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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out...

42 replies

Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 07:54

Had a meeting yesterday with a group I'm involved with. It's a professional group, but we all know each other via the group and socialise after meetings etc.

Went out early afternoon/evening and everyone went back to their hotels or home about 7.30, which I was a bit surprised by as I'd booked a hotel expecting to be out until the late evening, and could have gone home and not paid over £100 for the hotel...

Woken up this morning to photos of the two people I was with last (who made out they were also going back to their hotels!) having put photos on the WhatsApp group of them drinking together later last night......so they obviously met back up without me while I was sat on my own in a hotel room??!!

No affair or anything like that.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt? I thought they were my friends. I feel like they've decided for what ever reason to say they're going back to their hotels to ditch me and drink together without me!

For full disclosure - I'm not a big drinker, but happy to sit and chat and have a laugh while other people drink. I pay my own way so don't expect others to buy me drinks because I don't drink as much as others. I don't go out much especially not in big cities, but again, happy to do so if I get the opportunity. I don't judge others for the amount they drink.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 22/11/2024 08:48

I think in those situations everyone should be included in any socialising that goes on after business hours. You’re all staying away from home so to leave someone out is shitty. Even if someone is a pain in the bum, it’s a rare occasion so people should suffer them for that short time.

Maybe the two who met up without inviting you have a good friendship you are unaware of and they took the opportunity to have a non work meet up, especially if they don’t live close enough together to meet frequently. That would be a reason to leave you out, not a particularly good one but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Posting the pictures on the group chat was beyond shitty. Why did anyone need to see that? I know you’re feeling left out right now but spin it - do you really want to spend an evening with arseholes like them?

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/11/2024 09:53

Were they staying in the same hotel and you in a different one? Possibly impromptu drinks in the hotel bar when they got back.

Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 10:13

All in different hotels.
One of them messaged me this morning and asked me to meet them for breakfast. It was brought up over breakfast (by them) and I did point out it was a bit off!

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 22/11/2024 10:16

Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 10:13

All in different hotels.
One of them messaged me this morning and asked me to meet them for breakfast. It was brought up over breakfast (by them) and I did point out it was a bit off!

How did they respond? It's very off! Covid they be seeing each other?

Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 10:22

Absolutely not seeing each other. I know that for a fact.

They said they didn't really think and then when they did, thought I'd already be in bed.

I did point out it was a bit shit. They agreed!

OP posts:
ascothelp · 22/11/2024 10:26

Are you sure they're not seeing each other? In my youth and colleague and I were having a secret tryst and would often do stuff like this (call it a night with the group so we could get together secretly after). Wouldn't have been so stupid as to post pics on the group chat, admittedly!

Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 10:30

Absolutely definitely not having an affair. 100% sure of that, they are good friends and have known each other longer than they've known me.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 22/11/2024 10:35

TBH the last bit about their friendship predating yours changes it for me. They are able to meet up and catch up in their own way as well as part of the group. Bit insensitive to posts photos though. I am the 3rd person joining a longer friendship. I respect that they might have catching up to do separately from me.

xILikeJamx · 22/11/2024 10:38

Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 10:22

Absolutely not seeing each other. I know that for a fact.

They said they didn't really think and then when they did, thought I'd already be in bed.

I did point out it was a bit shit. They agreed!

So what more do you want than this?

Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 10:45

I posted the first post before I'd met up with them....?

OP posts:
TheErinyes · 22/11/2024 10:49

But if you’d actually booked a hotel room in the specific expectation that you’d all be out late as a group, why didn’t you say this, and ask whether anyone else fancied going on somewhere else? Clearly at least two other people would have been happy to.

NeedToChangeName · 22/11/2024 10:53

I feel like they've decided for what ever reason to say they're going back to their hotels to ditch me and drink together without me!

