though focus on your DC. You're only there for their wellbeing. So long as they have friendships and you are doing your best to support that you are doing very well. Who gives a crap if there's other events going on, you'd do well to instill confidence frankly since cliques happen everywhere.

Don't waste another second thinking about them!

I really don't know why people get their knickers in a twist so much about school holidays and friendships, who knows what connection these people have, nursery, clubs, friendships pre school??
Just take your child to school, smile, drop off, job done