Accepting your kids abilities

[Axalotl]

Controversial thread title. Sorry. But in essence this is where my thoughts are heading.

I have one verbal autistic child who gets higher level care need allowance with DLA. He's a wonderful and kind soul. One child a year younger who is also kind and thoughtful and, again, just amazing. But this thread isn't about how amazing my kids are.

Eldest child is on route to special school. He really really needs it. Youngest child really does struggle in school - mostly with reading and writing.

I guess I just never thought this would be the life for my kids. You know you always assume things will be good for them? Easier. I don't know.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm sad about how things are for my kids. My brother's kids, outwardly, have things a lot easier - achieve well, no additional needs, etc. Their lives are fuller because they can do more and go more places. Whereas I spend most of my evenings comforting a distressed child and not helping the other with homework that he really needs to be doing.

Just feeling a little wistful this morning. Not sure if it's a gentle reality check I need.

We all want good things for our kids and the adjustments when you realise it's not going to be simple is different degrees of hard depending on what you're faced with. YANBU.

I get you OP. Both of mine are ND but in mainstream. It just feels like everything is harder. I teach and I see kids the same age growing into these motivated, switched on, independent young adults with a plan for life and mine are still so needy and unwilling to grasp the nettle. I often wonder what it would be like to parent kids who look outwards and think about what they can do in the world instead of what the works ought to do for them.

It is often harder for ND children, and IMO harder to parent too. It’s hard. Try not to compare although I know that’s also hard not to do

YANBU. It isn't easy at all.

I'm so pleased to hear the first few posters don't think I'm awful. I guess my nutshell is "I'm sad they arent more able" but it's more complex than that

I get you op. Just can't help but wonder with your comment on youngest if he could br dyslexic?

Dd2 and dd3 are both dyslexic and I regret not seeking diagnosis earlier.

They both found their grove at uni where dyslexia is supported so much better (was where dd2 got her official diagnosis I wish we had paid privately years before)

However it's hard when you watch your children struggle.

He's for sure dyslexic (his dad is dyslexic) And has some minor speech issues.

Totally understand. My teen daughter was diagnosed with autism a year ago. Her life has become so small. She doesn't leave her room much, only manages school one day a week at most.
Single parent so have no social life or friends. It's hard seeing everyone else's kids doing so much on social media so I try to avoid it.
I try to focus on all the amazing things about her that no one else sees but I just wish life was easier for her.
Sending hugs you're not alone x

You know you always assume things will be good for them?

And they still can be. Childhood is a very small part of life. Also, when you think you brother's kids are happier and their lives is fuller, you should also think that their happiness is perceived by you as greater only because of what you think happiness and easy life means. Happiness probably looks different for your kids.
As an autistic person, I had hard time in mainstream school. The educational system was a bad fit for me despite me being generally quite academic. So I don't cherish the memory of school. Having said that, I have an amazing life now. I rediscovered my passion for learning as an adult and went on to complete two degrees and now work on a clinical research project. I am still iffy with my personal communications and I perform best when I sit alone surrounded by books and research papers. While my contemporaries were busy getting married and making babies, I travelled the world. While my parents were worried about me "not being able to hold down a job", I was working in 5 different industries as a young adult and now have an amazing skillset which serves me well in life. I am on my 6th career at the moment and, due to previous diverse experiences, I've progressed to the top of the pay scale in 18 months as opposed to 5+ years. I was bullied by classmates and teachers because I couldn't perform in PE due to dyspraxia. I am now very physical, teach yoga to disabled children in my spare time and prepare for my first powerlifting competition. Those sports were not available to me at school.
Your kids will also have strengths which are perceived by others as weaknesses. And they won't learn to lean into their strengths while they are locked in a cookie-cutter educational system. But they will later, either through sheer determination or with your support. So don't despair. Help them to lean into what matters to them as this is their happy place.

Parenting children with additional needs is HARD and it's ok to feel grief about the life you thought you'd have.

One thing I would say is that if your children are ND, probably you or their dad is ND (I know you said he's dyslexic but it's quite possible there's more than that) - and as far as I read it, you are both doing well as adults. So what I am saying is that your kids may surprise you when they become adults, find their niche, find their tribe and soar.

Luckily for them they have a loving and sensitive mum like you.

Could you afford a tutor for the younger one so he can get some help to support his school work?

I think school creates failure in children and puts them under so much stress that it triggers mental health and behavioral issues. It’s a miserable unsupportive environment with lessons that are boring and unimaginative (based on my daughter’s lessons which are mainly power points). How can a kid focus on algebra when they have to stay on high alert around the classroom bully? I had high hopes for my daughter academically but now we are moving her to vocational training as mainstream school has turned her into a fearful, burnt out teen.
30 years ago kids would be leaving school at 15 and going into apprenticeships, they would be out interacting with the world and learning an occupation. Now they are stuck in a dog eat dog classroom with other anxious kids all frightened of failure.
So to sum up, if it wasn’t for our rigid, draconian, failing school system your kids would probably be happy and thriving.

Please let yourself feel this grief. It is normal and totally healthy. Your life will not be how you expected and neither will yours kids and mourning the loss will help you to reframe things and move on.

I had a good cry about it recently OP. My DD15 is AuDHD. Lovely girl but obviously the format of education isn't set up for success for her. It's a long story but shortened her school are saying she will only get 5s so they won't accept her for Sixth form.

Positioning failure in a positive way is hard.

As parents we remain resilient, we work the problems but yes I have cried about it

If your younger child is y3 or over and you can afford dyslexia assessment, it's well worth it.

