To feel sad all the school mums and dads are close

[IWabtToBeLeftAlone]

I’m feeling a little upset and am posting here for just some clarity or advice as I feel silly talking to people in real life about it!

yesterday was an event at my child’s school in the evening and I went along with my DH and younger child. I don’t know how to describe my feelings as I’ve never been good at that but I just felt I think inadequate and different I suppose - they all came in and greeted everyone and were hugging, they all seemed really close and for each one’s child performing got a loud clapping and “whooping” applause type. Whereas I tried to make eye contact with the mums I knew and was largely ignored! I did get a flat “hi” from a few as they walked away to hug and greet each other. When my child performed it felt like we were the only ones clapping as the others were all chatting amongst themselves.

I feel like it’s really hard to break into their “circle”

what am I doing wrong? How can I be part of their crowd? Even the younger siblings were all playing together in a corner. I tried to get my little one to join in but he didn’t want to.

I’ve really tried over these past 3 years to get in with them - inviting for play dates, volunteering at events, being friendly and always saying hello first and trying to make conversations which largely get ignored or just polite nods.

They were rude. To not clap for another child. It feels unpleasant to be on the outside of a clique, but frankly that doesn’t sound like a friendship group that would be nice to be part of.

Thank you for the responses everyone.

What size school is it and are you local? I was not local and deemed very posh as a Southerner in an ex mining town. DH and I moved when first married and ended up living between the 2 cities we both worked in. I sometimes had to wear a suit and am also mixed race so stood out like a sore thumb. I’m good at spinning a yarn and confident so that was my way in. I made two very good friends, kid are 23 now. So it can be done but I think humans have a bit of a herd mentality and it maybe just how it’s been.

Where I grew up on the South coast incomers especially if from London were not liked, semi rural and everyone knew everyone. All very parochial.

It’s around 21 kids in the class. I do try to talk to the ones “out” of the gang like me but I’ve found they’re not interested. One actually said so in a round about way that this is her 3rd child and she’s not looking to make friends! She sits alone and never makes eye contact so I don’t bother really. The women I was talking about there’s around 11 of them, 6 boys and 5 girls from my daughters class. Just the girls were going for pizza yesterday - they were telling my daughter who was sitting next to them as they’re friends.

That sounds really harsh Op. I think you should have a discreet discussion with the head or deputy head about how they are behaving at school events. Only clapping for their own children and their mates' children and not others is not acceptable. Parents should be supporting all the dcs.

Not clapping for all the kids is horrible, what awful people!
I experienced this a bit when DD was friends with 3 other girls in her class who all lived close to each other, while we live further out. DD felt very excluded as she didn’t get to walk home with the girls and go back to someone’s house (the parents took it in turns to do pick up and have the girls for a couple of hours after school). They didn’t think to include her, and by extension me for after school things.

Are you different in any way to the other mums?

I am a scruff and tend to be older than the other nursery mums so I think people assume I'm either too poor to be of interest (it's a posh area) or a grandparent

I once went to some mothers meet up. They were mostly ex teachers and SAH mothers. When they talked about somebody being exhausted after going back to work part-time with a toddler, I was thinking about me going back to a full-time professional job six when the baby was 6 weeks old. I realised this wasnt my tribe. We had absolutely nothing in common. Do you have anything in common with these parents?