Well, it could be that

Or, could be they intended to leave and then spur of the moment one said "I'd stay for another drink if you fancy it" and that's what happened

TheErinyes · 22/11/2024 10:58

NeedToChangeName · 22/11/2024 10:53

I feel like they've decided for what ever reason to say they're going back to their hotels to ditch me and drink together without me!

Well, it could be that

Or, could be they intended to leave and then spur of the moment one said "I'd stay for another drink if you fancy it" and that's what happened

Yes, and if the OP had actually said ‘Hey, I booked a hotel because I thought we’d be staying out late — anyone fancy another drink?’ they’d almost certainly have gone on with her. Because she didn’t, they didn’t think she’d be up for it.

Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 11:04

No, we all walked back to our respective hotels together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 11:10

And ALL expressed the feeling that we were leaving earlier than expected.

OP posts:
Wonderi · 22/11/2024 11:59

I would be very annoyed at this.

And unless they met up after midnight then I wouldn’t believe their excuse that they thought you would be asleep.

You would message and just check.
They we’re both awake so why wouldn’t you be.

ascothelp · 22/11/2024 12:51

If it was a group bigger than the three of you and they've been friends forever, then I can see a world in which they'd message one another and decide to go back out. If they are good friends they might have been messaging one another when they got back to their rooms and then got a second wind.

I think posting pics was a bit rude but other than that I don't actually think they've done anything wrong.

PrivacyPussyPasta · 22/11/2024 13:50

If the group was 10 people and 2 of them decided to go on drinking then I don't see the problem, it sounds like they're good friends outside of the group.

You confronting the issue like this would put me off wanting to socialise with you in future.

ginasevern · 22/11/2024 14:11

It was a bit shit but if they're long standing friends and fancied a proper piss up then maybe that's the reason. It's not that they don't like you but when someone doesn't drink it really alters the dynamic of the evening. I know I'll get flamed for this because alcohol is taboo on Mumsnet.

Original poster
Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 14:32

I didn't confront her she actually brought it up this morning. I simply said, after she'd brought it up that I was a bit 😳 about it and it was her that said it was shitty, not me.

I'd actually gone to breakfast and wasn't going to say anything because I didn't know if I was BU to feel a bit miffed about it.

OP posts:
TheErinyes · 22/11/2024 16:39

Blueuggboots · 22/11/2024 11:10

And ALL expressed the feeling that we were leaving earlier than expected.

But you were perfectly at liberty to express disappointment about this!

walltowallkents · 26/11/2024 08:43

Maybe they’re just better friends with each other than with you? Or had things to discuss they didn’t want to share with you? I think being excluded by a group only applies if it’s more than two people doing their own thing.

It also sounds like it was careless rather than malicious, as if it was a planned attempt to ditch you they wouldn’t have been sharing photos in the WhatsApp group.

walltowallkents · 26/11/2024 08:45

ginasevern · 22/11/2024 14:11

It was a bit shit but if they're long standing friends and fancied a proper piss up then maybe that's the reason. It's not that they don't like you but when someone doesn't drink it really alters the dynamic of the evening. I know I'll get flamed for this because alcohol is taboo on Mumsnet.

I also agree with this! If you want a few drinks and to loosen up a bit you don’t really need someone tagging along who is going to remember all the silly things you said! You just can’t relax in the same way.

Candystore22 · 26/11/2024 08:46

Did YOU also say you had booked a hotel because you thought it would be later? Or just others? And when was this all said? At breakfast or last night as everyone was leaving? If last night, I don’t get why people left. It sounds a bit weird to be going “gosh I thought we would be staying out later than 7.30 but I’m going back to my hotel now anyways even though I think this is super weird!”

Pinkmoonshine · 26/11/2024 08:52

The problem is the posting of pictures. I think you just have to try hard throughout life not to feel left out. It happens.

I’ve been in groups where I’ve liked some people a lot more than others and wished I could just meet with the ones I liked. I don’t think that’s a sin, but it’s unkind of post about it online. Or advertise the fact.