Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

🤣
but “ are you local?”

Ohh that sounds good..I think my brother watches 'League of gentlemen' so it ought to be to my taste {we tend to like the same kind of things} Thanks! 👍

Reminds me of the pub ''The Slaughtered Lamb''

I am but I also know that there is a Swansea. I've seen it on the map!

Yes, I'm a fan too, @oakleaffy ! Royston Vasey does not welcome incomers 😂
A few posts on here have certainly reminded me of Tubbs and Edward, who have a Local Shop for Local People and do not tolerate non locals coming in and attempting to buy things......

I'm with you @IMustConfess they sound really annoying. And rude.

In some other countries … neighbors are friendly & welcoming regardless of weekend/holidays/permanent status. What you are experiencing is a British dislike of the unfamiliar …. Keep on being you.

if they didn't want to join in they would be called more names. agree that they sound a bit over the top but yabu

But not everyone has ‘the right’ to live in the area they’ve grown up in. I live in the North, and was born and raised in a village which is really lovely. When I left home, I couldn’t afford to live there. The prices were out of my affordability. I didn't expect sellers though to lower their prices so i could buy there. I just had to move out of the area and buy in a cheaper, but still nice, place. No-one owes anyone anything. I’m sure the people selling in these country places (who were probably long time residents) lost their principles when it came down to money, and had no qualms about selling to second homers.

I can't see what they're doing wrong! They're just trying to make friends. Maybe they are thinking of retiring there and want a good friendship group before they do.

Yanbu we live in an area where second homes and holiday homes are really affecting the housing prices and locals can't buy houses. We have a second home couple on our what's app lane group and they are clueless to remote island living to the point its embarrassing! But when they visit they expect us all to drop everything and take them out for dinner and entertain them like they are prodigal sons. I don't entertain them anymore

I'm a Londoner. We live with the reputation of being cold and unfriendly.
I read this and am reminded of how welcoming and open-minded we are.
YABVU.

So they invited a few locals to dinner, some of whom didn’t reciprocate. How rude.

I'm thinking that at 50 their plans are possibly that they'll retire there long term so they're trying hard to be part of the community, to get involved and to make friends. You say friendships should be built slowly but equally they've only got 10wks in a year to try and do that so I think it's understandable that they're trying to make the most of it. Making friends as adults isn't the easiest and it does involve putting yourself right out there. If you don't want to include them then don't, but I don't think it's unreasonable for them to try and build relationships.

I dunno about that. Surely they're trying much too hard? You don't endear yourself to people who are only acquaintances by foisting complete strangers on them.

People hate second home owners where I grew up. It’s purely because over time and especially since covid Londoners have bought so many properties that anyone local can’t buy. My niece is a nurse and her DH works training staff in one of the very few jobs that is not seasonal, they have no chance. But bugger them if whoever can have their cottage with roses round the door.

It sounds a bit like life on the estate I live in, in London, to be honest. My next door neighbour and opposite neighbour tell me when they're going away or coming back, leave gifts on doorsteps. Lots of neighbours hold events and parties.

Then there are the air bnb flats and the second home flats and the student rentals and they want to know where to take the rubbish out, how Oyster cards work, etc.. They don't ask to come for tea or join Jubilee or football celebrations, though, thankfully. That would be too much.

Hahaha!

Whether it's a "right" is a philosophical question, but nevertheless there are very good reasons for maintaining communities and social ties, including social cohesion, links to and understanding of the land (where applicable), family support, not to mention the distress of having to leave a childhood home. The last factor alone is a good enough reason to be concerned about the widespread upheaval caused by second homes and holiday rentals.

It sounds like a really good Posy Simmonds plot, OP.

YANBU - they are treating 'the community' like a fucking petting zoo, as though you're all there just for their amusement.

Ppl do this here with the local fb pages 'hi, where can we go today?' 'what is there to do for the week we are visiting in three months' like the locals are just receptionists at bloody Centre Parcs lol

Hahahaha I’m a Londoner and I only do that stuff on Fridays, after 5pm, and I pour coffee from the top of the escalator also.

Its outrageous.We are the friendliest city in the world, I Challenge you to defy me, and I suggest you don’t, because keying cars is in my remit also.

I mean, how could I not, we have a reputation to uphold

If you take the trouble to read the thread, you’ll find that plenty of people on here have experience of friendly neighbours, yes even in the UK. Who are you suggesting to keep on being themselves? How would they be anyone else?

I suggest that you enthusiastically embrace them, and then be so bloody weird that they never hang out with you again. Here are some stereotypical suggestions

All have a piece of hay in your mouth and chew on it, sideways

Talk constantly about how the local farmers cow is due to give birth any day now, just do that for years

Make up some “countryside rituals” that they have to partake in, like muddy puddle swimming, lawnmower racing, hunting the black panther that’s been seen around these parts for years, and cowpat fights.

Insist that at barbecues it’s only acceptable for them to bring food they’ve personally hunted or harvested

say ooh arrr after every 3 or 4 words

gift them strange items and act offended if they don’t or proudly display them- I’m thinking a scarecrow with a carrot as a very visible private part, insist their front garden is where he belongs. Tell them you’ve made homemade horse spunk muffins and that they make you strong, and insist they eat them while you are there. Gift them so many “charms for good luck” that they need to wear or display, that they end up, and their house, looking like witches.

Refer to the countryside “dogging club” in hushed tones and make plans to meet in earshot of them

Tell them to be initiated into the community, the community picks new country names for them, call them bilbo and shitface.

Tell them there is an annual nude lawn party, and when they turn up naked, act shocked and tell them it’s the lawn that’s getting naked as it’s a ritual mowing.

If I think of any more, I’ll let you know

I think it’s a reasonable objection of the OP that, without asking the OP, they’ve told their various relations to go round to her if they have a problem because she’ll sort it out for them.