Accepting your kids abilities

[Axalotl]

Controversial thread title. Sorry. But in essence this is where my thoughts are heading.

I have one verbal autistic child who gets higher level care need allowance with DLA. He's a wonderful and kind soul. One child a year younger who is also kind and thoughtful and, again, just amazing. But this thread isn't about how amazing my kids are.

Eldest child is on route to special school. He really really needs it. Youngest child really does struggle in school - mostly with reading and writing.

I guess I just never thought this would be the life for my kids. You know you always assume things will be good for them? Easier. I don't know.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm sad about how things are for my kids. My brother's kids, outwardly, have things a lot easier - achieve well, no additional needs, etc. Their lives are fuller because they can do more and go more places. Whereas I spend most of my evenings comforting a distressed child and not helping the other with homework that he really needs to be doing.

Just feeling a little wistful this morning. Not sure if it's a gentle reality check I need.

It's ok to grieve what you thought they would have, but you do need to learn to let go of it and remember that these are things which a neurotypical society covets and puts importance on, and it doesn't need to be that way anymore.
I am ND myself, I have one non verbal autistic boy with severe learning disabilities, and another on the pathway. They are 10. In fact I don't think we have a NT brain in my family at all. DS1 is in a specialist school. He doesn't follow the curriculum, it's possible be will never be able to speak, read, or write. But he is happy for the most part.
DS2 is intelligent, but does struggle with certain things. He doesn't like reading, which i used to love, so that was a little disappointing. He's never been interested in arts, crafts, baking etc.
Both like being outdoors. DS2 loves sports.

My friend group consists of other ND parents with ND kids the same age. It's not for the faint hearted! But we've accepted this is just how it is, and we're all far happier with outdoors, stick throwing, ball kicking, muddiness.

@x2boys yes I know, the point is she will be kicked out of her school, so I have to manage her sense of failure.

I'll be super proud of her.

@Axalotl reading all of these posts has helped me too so thank you for posting!! Xx

We are a wood walking, muddy, stick collecting, gem collecting bunch who regurgitate facts about spiders or birds

I love this OP, this is awesome.

OP I smiled at your description of your family as stick collecting and fact regurgitating 😄 we're a lot like this too! DD was assessed for ASD recently (no suprise to anyone when the letter came back confirming this) and one of the many questions was around hobbies and interests. Asking if there was anything unusual - which made me realise as a family we might not be 'usual' 😂😂
Our house is stuffed to the gills with hobbies and interests! Bits of pottery, pebbles, random crafts, piles of bits of paper and drawings. DD only ever gives 110% to any interest.
She's had her struggles but is turning into a fascinating and complex young woman. I think mainstream school can be a tough ride for ND kids and as a parent you have to cut off from comparison - thief of joy and all that.

Thank you for this thread, OP.

I know this isn’t the same as being ND but DD2 has been diagnosed with depression and has to see a psychiatrist and take medication. She goes to school but doesn’t do anything else like other 17 year olds - won’t see friends, won’t watch movies or do sports or anything. Left to her own devices she would literally sit in her room and look at the wall.

I don’t know what her life is going to be like and it is terrifying to think about. She was doing super, amazingly well at school before this, but I try not to think about what could have been. I try to take each day as it comes and not worry too much but this is hands down the hardest part of parenting so far.

So much of society's perception of success is having "succesful" children so you can bask in their reflected glory. So many people are pushing their children into this with pressure to do well at school and on hobbies, get stellar exam results etc.

I for one am glad (after many years of grief and adjustment) that we don't have "trophy children". I have wonderful, flawed, beautiful children who are ND; one in specialist and one in mainstream. Being their parent has (and still is) taught me so much.

One big change has been that friendships with other SEN/ND families are much easier than with NT families for us all these days.

I hear you. I worry whether my ASD DD will ever find her way in life. Will she ever pass any exams? Go to college? get a job? It's heartbreaking watching her struggle and get so little joy from life.

It's not helping that her similar aged cousin is meeting every milestone, rite of passage, etc. full on. Excelling in everything. I begrudge him nothing. He's a fabulous teenager but oof, it's hard to watch.

Selfishly I feel cheated too. I'm worn out with no end in sight. Can't relate to the experiences that parents of NT kids are going through. Feel sad a lot of the time.

