Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Exactly but then the part time neighbour messages last night asking her if she'll accept a shopping delivery and the op says to let her know the date and time. Some people can't say no sadly.

OP, you have to start being firm and saying no to things like accepting deliveries. They can shop for food before they leave and take it with them or when they get there. They really are taking the piss, you are not staff and if they cannot be bothered to keep track of what is going on in a village they own a property in, that is their look out. In your update, it sounds like they are asking you for an entertainment schedule so they can make up their minds where they spend their holidays! And they wonder why people can't be bothered with them.

I had a second home for a couple of years, in a rural area where DH grew up, not in demand by locals. Our neighbours had a key for emergencies. Other than that I rang them once, as I had left a loaf of bread and four pints of milk in the kitchen - which they collected and ate! We didn't rely on them. We joined things and went to things that we found out about. Your erstwhile neighbour sounds demanding and a PITA.

Second home owners can, and do, make relationships in a local community if they are willing to pitch in and help with things. The villages that I have lived in have been friendly enough for that to happen organically. It’s always nice to see nice people again even if not permanent residents.
What does feel wrong here though, is the additional agenda of favours being expected for services which they could pay for. I would be surprised if they are unaware of the cost savings involved, as property services can be expensive. This would be where boundaries are important. As far as I have read in your posts, they ask, rather than you offering. Not that I am suggesting that you should be offering anything unless you particularly wanted to. It ought not to be a case of getting to know the locals so that they can look after your property for you for free. That’s just using people and won’t endear them to anyone.

No, the woman sounds like she wants a member of staff. She is the entitled one, not the OP.

The shopping delivery thing is daft. The woman can bring stuff with her for the first night and morning and arrange a delivery the first day she's there. The OP needs to just say no. This isn't a frail neighbour incapable of doing her own shopping

"It just underlined that we will be here, at home, for the Christmas holiday, but they will be away from home on holiday for the Christmas holiday, whether here or in Goa or wherever they end up."

So what OP?

It does sound like you are providing a property management service for them. My partner’s dad has a little apartment in Spain - he was moving out there but situations changed so ended up staying at home - hems out there about 4months a year. He has a lovely neighbour who manages his place - she gives us keys if we are visiting and haven’t gotten them off him, organises repair people, checks the property and so on. The key difference is he pays her - they are friends but she is also providing a service which she should be compensated for. She does a similar thing for different holiday home owners - it doesn’t extend to grocery deliveries! Maybe say to the woman that you are offering a property management service for holiday home owners in the area that would involve … list the stuff you are doing already (organising repairs, service people, taking deliveries etc). Then tell her your rate!

Exactly. Even after 32 pages of telling us how shit and entitled these people are, she still isn’t saying “No”!

What the latest moan essentially amounts to is “She asked could I take in a delivery, I asked what date and time, and now she actually expects me to do it!!!”

To quote the cast of Grange Hill - Just Say No!

OP. Why the hell don't you just block this woman, be off when you see her and generally give her and hers the cold shoulder.

You don't like her, what she stands for or anything about her. Why are you entertaining lengthy phone conversations with a woman you find demanding and not particularly pleasant?

You don't owe her anything, she's nothing to you.
Just tell her you're busy, block her number and you can happily (?) go about your business safe in the knowledge that she can live her own life and you yours.

It’s increasingly obvious that the title of this thread is bull and it isn’t the issue. The issue is that YOU have a problem with HER, not her desire to be part of the community. If you’d been upfront with that being the heart of the issue the responses might have been more what you wanted

It's sounds like they are making a real effort to fit in and you lot are being a bunch of miserable people doing your best to make them unwelcome. They have as much right to be there as you have. Would you think better of them if they totally ignored you. No I didn't think so.

Have you actually read OPs posts?

They are treating her like a unpaid staff or a property management company.

If it makes you feel any better I bet they are similarly demanding with their London neighbours as well. At least you only have to deal with it part time! I'd just be slower at responding to messages.

Sorry, I must have missed the bit where she said she was getting them to go in and clean, do airport pick ups and childminding service as well as property maintenance and dealing with clients coming on holiday.