Both of mine are dyslexic. DS1 with added autism and dyspraxia. Both are strong at technical subjects like maths, and middling in English/ language subjects. DS2 is much happier for understanding why he struggles and that it's a brain wiring issue (that can come with some perks of alternative thinking abilities) rather than being "stupid" which sadly is how he felt about himself before diagnosis. Around the time we were struggling with school, Jay Blades did the documentary about learning to read at 50, and it was empowering for DS seeing that sucessful adults can struggle too (I know he's been recently discredited for his personal behaviour, but it was a valuable documentary for readers who struggle)
DS2 is happier at secondary than primary. The curriculum is more rich and varied and less hung up on obscure grammar.

It's the effort of reading that I would change with a magic wand. I would also calm DS1's sensory issues. These are the aspects of them that affect their enjoyment and cost effort the most without fundamentally changing them as people. We want our children to thrive and it's hard when there's something beyond our means to facilitate for them.

We all have a strong smattering of autism (and ADHD) in the family. Me and eldest are diagnosed autistic....DH is "more autistic" than me in some ways 😂

You are all speaking so much sense and logic. Thank you all so much. This is exactly what I needed.

We don't have any additional money at the moment - but maybe in a couple of years. Youngest is in year two so not quite at dyslexia testing age.

You know you imagine bright, articulate kids who you can enjoy movies, books and Lego with? Those who will paint with you, etc? My life is not like that at all. We are a wood walking, muddy, stick collecting, gem collecting bunch who regurgitate facts about spiders or birds, who can't focus on movies, get frustrated at how fiddly Lego is and end up smearing paint everywhere despite our best efforts. Thanks to all of your messages I'm actually realising this and saying it with pride.

I feel you. I was always in top sets at school, pretty popular, life has had ups and downs but mostly ups.

Whereas my autistic child can't even hold a pen, has no friends, struggles to regulate emotions. We've accepted that he'll be bottom of the class and you know what, that's OK. We're going to try to instil in him that as long as he tries his best then that's the main thing. And if he's happy, we're happy. We're measuring progress by happiness rather than academic ability.

I think our society often praises parents for what their kids achieve. Oh well don't he's doing x, how did you do it, etc... It's harder when a child doesn't do x and that's nothing to do with your efforts.

i have two children who are very different. One who struggled in primary until they suddenly flourished academically and is now considered very able in secondary and one who is bright and sporty. I feel I have straddled both worlds in that I accepted my eldest would always be bottom of the class, until he wasn’t and we were all surprised.

Things that helped was acceptance and moving away from other parents who were constantly showboating about their children’s achievements. I can remember Covid being a particularly difficult time as I suddenly had an idea of where his peers were and realised just how behind he was.

I adopted a ‘meet your kids where they are’ approach and stopped panicking. I did put in an awful lot of work to help catch them up academically but concede I could only do that as I had the time to do that.

The thing to focus on think is that society is so much more accepting of neurodiversity now. We have a better understanding of it and legally workplaces have to make adaptions to accommodate disabilities. When I was young it felt so different. You just had to suck it up and get on with it and if you didn’t fit in you were cast aside.

It’s tragic. Little DS has no friends and that utterly breaks my heart. I would never, ever say this in real life, but why can’t he be the cool dude he is at home with just a couple of other people in school? I have to work so hard to put myself in his shoes and try to imagine why he feels he can’t connect with his peers.

Our lives are so small now that everyone is autistic but me. I realise they all need time to recharge, but I don’t. I just imagined that we would ‘do’ more as a family and make the most of this big wide world we live in.

It’s so difficult when your personal traits and even values are the opposite to how your kids have turned out. You feel like you’re there together but not ‘getting’ each others’ experiences. So much additional work and thinking to build compassion and empathy, where I see other parents sharing in activities together so straightforwardly without really ‘trying’.

@Catza that was a really beautiful post.

Aww op, I completely understand

When I got pregnant, in horrible circumstances, I had all this stress in my head and ideas for how I'd be:

Getting her into private/grammar school
Moving to the best area
Tutors, etc

All geared towards her academic success.

Now she's 5, pre verbal with autism. Our life is celebrating when she uses the potty and micromanaging dinner time to make sure she eats 😄😄. My current worry is that she hasn't pooped in a week.

I grieved when she was 3 and got her diagnosis. Grieved for the life I thought she'd have.

But then I thought, hang on, she's still alive, she can walk and has her own little personality - currently intense feelings about sweeties and peppa pig 🤭.

She's okay! Who knows, maybe I would've had my way and focused heavily on academia And it wouldn't have worked out! Maybe I would've unknowingly pressured her! Maybe I wouldn't have coped with the stress due to my own poor mental health!

I feel like I've been given the child I needed. She was given to me to teach me to relax and understand that, just because her life doesn't look a certain way at the right times, doesn't mean it's not all going to be okay.

Anyway, sorry for the long post! In short, you've been given the kids you have for a reason! You never know, you could be raising the next world class gamer, or the next marie kondo (because our sen kids love lining stuff up)

One thing that has been amazing is spending less time around neurotypical children and more time around SEN kids. You don't need a constant physical reminder of what you're missing x

My DD has AuDHD.

She dropped out of school due to anxiety (and other physical illness).

Mainstream school really isn't a good environment for most people with ND.
Some of them can mange to fit in.

She is now, in her own time, doing physics at Newcastle.

She needed a couple of years to work out how she learnt and who she could be.

I understand my oldest son has always struggled academically and has always been in mainstream it's not veen easy for him he's a college now ,I'm hoping he will eventually get an apprenticeship, he was also diagnosed with Diabetes two yeas ago and is insulin dependent, so it's been a struggle for him
That said he ,s a lovely caring young man and I'm very proud of him
My youngest son is severely autistic, non verbal, will never be independent etc but I have accepted the situation it is what it is and i love both my boys for who they are.

5,s are not failure, s just because she won't get into the school sixth form ,doesn't mean she's failed grade fives will be enough for most level three courses.