I hear you.

i have 2 boys, 18 and 16 now. My eldest is NT and has sailed through school with top grades and had his pick of good universities. We never had a moments bother with him at school primary or secondary. My youngest has ASD and his education in primary and early secondary was a shit show. He was in that position of being too able for special school but struggling with mainstream. I remember one time in primary school had an open afternoon for parents. Went to my eldest’s class and he was clearly in his element and so relaxed. Went to my youngest’s and he couldn’t cope at all with the noise and was sitting rocking at his chair with his hands over his ears and clearly distressed. It was horrible. It’s always made me think it’s so unfair how much he struggles compared to his brother through no fault of his own and is forced to try and fit into a system that isnt built for him and then blamed if he acts up. And then Covid made it even worse as he had no high school transition.

Fast forward to now and he passed 6 national 5 exams some with good grades and doing 3 highers. He’s found some hobbies he loves and is doing well. It’s been hard but he’s done so much better than I could ever have imagined.

Fingers crossed for your son too

I have two ND children who are now young adults, neither enjoyed school and my youngest actively hated their time there. It was very hard, stressful and heartbreaking. I cannot express how happy I felt the day my youngest left school. The education system here really makes it hard for ND kids. Not enough specialist schools and inflexibility for those who can survive mainstream. I am glad to say that both of them are doing well now, one has their own business and the other is studying a subject they love at university. Neither will ever be social butterflies, out every night but that's okay. I still have to worry way more than parents of NT kids but I have come to terms with that and just get on with it. I owe my sanity during the absolute worst times to the group of mums I met on a thread on mumsnet going through the same thing. I have never met any of them but it was nice to have my hand held when I honestly was at the end.

@FreshLaundry I completely relate. I have had to accept that if I want to do something, it will either be with a friend or on my own, my children just aren't interested. Ironically, I often hear from parents of NT kids, that their children are also not interested in spending time with them albeit for completely different reasons.

I was sad about it, until I got the child in “the right” school and now I’m optimistic. My square peg will never fit a round hole, but when it comes to corners he’s 90 degrees.

Ive shed many years, been jealous, been angry, I suppose the stages of grief? But currently I’m optimistic.

I think this is so important.

Each and every one of us will have assumed, during pregnancy that our child will be capable, able, funny, kind, sociable, clever, sporty even (some adjustments per individual, but you get what I mean) and for most people, the thought of a disability or and Neurodiversity doesn't cross their radar at that point. So when additional needs become apparent, I think it is really healthy to grieve for the baby you were expecting, then reset and enjoy the child you have. It's not talked about enough.

This thread has been so wonderful. Thank you all.

Today we have swimming lessons. The pool will be full of shrieks, giggles, (probably screeching) and laughter....all from my eldest son. In moments I cringe. The other kids are all in their swimming groups practicing their strokes whereas my boy is like a wildling. He has a 1:1. He loves it. In some ways he looks so "normal" but here he is his authentic, wild self. His joy makes other parents smile and laugh...then they turn to me and ask me how I cope 😂

I completely get where you are coming from! We sent our DC (who was later diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at 7) to a rather hothouse kind of primary, attracted by the wraparound and holiday care.

She had a good time but was increasingly obviously different to the others whose parents had them on a strict track to grammar/independent.

But! At her comprehensive she's now doing very well and is learning a lot more. She is, astonishingly, enjoying maths. The meltdowns we had over maths hw at primary! She's also learning languages well having barely learnt a word at primary.

Children can really surprise you. They develop at different rates. The environment can make such a difference.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

DH and I have said a number of times we all need tshirts saying You Have No Idea How Much Effort It Takes To Seem This Normal...

DD goes quite mad on public transport at the end of the day. Pole dancing on the hanging straps. Now I know it's a sensory thing but I do die slightly each time. I feel disapproval from the other commuters and fair enough.

DH is almost certainly AuDHD himself which dawned on him only when DD was diagnosed.

I think you are all brilliant, just realising there is something to mourn and also (sometimes tiny) things to celebrate. ❤️

I have autism and other disabilities, obviously not affected to the extent of some of your DC.

I know my parents will have struggled and may still with what could be, because I struggle as well seeing others my age doing better. I was fine with the academic bit but it is managing in the world. I struggle managing household (no partner or kids so no grandchildren) and a job.

My parents have been great praising. Accepting some achievements will be the same such as (for me) exams others like just this year once being able to ask a neighbour to help me.

I love my parents dearly even if I can’t always express it to either - mum NT and dad not to extent as me.?