They have the right to live there but not to ask people to turn on their heating or accept grocery deliveries or tell them " what's going on". I've never done that on holiday and with neighbours parcel taking in is reciprocal and we never plan for a parcel to be delivered when we know we won't be there. If we go on holiday in winter the house is cold when we return so we wear coats for an hour or so until it's warmed up a bit. This woman doesn't sound very independent

Of course they have the right to live here, I'm not disputing that.

I was brought up to be a good neighbour and I'm a pretty easygoing, reasonably sociable person so I'm happy to help anyone out occasionally. But as they're not living here full-time then I don't get the chance to ask them to feed the cat or whatever.

I was already planning not to be available when the Christmas shopping was delivered.

Most voluntary organisations require a commitment from their volunteers in order to keep things going. You can’t just drop in ad hoc for a few weeks a year as the organisers can’t plan. I’ve run several things and volunteer myself and you really can’t drop in on some random 10 weeks a year.

@toomuchfaff

You're not an NPC in their Holiday game, the helpful yocal with all the answers and a polite disposition. 😉

This is what a good many ppl do not understand, this is EXACTLY how the resident population is often treated by second home owners (who I've had expect favours from my business as they sometimes let their places out & ooo maybe some trade for you) & holiday-makers in tourist destinations.

As mentioned previously, during summer our local fb groups become tourist information. So amongst the 'we've just been given notice on our rental home & desperately need somewhere to live' (of which there are a lot!) & 'I've just found another cat run over' posts you've got 'which pubs sell X beer?' 'where are the best crab sandwiches?' 'I dropped my glasses on a walk, please post them to me' 'what can I do with my kids today?'.

So yes, NPCs in their holiday game is the perfect analogy lol

I'm not sure that's quite true. I also organise community events and volunteer myself and there's quite a range of volunteering opportunities. Yes, at the kids' sports club I help run we do need people who are available most weeks year round. It wouldn't be worth the cost and effort of putting someone through all the training and checks if they were only going to show up for a few weeks a year. Nor would most organisations want someone on the committee who wasn't around all year.
But many events also need people just for a day or two. I've signed up for a couple of ad hoc volunteering things in the last few weeks in fact, at a local music festival and the village Christmas party for elderly residents. I don't have time to make a big commitment to either so I wouldn't volunteer to be on the organising committees or anything like that but I'll happily show up on the day and sell programmes/make the tea/wash up or whatever. At the last big event I organised we had loads "one off" volunteers to supplement the regular members of our group, as we needed a lot of marshals.
If the OP's neighbours wanted to make themselves useful I'm sure they could. I would be really surprised if there wasn't some kind of job they could do at the village fete or similar events if they knew they were going to be around. And last minute volunteering opportunities do exist. For example our nearest Parkrun not infrequently puts out messages on social media asking for extra marshals at short notice and there are periodic beach clean ups that you just turn up for and don't need any prior arrangement. I doubt that kind of thing is unique to our area.

I'm not sure the neighbours have expressed a wish to do this sort of stuff, I think some posters are suggesting it as a punishment for having a second house and wanting a holiday experience with activity programme when they arrive.

Really?? What a strange assumption! A second home in our case was to be able to live part time in somewhere we couldn’t live in full time. We certainly didn’t want to avoid people and always smiled and greeted people we met while out in the village. We just weren’t pushy, but followed their lead with how much to chat etc. It worked for us, and we made some friends there. 25 years later, I am still in touch with those friends via Christmas cards.

Funnily enough, we're just back from a couple weeks in our second home. While there we were invited to 2 drinks parties and a dinner and reciprocated by having a drinks party before we left. We also helped pack up boxes at the local food bank, transported cartons of books to the library second-hand store for their annual sale, supported local craftspeople and shops by shopping at the farmers' market and buying quite a few of our Christmas gifts while there. We had a lovely time and didn't ask anyone to receive our grocery delivery or turn on our heat.

Just say no, OP. It's easy to say something like, my schedule is busy and uncertain and I'm sorry, but I'm not able to (insert request here) for other people at the moment, but I'm certain there are people you can hire to do that. And then move on and live your life.

Your updates are sounding like you're enjoying a very passive/aggressive game just a little too much to put an end to it.